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We're in our mid-twenties and been together a little over a year now. She's absolutely beautiful and the sweetest girl I've met. She's everything I want in a wife except one thing... Ever since I first kissed her, I noticed she was awkward. Anything intimately she has seemed that way too. I don't know how to describe it other than that I feel like she's just not giving herself 100% to me and letting herself go.
I've tried talking to her several times, as patiently and caring as possible but I don't think I'm making sense to her. She has told me she's not sexual, that she's upset she's having sex before marriage, etc. I treat her great and we have a lot of fun together. Lately, she's been a little pushy about marriage and she says she's ready and it hurts her feelings I don't feel the same. She asked my fears and I told her besides the fact I'm just not ready (due to finances and my living situation), I want to continue working on our intimate life bc I'm afraid of us getting married and losing our sex life. I also asked her why the rush and told her I love her and just want to enjoy every second we're together now. She was upset by this for some reason.
As for the passion thing which is the biggest thing holding me back, I just feel like I can't grab her and get that intimate connection I crave. It's weird- I can feel my passion for her wanting to let loose, but it then feels shut down when it meets where hers should be. It just becomes awkward and a turn-off. It scares the hell out of me bc I care for her so much.
Before us, she had 2 relationships- one for 5 years high school bf who she did nothing sexual with. The other, the guy who took her virginity and her only other partner, she was with for 2 years and he treated her horribly and ran her into the ground; emotionally abused her and said a lot of bad things about her body. She once told me that with him is was lustful and she wishes she could've waited for me bc it feels like true love. It feels like that but why doesn't she feel and act as I feel when we touch and want sex more? I feel often as though she doesn't desire me at all and when she referred to her ex as lustful, that made me think "am I not attractive or something". She says her sex drive has always been that way though. I can't help but beat myself up thinking it's something I'm doing wrong. I've never had this much insecurity, but it's being brought up bc of this lack of passion and feeling desired.
I've tried asking her if maybe she's got some bad feelings about sex bc of the ex and she says no and that she's so glad that's over.
I'm being patient as I can be but it really throws a curve ball in there when she starts pressing marriage. What is going on and what can I do? I honestly feel like she just doesn't know what she's doing and doesn't know what passion is or how to let herself feel it... it's like there's a block there. Getting sex with your girlfriend of a year very rarely or getting shutdown often really starts to make one feel depressed after a while. It's like you feel as if you can't be yourself in that aspect.
I appreciate any insight or advice on what to do with this current situation. I want to make it work. I feel as if I open this door to being comfortable for her, things will be awesome.
Sounds like you need to add a little alcohol to the relationship to "open things up" if you know what I'm sayin'
Haha I do hear what you're saying but I don't want to have to get her to have a few drinks everytime I want to be intimate with her. I'm not much of a drinker myself anyways. Thank you for the advice though.
You're dating a person, not a porn star. She's telling you that she doesn't have a huge sex drive, so even if she enjoys the sex you're having she's not going to change. If having mismatched libidos is a huge problem for you, then maybe it's time to let her go so you can find someone more on your level.
You're dating a person, not a porn star. She's telling you that she doesn't have a huge sex drive, so even if she enjoys the sex you're having she's not going to change. If having mismatched libidos is a huge problem for you, then maybe it's time to let her go so you can find someone more on your level.
So do you think it's safe to say that this IS just a case of her having a low libido?
Do you have any suggestions on how to work on this or handle talking to her to compromise?
BTW, I know I'm not dating a porn star and neither is she. Please don't make it sound like I'm trying to make someone to be one.
Sometimes the only way to get them to open up is to take control in the bedroom. Maybe she doesn't know how much she will like it because she's never had it before? When I say take control I mean be a freakin caveman in there. Upside down, backside up, slip n slide, etc.
Last edited by waviking24; 12-12-2013 at 01:41 PM..
Some people just aren't sexual, and they never will be. I know a number of people like this - they love the intimacy of a relationship, but they just have absolutely no desire for the sex. If that's the case with her, it will likely not change.
You can't "compromise" on sex. Not in a good way, at least. If she doesn't particularly like having sex, and doesn't have a desire for sex, then there's not going to be a compromise that makes either of you happy. Sure, you could agree to have a certain amount of sex, but if you're happy having sex with someone who wishes she could be doing anything else at that moment, then there's something seriously wrong with you. And you can't compromise on passion - it's not like she can just suddenly make herself passionate (to your liking) however many times a week or month, just because that's what you've "compromised" on.
Be careful about proceeding with the relationship. She wants one thing (marriage, and possibly a relationship that involves very little sex), and you want another thing (no marriage yet, and lots of passionate sex). Those two things don't go well together.
This is just one example, and obviously may be very different from your case, but I had a friend who married a woman, in part because of the sex thing (she didn't like having sex before marriage). Well, the only time she liked having sex was for baby-making (soon after marriage), and after that, she wasn't interested at all. He was lucky if they had sex on his birthday, and even then, she would usually say she felt pressured into it, and obviously she wasn't enthusiastic. It was an issue indicative of much larger issues within their relationship (they ultimately felt differently about what they each wanted out of life, and how they wanted it), and it lead to a divorce and some custody battles. Not a good situation.
You don't need to get her liquored up every time but maybe once just to loosen her up a bit. Just so you can see what she is like without inhibitions. Sometimes longer foreplay can help get her where you want her to be and like the other poster said her libido could be very low. Some birth control pills can take your libido away and she would not even notice.
If she's not sexual, you probably cannot change that part of her personality. If she's holding back because you two are having sex while you're not married, that's another matter.
I don't know how you can go about figuring this out, but you need to be honest with her. Next time you two have sex, you need to show her what you're really like. I mean, she obviously needs to have agreed to have sex, but stop holding back your passionate nature and just be yourself.
She will either get with that or she will figure out that she's not meant for you. Quit trying to make this fit if it's not gonna be natural for you.
Being married with totally mismatched libidos is tough.
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