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Not deaf but if its that uncomfortable why would she even be doing it? Let me guess you're gonna follow this up by saying bc I've pressured her?
I'm not here to argue. It's just that she has made the decision to be sexually active in this so I thought that would mean we would both get comfortable with one another over time.
But based upon what you might be implying, she's just uncomfortable doing that not being married which means she might actually loosen up after marriage?
I think you are very hesitant because your gut is telling you something.
You need to have a serious think with yourself to figure out what that is. Do not pop any kind of question until you are sure what is that feeling.
Because we here don't know you, and we don't know your girlfriend. We only know this, kinda, online role-playing game based on the lines that are typed.
But here are just a couple things, and sorry, I didn't read all the rest of this thread.
You don't trust what she is saying. That's why you are not buying the ring. You don't see her in intimate communion with you. There isn't really that sense of oneness.
That intimacy is MARRIAGE, son. To hell with the ring, and the veil, and the annoying relatives. Without intimacy, the marriage is a sham.
And there are plenty of sham marriages out there (I survived one, and I don't recommend it). You hear women at their Pampered Chef parties complain that "he ALWAYS wants sex". Or he wants to do "some disgusting thing". When the bride involves her friends/sister/mom or anyone else in your bedroom intimacy, the intimacy is null and void.
Let me just also say that I know plenty of beautiful and wonderful women who just fundamentally don't like men or sex with men. There is a strong Puritan vibe in this country, and it appeals to a certain kind of female, and abets her disgust of the male animal. Sad but true.
How this sometimes plays out is that she scores the marital contract, and then uses that contract to sort of enslave the man (YOU SIGNED A VOW). She gains weight, or she changes in significant ways. She has the sex to have children, but then that is it as far as the sex is concerned.
You are right to be concerned. But she has drawn the line. Marriage, or the desert. (or maybe marriage, and then the desert)
I think you're right and I just need to be blunt getting it out there. She could get upset with me for telling her, but I hope she'll be easy about it bc it'll be hard to say. I'm hoping this insecurity doesn't drive her away, but maybe if it doesn't it'll help bring us closer?
I think you have nothing to lose by trying. It's clear things cannot go on the way they currently are without both of you being constantly dissatisfied. However, as with any difficult discussion, I would start off by "hearing" her first, or at least acknowledging that you now realize you haven't fully listened to her and been open to discussions about marriage. Explore both your sides of this fully and see what's there. Maybe there's something to work with, maybe there isn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by adk98
You're right. Do you think me discussing marriage with her here and there wouldn't be leading her on? I want us to get to that point eventually, but I worry that maybe it'd be wrong of me to talk about it when I'm not ready.
Here's the thing. If you don't want to get married within the next year or two, I think you should break it off. It simply wouldn't be fair to her, no matter how wonderful you might think it is to be in a relationship without marriage--that would be satisfying you, while only making her feel worse and worse for never having her needs met.
I think you need to be willing to talk about marriage as much, as in depth, and as honestly as you would like her to talk about sex. So would you be happy if she gave you feedback very sparingly, very unopenly, and without truly giving of herself, that's how you should approach it. If you want her to do the opposite of everything listed, be free, open, relaxed and giving, you have to be just as giving in return. Good luck to you. This may be the girl or not. But if you always hold back, you'll never find out.
I think you are very hesitant because your gut is telling you something.
You need to have a serious think with yourself to figure out what that is. Do not pop any kind of question until you are sure what is that feeling.
Because we here don't know you, and we don't know your girlfriend. We only know this, kinda, online role-playing game based on the lines that are typed.
But here are just a couple things, and sorry, I didn't read all the rest of this thread.
You don't trust what she is saying. That's why you are not buying the ring. You don't see her in intimate communion with you. There isn't really that sense of oneness.
That intimacy is MARRIAGE, son. To hell with the ring, and the veil, and the annoying relatives. Without intimacy, the marriage is a sham.
And there are plenty of sham marriages out there (I survived one, and I don't recommend it). You hear women at their Pampered Chef parties complain that "he ALWAYS wants sex". Or he wants to do "some disgusting thing". When the bride involves her friends/sister/mom or anyone else in your bedroom intimacy, the intimacy is null and void.
Let me just also say that I know plenty of beautiful and wonderful women who just fundamentally don't like men or sex with men. There is a strong Puritan vibe in this country, and it appeals to a certain kind of female, and abets her disgust of the male animal. Sad but true.
How this sometimes plays out is that she scores the marital contract, and then uses that contract to sort of enslave the man (YOU SIGNED A VOW). She gains weight, or she changes in significant ways. She has the sex to have children, but then that is it as far as the sex is concerned.
You are right to be concerned. But she has drawn the line. Marriage, or the desert. (or maybe marriage, and then the desert)
I see what you mean but it's like I can't tell if that's my gut or my insecurities or something else. Do you think it's more likely that it's she just doesn't like sex than it is that she's not sexually attracted to me in that way?
What happened with your first marriage? Does it resemble anything like this?
It isn't shocking as it is just pure horse crap. Those aren't mutually exclusive things, you're promoting a false dilemma logical fallacy. You can have a healthy nurturing emotional relationship and hot steamy sex. In fact, those two things generally go together. If you're considering marriage, you should be looking for the complete package.
Well I just had a phone conversation with her and told her bluntly my insecurities, etc. I told her that I was feeling inadequate about our intimacy bc I felt I was doing something wrong or she might not be that attracted to me in that way. I was just honest and told her I was worried that perhaps she might've had that passion with someone else and just didn't feel that desire with me. I cautioned her that it was hard for me to tell her this and I was being completely honest and I was making myself very vulnerable. I asked her if she's had an orgasm with me before and it's ok if she hasn't, I just was wondering. I explained I was worrying about these things bc I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong.
So what happens? She gets really mad and me and tells me she's disgusted by me and can't believe I'd ask that and then hangs up on the phone and ignore my attempts to call back. I don't know if I should've just kept it to myself, but now I'm not feeling very comfortable telling her stuff like this anymore. Tried opening up and she took it personal. I did my best to explain that it was just me and I felt like I needed to let it out to her to get it off my chest. She took it as I was comparing myself, which I was in a way, and got really offended. Maybe she was right for taking it this way, i really don't know what to think or do from here.
I think you're right and I just need to be blunt getting it out there. She could get upset with me for telling her, but I hope she'll be easy about it bc it'll be hard to say. I'm hoping this insecurity doesn't drive her away, but maybe if it doesn't it'll help bring us closer?
"Insecurity" won't bring you closer. Honesty about your insecurity COULD bring you closer, but I really believe that right now this hurdle is too huge for you to get over.
The key to the kind of sexual relationship you're hoping for is intimacy that is based in complete confidence, honesty and courage. No fear, you know what I mean?
And right now you have almost none of those. I don't think she's being honest with herself about what she really wants, whether it's to wait for marriage or what. You aren't honest about what this "lack" means to you. You're both so full of fear that it leaves you completely insecure. It's no wonder you can't let go with each other.
The thing is, I have been through this and it is nearly impossible to "cure." Once this kind of intimacy problem arises, it becomes a huge handicap that always hangs over your head when you approach each other.
"Will this be the time?" "Will she say yes?" "Will she want me?" etc.
When she said lustful, I asked her to explain and she said it was wrong and just an act. With me she said she's in love with me and feels right.
That line just keeps playing over and over in my head and makes me worry that she was actually turned on by that guy and not me.
You know what, son, I'm gonna break ranks here and tell you this girl is playing you like a grand piano.
Was she really "traumatized"? Hmmm. Did you ever actually meet her ex? Maybe he was actually a good guy, just not marriage material. She gets a lot of play out of the 'he said I kiss like a fish', but...do you know if he is actually the monster she claims he is?
She certainly is able to control the conversation/relationship/intimacy with tales of her former relationship horror, isn't she? She's a bit fixated on it, isn't she?
Normally, I would think a girl would wanna get over all that and enjoy a new wonderful man and relationship, and not keep playing the sad old tune....unless it works for her? In some way?
Hey, I'm a lot older than you or the gf, but I will tell you honestly, I will not consider marriage unless my guy is practically putting my head through the wall on a regular basis ((hheee heee)). In fact, why get married if you can have all the passion, the closeness and even the children without it?
What happened with my ex is that he put on a great show until we were married. And then he was very indifferent. And he blamed me for everything, although his preference turned out to be for his own gender. Even so, we had 3 kids in 4 years, so you know more than you need to know about me. Marriage with him was a bitter freezing tundra of unsaid things. I would spare anyone that.
What I hate to hear you say is that you have become insecure and afraid to touch on difficult topics with her. She is hiding behind veils that seem so ...sweet...but um, your confidence and sense of self are eroding because of her coy rejection of you.
At this point, you are telling practically everyone who is posting on this thread "you are right", but the only one who can be right is you. It is your life, and it is much too important to get this one thing right. I have told all my children (who are about your age) that who you marry is the single most important decision you will make in terms of your adult well-being.
I think you think you will never find anyone as "perfect" as this girl. I think you are wrong.
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Marriage with him was a bitter freezing tundra of unsaid things. I would spare anyone that.
