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Good morning everyone, hope my explanation was a good one, and hey, it will fit into whatever book comes about.
But whatever book it may be, it won't be a romance novel. We ALL woke up late. I think I heard my alarm go off, I have no idea, but we got up at 720 and that is what time school, welll they need to be there at that time. I need to have been out the door.
Oh well. Stuff happens, right? I am still waiting on L to get herself dressed. No coffee, gonna have to pick some up. No way I will make it through the day without it.
I hope every one has a great day!!! ((((((everyone))))))
I can understand having or not having "much" of an attraction to him, emotional, physical or otherwise. But love and attraction usually can't just be turned off like a faucet, especially after the 16 years of intimate history between a husband and wife.
Sun - I can't answer for Robyn (she did that very well <g>), but I can tell you that, at least in my case, the love and attraction was not turned off like a faucet.
I was married for 20 years - the first 15 of those years were really very good. The last five were hell. He was no longer the man I fell in love with - he started binge drinking and became verbally and emotionally abusive. He became physically abusive once...and that was the day I left.
During our separation and divorce process, he was Mr. Charm, aka Cary Grant. He thought he could still "win me back." A couple of times I almost weakened and went back, but then I would remember our last day together and that stopped me. During the sep/divorce, I had to keep focusing on the negative to keep moving forward and not get sucked back in - I was still vulnerable, especially when he would say he had stopped drinking, he had changed, why did I leave when we were so good together, etc. After a couple of years, I was able to look back and remember the good times and remember them fondly - by then I had moved out of the "vulnerable zone" and knew I would never go back.
When someone leaves an abusive relationship and still has to deal with the abusive party, it's very difficult. Part of you remembers the good times, you have to make sure you remember the bad times. Sometimes there is denial involved, sometimes there isn't. I still remember meeting my ex a few months after I left - we had to sign our separation papers - he looked at me and said, "Wow! You look GREAT...just like when we met!" My first reaction was to be flattered, then I remembered....my response was "Yeah, I do - leaving you was the best thing I could have done!"
Of course, everyone is different in how they handle these things - this is just my perspective and what I did to make sure I never went back. Hopefully, with Robyn's explanation and mine, you can understand, at least a little bit, how emotions work when someone is involved in an abusive relationship......
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting here at work, on the phone, and one of our patients walked by, he motioned that he wanted to speak with me. I put the person on hold.
Mr ______ said to me, Robyn, I don't know whathas happened in your life, but you look so much different, you look so happy. Justlooking atyour face, I can see that something in your life has changed, I don't know what it was, but God bless you.
He said I don't know if anyone has told you, but I felt the need to tell you. The person on the phone could not make up their mind as to what they wanted to do, so I asked them to call me back. I spoke w Mr _______. I said I got separated 3 months ago. He gave me his regrets. I said please don't.
It has been hard, I told him. But it has been the best thing for me, and my kids. He just said it is so remarkable. I cannot believe the change in you.
Last night L had a 'meltdown' It extended to this morning. I have been emotional today, tearful this morning.
I feel like sometimes I am alone. I am not. I have friends, my family is not close.
I am thinking that you know, my bday is coming up, and I will be alone, no parents, etc.
Christmas is coming up, no parents, no family near.
But this is the choice I have made. The kids go to the therapist tomorrow, that is good. He knows thatthey have an appointment and tells me that he cannot make it to this appointment, which,I feel is a very important appointment for the kids.
It will be their first therapist appt since all of this began.
A friend asked me if I was shocked...No, I am not.
Sometimes I feel like I need to get away for a little while, and just think, just be. Today is one of those days.
My new vehicle has the check engine light on. Has to do with the thermostat. I have to take it in on next Tuesday, I ask can it wait, he tells me if the temp guage goes up to call them. It is under warranty.
Whatever they do on Tues, I hope its quick, I have to go to mediation.
With all of this, how I am feeling, how he looked at me that night.....do I wish I never left?
No. not for an instant. Sure, he has his family all around him, but that is nothing new. I never really was allowed to see my family. I justam not a part of what was my family anymore, being his family. They weren't all bad, just a choice few...
So, my lunch is over. I ate alone, but I ate. Hoping Ls day was a good one, I called the school earlier and her teacher said she was doing just fine. My beautiful girl....
I will catch you guys later!
Wait! Didn'teven tell you about the jumpy person part! One of my co workerscame up behindme andasked me something this morning, I was in another world, another universe. Before she left today, she asked me if she could ask me a personal ??, that I didn'thave to tell her.
She asked me if he had ever hit me, she wondered, because I am so jumpy.
No, he hasn't, came very close a few times. Maybe my life hasmade me jumpy, I don't know. I thought it was my medicine. Either way, its something.
I don't like the thought that I am giving off the vibe that maybe I was hit. man.
Robyn - This is your first b'day with "just" the kids and your first Christmas with "just" the kids...therefore it is going to be your hardest - and it will be hard, you will be weepy, but that's normal and natural. Next year will be better and the year after that better - the first is the toughest.
Being "jumpy" is most likely for many reasons - the stress you've been under since leaving and the stress you were under before leaving - you're waiting for the "next shoe to drop" type of thing. Before, you never knew what mood he would be in when he got home or if things would start exploding once he walked through the door - you were on edge. Now, even though the move is a positive one, life happens and you've had your "hurdles" and you're at least subconsciously, waiting for the next thing you'll have to "jump."
The jumpiness will recede as things become more stable, and they will. I don't know if you will have the kids for Christmas? Maybe you could find a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen or someplace that needs volunteers and you could do something like that, with or without the kids - it would get you out among people and you would be helping others and it would make you feel better......just a thought.....
Robyn, you've been on the defensive for so long- it's understandable that you're jumpy. This too shall pass once things settle down. Remember something- GOD will not give you more than you can handle and so far you have handled everything like a champ!
It sounds like your L should come home in a good mood today.
As always cinderobyn, you have spoken so very honestly. We can all relate to your marital woes.
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Our intimate history was his intimate history. For me, there was nothing. I thought there was something wrong with me. But there wasn't. I was with someone who didn't love me enough.
In every marital relationship that ends in divorce, there's always going to be one partner who loves the other one more.
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All of those years..... I was worth so much more than that, and I was made to feel like nothing. So how would I even know that I was worth a thing? And you know what? I didn't know. Now I know.
We can only imagine if you had found yourself and your inner strength so many years ago and had used it to either nip some of these problems in the bud, or to have given him an ultimatum.
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When he looked at me like that, I did not get feelings of flattery. I, at first was confused. Why is he looking at me like this? When was the last time he looked at me like that? High school.
I was angry, and I was hurt. I spent many years of my life believing I was nothing, he made me believe that he was the one, that if I ever were to leave, or if we split up, that no one would want me. That i couldn't make it.
My anger.... how dare you even think of looking at me like that. After the things you have done to me, and the way you continue to behave. You see my strength, you see the changes in me. You like what you see? Too bad. That ship has sailed. For those of you married, love one another like there will never be another day. Like today is your last day, love your partner.
Your anger and your hurt are your current emotions, and even though they are negative ones, they are still your emotions. Your anger and your hurt are the result of how much you did care for him and how upset you are about the current situation that you have been forced into taking. If you had never cared for him and loved him, then you wouldn't be so angry about him longing over you.
The greater the love, the greater the resulting anger I guess.
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He took many of my years, and not one of us knows when our last day is. But I will tell you this right now, i will not waste another minute of my life with him, that chapter in my book is over.
Honestly, he didn't take your years. The Lord did, because you have been doing the Lord's work. All of the hostility and anger will begin to end once you realize this. You have wonderful children and the constant memories and reminders of a productive life raising them, as well as having the companionship of a significant other for so many years, however distastefully that you choose to reminice about it. He does still love you and will support you in the raising of the children even if it's only mostly financially from here on.
You have so much to be proud of.
In some way you must feel some degree of satisfaction knowing that he still salivates over you while you have no love left for him. So even though you may feel somewhat violated by his stares, in reality you probably also feel happy about his stares too because it gives you some power over him to feel regret. I guess that's a small consolation for your many years of suffering from spousal abuse.
Please cinderobyn, don't be angry about my questions or for whatever perspective that I've written about. It's a thread topic that helps us all to explore together new topics and angles about separation and divorce.
Last night, in conversation with my son, my heart broke.
L was upset yesterday afternoon, very upset. A explained to me later in the evening what went on. There was an issue of respect.
A said he explained to the person like this... exact words.
You should not correct people over and over, because it makes them feel inferior. He then says to me, and I don't know if this was said to the other person in explanation. I know how this feels because I have been made to feel this way many times.
He then says you need to respect other peoples emotions.
My heart broke for him, last night. And again today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
L had a hard day yesterday, and it blossomed into this morning. Her day at school was fine, I called and talked to her teacher to see how she was doing, and all was well. A little upset this afternoon after school, but just a little. I diffused it over the phone. That was good.
Then..... I hear that she talked to her friend K. A boy from her class. Then, as I was cooking dinner, he called again. Who is this he says, Robyn, I say, who is this? This is K, Ls friend.
She giggled and laughed on the phone. A new journey...
As always cinderobyn, you have spoken so very honestly. We can all relate to your marital woes.
In every marital relationship there's always going to be one partner who loves the other one more.
We can only imagine if you had found yourself and your inner strength so many years ago and had used it to either nip some of these problems in the bud, or to have given him an ultimatum.
Your anger and your hurt are your current emotions, and even though they are negative ones, they are still your emotions. Your anger and your hurt are the result of how much you did care for him and how upset you are about the current situation that you have been forced into taking. Had you not cared for him and loved him, you wouldn't be so angry about him longing over you.
The greater the love, the greater the resulting anger I guess.
Honestly, he didn't take your years. The Lord did, because you have been doing the Lord's work. All of the hostility and anger will begin to end once you realize this. You have wonderful children and the constant memories and reminders of a productive life raising them, as well as having the companionship of a significant other for so many years, however distastefully that you choose to reminice about it. He does still love you and will support you in the raising of the children even if it's only mostly financially from here on.
You have so much to be proud of.
In some way you must feel some degree of satisfaction knowing that he still salivates over you while you have no love left for him. So even though you may feel somewhat violated by his stares, in reality you probably also feel happy about his stares too because it gives you some power over him to feel regret. I guess that's a small consolation for your many years of suffering from spousal abuse.
Please cinderobyn, don't be angry for my questions or for whatever perspective that I've written about. It's a thread topic that helps us all to explore new topics and angles about divorce and separation together.
Sun, I am not angry, I am not hostile. I KNOW I have been doing the Lords work, and continue to do so.
I don't want power over him. People should not have control and power over other people, it is wrong.
There wont be consolation for the abuse he brought forth to our marriage. If he regrets what he has done, so be it. That is for him. That is on his plate. I have moved forward in my life.
You think about me thinking of the good times. I remember packing that week before I moved and a picture had fallen off of a shelf and back behind it, it was of him with A on his shoulders and A was about 3 1/2. I don't remember a whole lot of good times since then. I don't.
I remember him grinding and gritting his teeth, the veins popping out on the side of his forehead if we were running 5 minutes late to any even that included his family, yelling at us, the kids. Sweat dripping from his face, because we were not good enough. Thats how he made us feel.
That is a constant memory, because it was an all the time occurance.
Am I mad over it? In the moment of the occurance, mad like fire. Now? It is behind me, and it cannot take me.
So many times I asked him to leave. So many times, but he never would, not ever.
I don't think the time was right for my inner strength, ultimatums were given, he was going to leave, it never happened.
My time is now. My time is now, Sun. He can long for me, salivate, whatever he wants to do, and in the moment, I will be hurt and angry, I will feel violated, I will feel raped of so much.
I don't think you are getting the full effect of this whole thing. I think a lot of people are. If it takes my strength for him to realize his weakness, the person he is, that is good. If in fact, that is what happened.
Because he needs to heal, he does, but he also needs to be well, for himself and for his kids, and if he ever marries again, pray to God he doesn't do to her what he did to me.
I don't think you are seeing the way I am feeling. I don't know if you can.
You compare the greater the love, the greater the anger.
My love for him was great. I loved him. I loved him for what was to be eternity. We were supposed to grow old together. But what if I never realized what was going on? What if I never saw it, and kept living a life of hurt and pain, that I had no idea why, why the hurt and pain.
But when I figured out that my heart, my soul were void of any kind of feeling that he could possibly put there... the things that should have already been there. When I found out this was not how it is supposed to be.
Can you imagine? Now, back then, hurt. So much hurt. Pain, unimagineable. Anger. Anger at what was supposed to be there but wasn't. I had loved him so much. We were not as one. We were married, but his mother came first. Before me.
I could look at him with such love, and when he looked at me, it was like I was just there, and he was waiting for what he could get FROM me.
That is over. Now one foot in front of the next. He, of course is behind me in the emotions dept. For him, I dropped this on him as if a terrorist bomb, even if I tried and tried to talk to him about it.
I think now, he is moving a little past anger, because he has shown his anger and hostility towards me.
There are so many things I can be angry about, but why? Yes, I had some anger, and it pushed me forward.
"How can you say I emotionally abuse you when I tell you I love you?"
He has a lot to learn.
Sun, just a question... Why do you feel I am currently an angry and hostile person? What comes across about me, that makes you feel this?
Everyone has hostility about something or other, whether it's emotional or financial or physical etc...something in the marriage, family or workplace.
You said that you feel angry and violated because he still stares at you lovingly and desires you. That anger is the same form of hostility toward whatever or whomever anyone ever gets angry about. All people get mad at times about why and how bad things happen to them, it's normal and part of being human and having interpersonal conflicts and emotional pain.
You feel that you've been dealt a bad hand in life, I'm sure that most people feel that way too at times. Everyone has problems in their life that leads them to be angry and hostile about it.
You've had to endure great hardships in your life, within your own family, your marriage (which also affected the kids), and now through the realizations over time which led to your separation. Of course most people would feel anger and hostility for having lost so many years of their life to unhappiness and to feelings of neglect, being disrespected, unloved and underappreciated. Anger is probably the emotion which would help to keep anyone from becoming too depressed about anything overwhelmingly negative that occurs in their life.
It seems that whenever people stop being friends they quickly become enemies. Divorce seems to be all about establishing just who the enemy is and expressing all of the hostility and reasons for the anger and resentment that causes it to happen in the first place.
What else turns friends and marriage partners into estranged spouses if it's not forms of anger and hostility? If there's not any love then it's considered a war, like drawing lines in the sand, and that just doesn't happen among friends, but only among enemies, right?
Your divorce is far from being over, and his family and the children are involved, and there's going to continue to be lots of emotions about it for a long time to come. You have to deal with him financially and otherwise, plus all of your own problems dealing with a separate household too. There's bound to be more resentment and frustration before all is said and done.
I guess that divorce is just part of the legal process of organized civil warfare & conflict resolution that's designed to keep most of the anger and hostility civilized and at a minimal level (and off the public streets! ).
Personal disappointment is just a commonly accepted fact of modern life.
Last edited by sun; 12-05-2007 at 07:36 PM..
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I am a jumpy person
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