My girlfriend doesn't understand passion? (separate, sexy, feeling, meaning)
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Communication is key, and it sounds like you've been doing that. However, the goal behind your communication is important, too, as I've said before.
The thing is that all relationships require compromise.
Sex can cloud other issues. As unpopular as it might seem, you may need to take a break from sex and focus on what is really happening that affects the two of you in the bedroom.
It would also be a good time to find a couples counselor.
Here it is: As you know, you are at a scary place right now, and a bit over your head. You clearly love her very much. In your situation, I would resolve to proceed with support, and encourage her to go to counseling, knowing that you may never have the relationship you are envisioning, and willing to walk away if it turns out that way.
/thread.
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Funny how every woman here blames the man when things go wrong. Shes not your type bro. Dont get pulled into her drama. find a girl who is emotionally available to your level
Funny how every woman here blames the man when things go wrong. Shes not your type bro. Dont get pulled into her drama. find a girl who is emotionally available to your level
The bold part could be true. It's terrifying to think that you could find someone who checks off 9 out of 10 of your boxes, but still not be "enough."
Your knee-jerk gender generalities weaken your point, though.
Nobody is "blaming the man." You may or may not know that relationships take input from BOTH partners. "The man" has just as much to do with the health of the relationship as "the woman."
There is a big difference between "blame" and "accountability."
I'm involved with someone now and it's been almost two years. She is not a very sexual person and has a very low sex drive. I, on the other hand, am a very sexual person and have a high sex drive.
It's been a huge obstacle for me because of the big difference in sex drives. I know she's been hinting that she's wanting to get married and I do love her and am more than happy to marry her BUT this sex drive incompatibility is what is holding me back. I know NOTHING will change just because she's my wife.
The simple solution would be to just call it quits and go our seperate ways but my situation is a bit more complicated than yours (kids, living situation etc...) so for now I just take it day by day.
Bottom line OP......she's not going to change. My advice is to cut her loose and let someone else with an equally non existent sex drive have her.
No I am focused on helping her through her issues so it will help the sex life and improve our connection.
It's honestly kind of hard to have the thought tho that she can't be comfortable with me bc she is traumatized by an ex. It sometimes makes me feel a little bit like she had more feelings for the guy. That's just something else that factors in and why I want to get through this and figure it out
i think you're beating your head against the wall
you can't fix people, you can't change them into what you want them to be.
her reasons may be religious, they may be related to past trauma, they may be manipulative, or something else entirely -- it really doesn't matter why. what matters is your ability to influence the situation, and you sound overoptimistic about the prospects of that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MountainGuy74
Bottom line OP......she's not going to change. My advice is to cut her loose and let someone else with an equally non existent sex drive have her.
I mean is this a decision I really have to make after a year? I just don't think that's a huge deal. Also, I haven't pressured sex on her at all. I don't understand how you all have come to the conclusion. In fact, when she brought up marriage we hadn't had a discussion about sex for a while and things had actually been going really well in that department. It was nice. It was just when she seemed to be saying she was ready for marriage, it turned into her pouting and feeling insecure bc I didn't want that right now.
I think it's normal to not like being pressured. I will not make a decision of that magnitude whilst being hassled about it. That never turns out good. I've tried to tell her in every way possible I love her and I'm sticking with her. We should just enjoy our time together and continue to build our relationship. And then she would pout, yes pout, instead of talking.
I'm being very patient and ill stand my ground and not be manipulated into this until I feel the time is right. When will that be? I can't say but I want to work towards it.
You're right...it is...(normal to not like being pressured) Good thing she didn't do like you and not "make a decision of that magnitude whilst being hassled about it"..but instead ( for you) caved into what she didn't really want to do..sex before marriage.
What is it about getting married to this woman that has you so afraid that you'd rather have her, the one you profess to love, feeling so insecure?
You say you just "don't think that's a huge deal"...do you care that to her it is?
You say you want to "feel the time is right"...have you considered that she might feel the time is right now?...for her?
You've left her hanging with the "I can't say, but I want to work towards it"...why?..what do you think will change?.........I can understand why she's feeling put out...she's not sure that you WILL stay like you say you will, and you're not giving her anything concrete to hang onto, that she can believe in...
I just hope you're not messing with her mind cause she could be in for a lot of hurt if she trusts you and you decide different down the rode.
I kind of see this one from both sides. Each of you has a perfectly valid position that respects YOUR feelings about love/intimacy.
Your view is that you want her to be freely passionate and not have any hang-ups about sex before marriage because you don't. You want her to think like you. You want her to be perfectly fine with waiting for marriage however long it takes YOU to be ready for it, because that's what feels natural to you. The more she brings marriage up, the more you get uncomfortable and uptight about it.
Her view is that she wants you to be passionate about the idea of "forever" and making a real commitment to her. She hates the idea that you just want her for sex and don't want her for "forever." She wants you to think like her. She wants you to be perfectly fine with getting married now and making that commitment so that she can feel comfortable opening up to you sexually. That's what feels natural to her. The more you reject the idea of marriage, the more uptight and uncomfortable she gets with the idea of sex with you.
Do you see how you're both feeding the problem? How each of your "issues" are setting off the other person's hot button?
The problem is, while both of you have perfectly valid sides to this, you're on opposite ends. You're a mismatch. If other areas of the relationship are good enough that you still want to pursue it and work through this mismatch, it's possible, but it's going to require BOTH of you to bend. That includes you. The title of your thread is: "My girlfriend doesn't understand passion" but really your problem is: "You don't understand your girlfriend."
My suggestion would be to sit down and have a frank discussion. Talk about when you might be ready for marriage/engagement, perhaps in 6 months, or a year. Perhaps an engagement in the next 6 months and make it a long one, getting married within the next year or two after that. If you don't want to commit, you need to let this girl go. It's totally unfair to her if you don't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by adk98
I'm not using the sex thing as leverage to not marrying to whoever said that. It's just a serious matter when it comes to making this commitment.
In your head, you are not trying to use sex as leverage. However, the way it's coming across to her (because your positions are polar opposites) is that you are. To you, sex is a serious matter. To her, marriage is a serious matter. Neither of you are hearing the other person. She wants you to want marriage as much as she does. You don't. You want her to want sex as much as you do. She doesn't. Whether that will change if/when you show her you respect her feelings (with an engagement or marriage), remains to be seen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by adk98
She says she loves me and just wants to be with me, but why the huge rush of marriage for her? I've been thinking about relationship counseling.
Why the huge rush of sex for you? You see sex as SO important (a 10 out of 10) and you're failing to understand that as important and vital as you see sex? That's how she sees marriage. By having sex all you want and no marriage for her, you are failing to give her what she really wants to feel intimacy. Does this mean you have to get married tomorrow? No. But it means you need to think about when you're going to be ready. And talk about it. And talk about it some more. And get over your fear of talking about it. You're asking her to get over her fear of letting loose during sex. And yet you're too scared to have a frank discussion about marriage? See how your problems are actually quite similar?
I mean is this a decision I really have to make after a year? I just don't think that's a huge deal. Also, I haven't pressured sex on her at all.
I think it's normal to not like being pressured.
I'm being very patient and ill stand my ground and not be manipulated into this until I feel the time is right. When will that be? I can't say but I want to work towards it.
You're right. It's normal to not like being pressured. But what you're not seeing is that you're both being pressured. You can't change her thinking that sex before marriage is an undesirable thing. She can't change your thinking that waiting indefinitely to get married is the way to go. You are both being pressured by the other--you to marry, her to be cool and passionate, wild and free with no-commitment sex for you. You don't have to try to manipulate and coax her into sex for there to be pressure being applied by you.
Your whole "who knows when I'll want marriage?" attitude is hurting her very much. It's very likely putting a damper on your sex life. As to whether she'll ever be wild and crazy and want it every day? Probably not. But you're certainly doing NOTHING to develop true intimacy (not just sticking your thing in a warm hole, but actually INTIMACY) by refusing to respect her beliefs. A good partner tries to find ways to respect and honor how his partner feels, not to pressure her into feeling like him (that there's no rush on marriage, that you shouldn't talk about it, that you should just have wild monkey sex and not worry.) You think you're saying the right things, but really you're not listening at all. It's all about you, you, you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by adk98
I haven't thought of laying it out that way and think its a good idea. I'm out of town for the weekend so I'm thinking ill sit down and we'll talk about everything and ill tell her this is what I think we should do. I could see her getting upset but it'll probably be best to stick to it and she'll adjust and it'll relieve pressure on both of us. I could see this also pushing her away in a sense but I guess it it's meant to be it'll work. Thanks for the good idea.
To be fair, when you ask her to table the discussion of marriage for at least a year, are you guys going to stop having sex for that year also? Because frankly, if you completely shoot down what she wants and expect her to want to do it like rabbits, you're crazy. If you're coming from a place of wanting her to get help and get healthy, that would include taking all the pressure off. The solution of no marriage talk takes all the pressure off you and doubles the pressure on her. It would be a jerk move.
To be fair, when you ask her to table the discussion of marriage for at least a year, are you guys going to stop having sex for that year also? Because frankly, if you completely shoot down what she wants and expect her to want to do it like rabbits, you're crazy. If you're coming from a place of wanting her to get help and get healthy, that would include taking all the pressure off. The solution of no marriage talk takes all the pressure off you and doubles the pressure on her. It would be a jerk move.
That would be fair...but I doubt he'd consider it...cause it's not what HE wants.
I kind of see this one from both sides. Each of you has a perfectly valid position that respects YOUR feelings about love/intimacy.
Your view is that you want her to be freely passionate and not have any hang-ups about sex before marriage because you don't. You want her to think like you. You want her to be perfectly fine with waiting for marriage however long it takes YOU to be ready for it, because that's what feels natural to you. The more she brings marriage up, the more you get uncomfortable and uptight about it.
Her view is that she wants you to be passionate about the idea of "forever" and making a real commitment to her. She hates the idea that you just want her for sex and don't want her for "forever." She wants you to think like her. She wants you to be perfectly fine with getting married now and making that commitment so that she can feel comfortable opening up to you sexually. That's what feels natural to her. The more you reject the idea of marriage, the more uptight and uncomfortable she gets with the idea of sex with you.
Do you see how you're both feeding the problem? How each of your "issues" are setting off the other person's hot button?
The problem is, while both of you have perfectly valid sides to this, you're on opposite ends. You're a mismatch. If other areas of the relationship are good enough that you still want to pursue it and work through this mismatch, it's possible, but it's going to require BOTH of you to bend. That includes you. The title of your thread is: "My girlfriend doesn't understand passion" but really your problem is: "You don't understand your girlfriend."
My suggestion would be to sit down and have a frank discussion. Talk about when you might be ready for marriage/engagement, perhaps in 6 months, or a year. Perhaps an engagement in the next 6 months and make it a long one, getting married within the next year or two after that. If you don't want to commit, you need to let this girl go. It's totally unfair to her if you don't.
In your head, you are not trying to use sex as leverage. However, the way it's coming across to her (because your positions are polar opposites) is that you are. To you, sex is a serious matter. To her, marriage is a serious matter. Neither of you are hearing the other person. She wants you to want marriage as much as she does. You don't. You want her to want sex as much as you do. She doesn't. Whether that will change if/when you show her you respect her feelings (with an engagement or marriage), remains to be seen.
Why the huge rush of sex for you? You see sex as SO important (a 10 out of 10) and you're failing to understand that as important and vital as you see sex? That's how she sees marriage. By having sex all you want and no marriage for her, you are failing to give her what she really wants to feel intimacy. Does this mean you have to get married tomorrow? No. But it means you need to think about when you're going to be ready. And talk about it. And talk about it some more. And get over your fear of talking about it. You're asking her to get over her fear of letting loose during sex. And yet you're too scared to have a frank discussion about marriage? See how your problems are actually quite similar?
Thanks for your posts. You make a lot of good points especially the way you put them and I agree.
One of the things that has created some insecurity about this whole thing is the sex itself along with her not feeling there or into it. I can never tell if she's satisfied. When I try to communicate with her about sex she shuts down. I honestly don't even know if she's had an orgasm. Part of sex for me that is best is seeing my partner getting fulfilled, and when I feel she isn't along with not really feeling into it and the frequency so low it worries me that she's not into me. You say sex is for marriage and that's what will really give her what she's looking for, but she had sex before that and had no intentions of marrying the guy. My insecurity is that everything sexual with her makes me feel inadequate. I don't know how to feel because I've never been in this situation. I feel like I must be doing something wrong or it's something with me --- That's where the insecurity comes from.
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