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A while back, I realized that I'm not exactly pining for a relationship. I miss the sexual component, but I have a strong social network of friends and family that provide support, companionship and affection. I am not running from the concept of a relationship, but I don't have much motivation to seek one out except for the whole sex thing.
Well, about a month ago, I listened to my gut and emailed my crush from about a year ago. He had dropped out of sight during my last big depression, and I assumed it was my somewhat erratic behavior that had scared him off. Well, his response to my "Hi, How are you?" email was very warm. We went out a few days ago and fell right back into bed with each other. (It was an awesome evening!) All indications are that we will be getting together again shortly.
We did not discuss his disappearance, but he told me about how around that time he lost his dream job due to an old injury that needed additional surgeries and then ran into serious financial problems. He's been working two jobs that he basically hates for the better part of a year and running himself into the ground. He seems very embarrassed and down about this, and as he is one of the few truly "self-made" men that I know, I kind of understand why, even if I think he has nothing to be embarrassed about.
I don't mind having an NSA relationship with him, as we have similar views on birth control methods and the importance of STD testing (and off-the-charts sexual compatibility). I have, in fact, always assumed that he was not after a relationship. However, I AM open to the possibility of more with him, and that's where I'm getting confused and unsure.
There are tiny clues that could be nothing, but which could also indicate that he is looking for something more with me. It is WAY WAY WAY too early to be discussing relationship statuses, but don't you conduct NSA relationships differently than you do potentially long-term relationships? Like, I would assume that NSA involves less friendly texting, less focus on the dinner/outing part of a date, less involvement in or discussion of the participants' personal lives, etc. If I'm going out with someone with the possibility of it turning into something more, there's usually a lot more conversational texting involved, I don't hesitate to invite my partner out to events with my friends, I expect a certain amount of emotional openness and attention paid to what is going on in my life by my partner (and provide the same in return), etc. So basically, I don't know how to treat whatever it is we have because I am clueless as to what exactly our relationship (such as it is) is all about. It's also hard to shift the path of a relationship between NSA and "serious" once it gets rolling along, from what I can tell.
This is all further complicated by the fact that 1) while his life has hit a serious rough patch, mine has been on an upswing and 2) we come from VASTLY different backgrounds. My upbringing was kind of eclectic, but definitely on the privileged side. His childhood basically sounds like hell, and he has a felony criminal record from when he was 18 or so. I seriously respect all he did to turn his life around (seriously, it borders on the superhuman), but with all his recent setbacks, I think he is acutely conscious of our differences.
I genuinely like this guy and enjoy his company. He's also one of the few men I would actually welcome a serious relationship with right now. I'm just not sure how to proceed for the time being. Should I discuss any of these issues with him? Should I just be reserved and follow his lead, given that he is the one who is dealing with more life issues at the moment?
Yeah, I know I'm overthinking this probably. It's just such a weird situation for me, and at the very least, I don't want to lose the potentially awesome NSA relationship. I also don't want either of us to get hurt unnecessarily due to mismatched expectations.
The chance this will turn into an LTR is rather slim... may I suggest you just go with the flow and enjoy yourself? Also, I would not refer to an NSA involvement as a relationship. If there are no strings, there is no relationship.
I think it will be hard to rewire your connection with this guy so it will lead to a relationship. Basically you will go from no expectations to a lot and as he already disappeared from you life; as well as you are the one who reconnected I just don't see the motivation on his side to make that commitment. I hope I'm wrong.
You're setting yourself up for heartbreak if you expect anything to come out of this other than a NSA thing.
FWIW, when a guy (or girl) just "drops out of sight" like that, its a huge red flag for me. And on top of the other stuff you've mention, I'd stay away (well, besides the having fun part). I've had to drop out of sight before, and if its someone I care about in the very least, I explain whats going to happen and they probably won't see me. And I still keep in contact, even as friends.
I also think he could just be playing you. Its too easy. You called him, he just says a few sweet words, and you two are in bed.
i dont think you are trying ot look to deep in to anything. i think you are trying to ignore your intuition because you want this to be something its not.
and you probably realized it from the start
Last edited by rego00123; 08-30-2013 at 01:45 PM..
This is all further complicated by the fact that 1) while his life has hit a serious rough patch, mine has been on an upswing and 2) we come from VASTLY different backgrounds. My upbringing was kind of eclectic, but definitely on the privileged side. His childhood basically sounds like hell, and he has a felony criminal record from when he was 18 or so. I seriously respect all he did to turn his life around (seriously, it borders on the superhuman), but with all his recent setbacks, I think he is acutely conscious of our differences.
I genuinely like this guy and enjoy his company. He's also one of the few men I would actually welcome a serious relationship with right now. I'm just not sure how to proceed for the time being. Should I discuss any of these issues with him? Should I just be reserved and follow his lead, given that he is the one who is dealing with more life issues at the moment?
If I were you, I'd take things slow, follow his lead sounds like a good plan, after all, he is the one who is dealing with life issues.
You've said so many good things about this man. He sounds like a good catch. If I were you, I'd give him a chance. Love is hard to find, you have nothing to lose.
He's a FWB. I say, given your background and his, that's probably exactly the status it should stay.
Accept it for what it is.
I toooooooooootally agree.
The OP is madly in lust with the guy. Extreme Sexual compatibility is fun, but dangerous.
OP, What do you actually have in common with this guy? sounds like very little, other than he is attractive to you and vice versa and good sex.
And really? An ex-con? Do you know how many of those actually reform? Statistics are low, and there is a high probability he will fall back into the life.
How well do you actually know him as a person ? I'd say go slow, but too late. But i would guess a NSA is best there, and it also stops there.
Not sure why this ONE guy that is your polar opposite is the one you would consider for a LT relationship, while all the other non-felons aren't LTR material.
Something isn't adding up.
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I hope I'm wrong.
