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So I started dating a girl 5 years ago, we were young (17) at the time. As time passed we loved each other, (or so I thought) and spent every single night together. My relationships with my friends deteriorated, I spent way more time with her than anyone else. I quit my band 3 years (who's making thousands of dollars a week now) and made countless other sacrifices for her happiness.
Fast forward 5 years: I've been talking since we started dating about moving to Toronto for school, (since I can't take what I want to take where we are living currently) and she was receptive the entire time. She had told me for years how much she wanted to move there. So a few weeks ago I got accepted into my program, you'd think she'd be ecstatic right? WRONG. It turns out she's not going to come, and is willing to break up with me over it. The worst part is, she won't tell me why. I've tried asking HUNDREDS of times but she completely ignores the question and tells me to stop talking to her.
She has lived with her parents this entire time without paying rent, they've bought her 2 cars, they pay for her school. She hasn't had a single expense in her life so it's not that she can't afford to. I've lived on my own since I was old enough too, and pay for my own school. I can still afford to go.
She has been in school for 3 years and hasn't picked a major. It's not like she's close to a degree yet. So it's not like her education is holding her back.
She hates her job, makes minimum wage and complains about it constantly. So it's not like she has a good job holding her back.
I just don't get it. She led me on for 4 years with the understanding that she was more than willing to come with me, and now she refuses to even tell me why she's not coming and has broken it off with me. It really doesn't make sense.
I'm over her as far as a relationship goes, I have no interest in ever dating her again now that I know what a manipulative liar she is. I feel like she at least owes me an explanation though, and she doesn't even have the dignity to supply me with that. I just want to know what's going through her head. It's bad enough that she lied to me for 4 years, but now she won't even tell me why she suddenly changed her mind when it all came to fruition.
I think it may be that she's literally so pampered and spoiled by her parents, that the idea of having to pay her own rent, and do stuff for herself is terrifying to her. So much so that she's willing to throw away our half decade relationship for that comfort zone. It's sad because I'm very independent and have been self reliant since I was a teenager. I think it's stunted her growth as an adult to be babied like that her whole life.
Anybody have any idea what could be causing her to lie and withhold information like this?
I am not so sure she is a manipulative liar given your ages when you met. Few people these days stay long term with a person they starting dating at 17. You both are in a new phase of life, and for her that does not include the.move. though it stings now, in time I assure you that you will get over it.
It's not that I'm entitled to an explanation, but I certainly deserve one. After dating someone for 5 years you'd at least expect them to have the dignity to explain why they're willing to throw the whole relationship away.
As for the first comment... Being young isn't an excuse to lie. I've been honest with her, and was upfront in telling her for literally the entire duration of our relationship that this was going to happen. She clearly is a manipulative liar. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have led me on with 4 years of lies.
Everyone thinks they deserve an explanation. That doesn't mean that you get one. Frankly, she was 17 when you started dating, and she's still not cut ties with her parents...that's all you need to know. Move on.
She has lived with her parents this entire time without paying rent, they've bought her 2 cars, they pay for her school. She hasn't had a single expense in her life so it's not that she can't afford to. I've lived on my own since I was old enough too, and pay for my own school. I can still afford to go.
She has been in school for 3 years and hasn't picked a major. It's not like she's close to a degree yet. So it's not like her education is holding her back.
She hates her job, makes minimum wage and complains about it constantly. So it's not like she has a good job holding her back.
I think it may be that she's literally so pampered and spoiled by her parents, that the idea of having to pay her own rent, and do stuff for herself is terrifying to her. So much so that she's willing to throw away our half decade relationship for that comfort zone. It's sad because I'm very independent and have been self reliant since I was a teenager. I think it's stunted her growth as an adult to be babied like that her whole life.
Read these passages. ^^^
Can you see that you and she are completely different people? I can't imagine what you saw in her. Maybe you were with her mainly because of her looks? Live and learn. She did you a favor. You misjudged her, looked at her through rose-colored glasses all this time. In reality, she's not your type. Take this as a learning experience. Good luck in the future. You sound like a great guy.
P.S. Some people don't want to give explanations, because they anticipate the other person will argue with whatever reasons they give. You don't need to know her reasons. All you need to know is that in reality, she wasn't your type, and a future with her wouldn't have worked out. Use this as a lesson in focussing on someone's values and character, the deeper factors that make for long-term compatibility. What appeals at 17 often is radically different than what is appealing after one matures a bit.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 08-04-2013 at 03:43 PM..
Thinking you deserve one will make it harder to cut ties and the answer will lead to only more questions. You know where she stands and you want to pursue school.
It's not that I'm entitled to an explanation, but I certainly deserve one. After dating someone for 5 years you'd at least expect them to have the dignity to explain why they're willing to throw the whole relationship away. As for the first comment... Being young isn't an excuse to lie. I've been honest with her, and was upfront in telling her for literally the entire duration of our relationship that this was going to happen. She clearly is a manipulative liar. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have led me on with 4 years of lies.
Slow down there, buddy. You're seeing hurtful intent where there very possibly just isn't any. The truth is, you guys got together REALLY young. And when you first got together and were dating, and nothing was confronting you right then and there, she may very well have been fine with the vague future idea of going to Toronto. Just like some men are fine with the idea of "kids someday" but when the woman says "now!" they freak out and are forced to start asking a lot of questions they didn't have to before. Sounds like that may be part of what happened here.
There's also a good chance she recognizes that the two of you have grown apart and are no longer compatible. That often happens when you get together very young and stay together a long time. The way you talk about her is very disrespectful. You insult her. You call her manipulative. You see the worst in her. You look down on her for her relationship with her parents. For right or wrong, some people are independent very early and others have a close relationship with their families a little longer. She's 22, not 42. Nothing wrong with not being ready to take the plunge for a BF. Sounds like there may be some temper issues there on your part. Additionally, you two have not made any sort of commitment like marriage. She is likely doing a very smart thing by not agreeing to move away from her support system when she's still in school just to be with a guy who may no longer be a good fit and whose behavior is questionable.
Take a breath. Go to Toronto. Break-ups hurt but it sounds like neither of you did anything wrong. You just aren't a good fit for each other anymore, which is common when you're very young. Move forward with your life and don't be bitter.
You already answered your own question. My guess is that she hopes she'll marry someone who can support her in the same way her parents have. Just be glad you didn't marry her or have a child with her. Lots of guys, like I was also, have been rejected because they didn't have the $$$ the woman hoped to have.
Be glad to get rid of her and 5 years is a small price to pay. Move where you want, get your education, live your life, find a better woman and leave her butt behind to her parents.
PS ~~ If you have to give up your entire self to please someone else they are not worth it. Do not give up what you love to do, your hobbies, your dreams and your goals for anyone, even the woman "you love". What did she give up for you?
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