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Please do not marry this person. She just isn't into sex and you wold be miserable.
Or she may feel that he is the "perfect guy" except for the sex. She may not enjoy it with him, but she loves him and does not want to hurt him by saying so.
It sounds to me like she is a nice girl who thinks that sex should be with someone that you intend to spend the rest of your life with. It's sad that she feels compelled to compromise her morals and values to please you and you aren't even happy with that.
If she were writing this, instead of you, I would ask her why she is wasting her time and affection on a man who is not willing to marry her.
It's more that I just want to be able to satisfy her completely sexually and see her getting the pleasure that I do. Sometimes it makes me worry that she's just not into me. I would tell her about this, but I don't want to come off as insecure and I'm also not sure if she'd understand. I've never had this problem and it's frustrating that the girl I love, I cannot get to share that experience. It makes me feel like a failing her a bit as her bf and I'm not desired. Maybe I should just tell her all of this.
And to the above, she is a nice girl and I don't think she's wasting her time. She had a sexual relationship before me and knew she wasn't getting married so why should I be upset that she's now having sex with me yet the condition is with marriage although she is consenting. I'm not in any way trying to include her past relationship, but instead I worry that she isn't sexually into me or something.
It sounds like she feels she made a big mistake with the first relationship, and wishes she could start over, and hold out 'til marriage. (Even if she says she likes sex with you.) I think you should try to understand her perspective and honor it, rather than think it's all about you, you, you.
And in the final analysis, it may boil down to you two not being right for each other, as others have said. But if you do discuss it with her, make an effort to tune into how she feels about it. You might just ask her if she'd prefer if you'd back off a bit with the sex. And if she says yes, ask her why, to get a better understanding of her thoughts on it.
It's more that I just want to be able to satisfy her completely sexually and see her getting the pleasure that I do. Sometimes it makes me worry that she's just not into me. I would tell her about this, but I don't want to come off as insecure and I'm also not sure if she'd understand. I've never had this problem and it's frustrating that the girl I love, I cannot get to share that experience. It makes me feel like a failing her a bit as her bf and I'm not desired. Maybe I should just tell her all of this.
And to the above, she is a nice girl and I don't think she's wasting her time. She had a sexual relationship before me and knew she wasn't getting married so why should I be upset that she's now having sex with me yet the condition is with marriage although she is consenting. I'm not in any way trying to include her past relationship, but instead I worry that she isn't sexually into me or something.
The point is not really whether or not she is or isn't actually having sex with you.
It's that you are failing to understand that HER reasons for protest are exactly as important as yours. You seem to have trouble putting yourself in her shoes.
The point is not really whether or not she is or isn't actually having sex with you.
It's that you are failing to understand that HER reasons for protest are exactly as important as yours. You seem to have trouble putting yourself in her shoes.
Yeah, I'm not sensing the love this guy claims to have for her. It's all about what he wants, and how her reluctance makes him feel. If she's reluctant, and he really cared about her, he'd instinctively dial it back. Even if she's giving him mixed signals.
You all are right in what you're saying. I'm having a hard time understanding probably bc I'm taking it more personally than I should. I was thinking of mentioning why it bothers me this way to her though and maybe that would help ease these thoughts. Also, I can tell her I haven't been as understanding towards her feelings about sex. These were lingering thoughts in my head and when marriage was brought up it just kind of set everything haywire, it's hard to explain. I honestly just want to be what she wants in every way, and the thought of not being sexually attractive to her just kept growing and growing making me more worried.
I'm going to have that talk with her and hopefully we can compromise on a solution that works for both of us. I don't mean to sound selfish when I'm expressing my thoughts. It is just some pretty heavy stuff on both ends and it's hard to sort out in my own mind. I appreciate everyone's help throughout the whole thread.
Here's the thing. Marriage is tough. It's not for wimps. There are good years and bad. Ways you completely mesh with the person and ways where you drive each other crazy. It takes dedication, maturity, and two people who want each other more than they want to have everything "their way." It takes two people who value the relationship more than being right, or always being satisfied, or always getting their way. It takes a person who thinks about what their partner needs first, and a person who is willing to put their personal needs second. This doesn't mean always, and in everything. But sometimes marriage is about compromising, and sometimes it's about we're going to do this thing 100% your way because it's what you need. And trusting that there will be something else they'll do the same for you.
If you're not willing and able to feel that way, you're not ready to get married to anyone. And if you don't think you'll be ready to marry this girl within a year or two, if you're that uncertain about yourself, then you just need to let her go. Her ex-boyfriend did some damaging stuff to her, without a doubt. But understand that a guy with good intentions who gets her heart wrapped up and then ultimately doesn't cherish it could be just as damaging--you need to be very careful here not to do more damage to an already injured girl.
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Originally Posted by adk98
One of the things that has created some insecurity about this whole thing is the sex itself along with her not feeling there or into it. I can never tell if she's satisfied. When I try to communicate with her about sex she shuts down. I honestly don't even know if she's had an orgasm.
She may never have had an orgasm with you. Very possible. For most women, so much of pleasure in sex is related to the experience as a whole. It's not just physical. Feeling upset, insecure, or pressured about something can all but guarantee the "big finish" isn't going to happen.
I am not advocating that you guys get married if this issue can't be resolved. But what I can't tell is whether she's just never into sex, or if she's feeling pressured, insecure about your dodgy attitude towards the marriage question, and that's spoiling it for her. So often on these forums I see people read that a woman isn't into sex and immediately suggest the man tell her to go to the doctor and get checked out. While this isn't all-around bad advice, and hormonal issues are certainly possible, it is a death sentence to the scenario where something emotional or within the relationship is causing the lack of desire. It's saying, "You're broken here. I'm perfect and your hurts/needs don't matter. Go get your vagina ready to go because that's all I care about, not how you feel." I worry that all this talk about sex and refusal to talk about marriage is sending a similar message, even though I don't believe that's what you are intending. It's just turning the pressure up higher and higher, and taking all the potential joy out of it. Every time she looks at you and/or you start the shoulder rub, I'll bet all she feels is resentment. I would, in her place. You are telling her (without meaning to) that she doesn't get a voice, that you don't even want to talk about what she cares about, and it's all about making sure you have a good time in the sack. The last thing she would feel in that circumstance, is sexy.
I would first suggest you have a heart to heart with yourself. Examine your feelings about marriage. Consider if you would be willing to marry within the next year or two if you two could better communicate and work on issues. If so, try to fix this. If not, let this poor girl go. If you would be willing, sit down and try to talk openly about things. Share your fears, your insecurities, and work on this together. Talk about marriage every day. What you want it to be. What you hope for. What dreams you share. Show her you see her as a person that you love, whose life you want to enrich, not just a life-support system for her vagina.
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Originally Posted by adk98
Part of sex for me that is best is seeing my partner getting fulfilled, and when I feel she isn't along with not really feeling into it and the frequency so low it worries me that she's not into me.
She may very well not be into it right now. Refusal to talk about or acknowledge the one issue she cares about would be a libido killer for sure. The question is really whether you two can meet each other halfway. Right now you're both in your corners. You refuse to talk about marriage, so it's only natural she has no interest in talking about sex. I wonder what would happen if you gave a little. Maybe something, maybe nothing, but if you love this girl, I would hazard a try. It may be you two are just a mismatch and you figure that out eventually and go your separate ways. But if you are looking for ways to potentially make things better, it seems clear you need to change something, right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by adk98
You say sex is for marriage and that's what will really give her what she's looking for, but she had sex before that and had no intentions of marrying the guy.
Huge mistake #1=acting entitled to something because she did it in her past. We all screw up. We try things and decide some of them we like, some of them are mistakes we don't want to repeat. Acting entitled to something because she gave it to another guy is a huge libido killer and would make her feel like a *****, not a loved, cherished woman who you adore for her. Maybe she saw no future with that guy. The fact that she wants one with you speaks volumes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by adk98
My insecurity is that everything sexual with her makes me feel inadequate. I don't know how to feel because I've never been in this situation. I feel like I must be doing something wrong or it's something with me --- That's where the insecurity comes from.
How clear have you been about that? Like I'm sure you've said, "I want more sex," but have you said, "Everything sexual with us makes me feel inadequate. I feel like I am doing something wrong or it's something with me." If you haven't, I would be that blunt. Then, I would let her talk to me about how she feels about marriage and listen. And answer.
Let us know how it goes, OP. Best of luck to both of you.
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