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Not every incidence of avoidance stems from "anxiety issues." It sounds like immaturity, mostly. Conversation can be awkward. But you guys can't go through life avoiding people and basically sneaking in and out without at least making an effort to interact with people. It's disrespectful.
If you want people to "like" you, it helps to make an effort to show that you like them, too.
Parents are people, too. Be someone people are glad to see, not someone who acts like they could care less.
^^^This.
How old are you two? You've been dating for 3 years and you haven't seen her family in a year? That's pretty much unheard of. No family gatherings for birthdays, holidays, Mother's/Father's Day? No getting together for a bbq on a sunny summer evening?
Maybe it's not that your mother doesn't like your GF, but you haven't given either parent a chance to know you or your SO either. Why is that?
Last edited by Katnan; 12-19-2013 at 07:22 AM..
Reason: can't spell today
I think you should talk to your Mom and explain some things, like your GF's shyness, and your participation in not wanting to go to family events. It's easier if everyone likes each other, but at the end of the day your Mom liking your GF is not a requirement.
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Not every incidence of avoidance stems from "anxiety issues." It sounds like immaturity, mostly. Conversation can be awkward. But you guys can't go through life avoiding people and basically sneaking in and out without at least making an effort to interact with people. It's disrespectful.
If you want people to "like" you, it helps to make an effort to show that you like them, too.
Parents are people, too. Be someone people are glad to see, not someone who acts like they could care less.
I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. I've learned about earning respect in therapy and it gave me a whole new perspective of what respect really is. So yes, we do need to do more interaction with our families. Thank you.
How old are you two? You've been dating for 3 years and you haven't seen her family in a year? That's pretty much unheard of. No family gatherings for birthdays, holidays, Mother's/Father's Day? No getting together for a bbq on a sunny summer evening?
Maybe it's not that your mother doesn't like your GF, but you haven't given either parent a chance to know you or your SO either. Why is that?
Well, because of school and my job me and my girlfriend only see each other once a week (sometimes 2 times but that's a stretch). When we hang out I don't like being home, not because I don't want to spend time with my family, but because I just want to go out. It helps me clear my mind especially after a rough week.
I work on most holidays, so the gatherings mostly take place when I'm not here (same thing over at my girlfriends house). Another reason could be I don't like her family, they treat me like an alien. When I go over there it's just weird for me, her mom has this attitude and 'fake' admiration towards me. So whenever we decide to go over someone elses house it's always my house we choose. However, lately we haven't done that. My girlfriend has been wanting to come over to my house to see my mom since the summer, but we just always decide to spend time outside.
Like I said earlier, it's mostly my fault or all my fault.
Do not tell your GF what your mother thinks of her. It will ruin an already tricky relationship.
And I disagree with almost everyone. Do not talk to your mother about this. She is an adult, and is free to have an opinion of other adults. Unless she is actually treating your GF poorly, let it go. Let them develop their own relationship.
Having said that, you should definitely work harder at integrating her into your family and you integrating into hers.
Earlier today, I happen to eavesdrop on a conversation my mom and my brother's godmother were having. My mom was saying how my brothers girlfriend is so nice and perfect, and so conversational with her. However, my girlfriend is timid, reserved, and doesn't really say much except 'hi' and a couple of other things. There are many reasons for this, my girlfriend has anxiety issues and she's not good at talking to people she barely sees (like my mother). Even though my brothers girlfriend doesn't see my mother much, she has a totally different personality compared to my girlfriend. She is far more social and outgoing, her and my girlfriend have polar opposite personalities. Also, my girlfriend hasn't come to my house in a while. This is mostly because of me, I just never like to be home, I always want to be outside. So on Friday's when we see each other, she comes to picks me up and we leave in her car. My mom doesn't get home from work until 7 so we don't stick around long enough to see her. Mom was saying she feels my girlfriend is selfish and not worth the trouble. She was mad about my girl not ever buying her a gift since she bought her a scarf last winter. Meanwhile, my girlfriend's been asking me what my mom likes for she can get something.
I feel like this is my fault, because i'm the same way with her family. I never see them, last time I saw them was on Christmas Eve last year. I don't like her family and I know they don't like me either so I just don't bother. They probably feel the same way about me as my mother feels about my girlfriend.
I feel like it's too late to change anything. I also have anxiety issues that i'm dealing with and trust me I've come a long way. I've seen a psychologist at school and I've attended group therapy. Now I have this underlying fear that if I start bringing my girlfriend around, my mom might start to think I overheard her convo.
I don't know what to do
Should I tell my girlfriend? Should I talk to my mother? Should I just try to make this work?
Do not tell your GF what your mother thinks of her. It will ruin an already tricky relationship.
And I disagree with almost everyone. Do not talk to your mother about this. She is an adult, and is free to have an opinion of other adults. Unless she is actually treating your GF poorly, let it go. Let them develop their own relationship.
Having said that, you should definitely work harder at integrating her into your family and you integrating into hers.
See that's a problem i'm having within myself. Should I start that immediately or should I wait a week or something? I don't want to make it obvious, I don't want my mother to get suspicious.
See that's a problem i'm having within myself. Should I start that immediately or should I wait a week or something? I don't want to make it obvious, I don't want my mother to get suspicious.
Please don't take this as a personal attack. I wonder if you are a mom's boy? (correct me if I am wrong.)
What is your mom's reason of not liking her? If your girlfriend is a great girl who makes you happy, your mom needs to learn to relax and just let you be.
Quite frankly, learning from good and bad relationships is part of growing up. I wouldn't tell the girlfriend if I were you.
Please don't take this as a personal attack. I wonder if you are a mom's boy? (correct me if I am wrong.)
What is your mom's reason of not liking her? If your girlfriend is a great girl who makes you happy, your mom needs to learn to relax and just let you be.
Quite frankly, learning from good and bad relationships is part of growing up. I wouldn't tell the girlfriend if I were you.
I'm not a mom's boy lol. I love my mother with all my heart but I don't want her believing I'm bringing my girlfriend over just because I might of over heard her convo. Know what I mean?
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