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It does seem like she has tried, and is not done trying yet.
Yes, you should have thought of all of this before, but that horse is out of the barn.
I would try counseling with him, explain what you need to be happy and you want it to be done with him, and see where it goes.
In the mean time, see if you can find that happiness with doing things yourself. If he complains tell him he is welcome to come, but that you are going to be doing it.
I hope he comes around.
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It does seem like she has tried, and is not done trying yet.
Yes, you should have thought of all of this before, but that horse is out of the barn.
I would try counseling with him, explain what you need to be happy and you want it to be done with him, and see where it goes.
In the mean time, see if you can find that happiness with doing things yourself. If he complains tell him he is welcome to come, but that you are going to be doing it.
I hope he comes around.
Where are you reading that she has tried? I don't see where she had even began to try. I see where she posted to let him make *her* happy, but that is it. What am I missing, where is the post where she sacrificed for her husband instead of waiting for him to sacrifice for her?
I think some of you are being pretty harsh. To say she was not really abused is crossing the line. You don't know what her relationship was like and there is no way you can make an assumption like that based on a few paragraphs. There is a real person behind her words and she sounds a lot more rational than some posters here. She's taking responsibility for her mistakes and that's a lot more than some people ever do.
OP's husband sounds like a great guy and she admits he is a good spouse, but that doesn't make them compatible for the long haul and it doesn't mean he's never done anything wrong. Both spouses should absolutely have their own separate hobbies and interests, but when OP repeatedly tries to include him and he refuses, what does that say about him? Would it really kill him to travel with her or go see the horse for an hour here or there? It would mean time together and it would clearly mean a lot to the OP.
Perhaps I'm just feeling super reflective today, but as I've gotten older I've started to think about the meaning of my life and what true happiness is. It doesn't sound like OP is looking for another person to fulfill her at all. It sounds like she wants to find fulfillment herself by traveling, having hobbies, etc. and she doesn't want to live a life in the burbs raising more kids and coming home to the couch every night. Maybe there is a compromise in there somewhere or maybe they just want different things and it's not going to work. Regardless he needs to know how you feel and how unhappy you truly are.
People make mistakes. And people aren't static. Maybe at the time she married this guy she thought it was what she wanted. Things change. Please be honest with him and with yourself. Despite everything I said, the grass isn't always greener on the other side and you may go off into the world to have your great adventures and find you really miss your husband and you made a mistake. There's a lot to consider. OP, I hope everything works out for you.
I never once mentioned anywhere that I was interested in a man #3, or another man, period. I'm not. I have no desire whatsoever to involve another person in my life. So for everyone who is under the impression that I am jumping ship from this man to another, you're way off base.
I have tried to involve myself in my husband's very limited scope of interests. Repeatedly. I routinely give up time I could be spending on my own hobbies and interests to try to please him and participate in what he likes. One problem is he has so few interests. When the majority of his evening involves him playing one-person games on his computer, where am I supposed to fit in with that? I've asked him to show me how to play them so I can talk to him about the games he's enjoying, and that lasts for all of a couple of days before he moves onto another game. I'm reading a book series right now that is very outside my preferred scope because it is his favorite author. When I try to engage him in conversations about them, I may get a few brief minutes of conversation and then he loses interest in talking about it. When I ask him what other things he might enjoy doing or what he might want to pursue as an interest, I get a lot of "Oh, I don't know, what do you want to do?"
I voluntarily started seeing a therapist over a year ago because I recognize that it might be helpful in showing me ways to converse with him and stay interested. I go see her every two weeks, I discuss my thoughts on what's happening and share with her how I'm feeling. She gives me suggestions on how to communicate with him and try to stay involved with my husband, and I continue to use these methods every single day. He saw a therapist one time about this, and says that she told him that she didn't see any real reason for him to be there. He's not very open in discussing his feelings and tells me he "doesn't want to hurt my feelings or upset me" so instead of being open and talking, he just says he's fine. I know he isn't. I've suggested maybe we see someone together to talk about our feelings in an open, monitored setting with someone who can help, and he's said he doesn't think it's necesssary and nothing is wrong.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I don't see how I haven't tried. I do think that pushing the issue more of a marrigae counselor is important, and I have a call into my own therapist to see if she can suggest one to me. I'm not throwing in the towel and walking away because he did something silly like forgot to take the trash out or didn't answer a phone call. It's not like I woke up this morning and decided, "Hey, it's Monday. I think I want to get out of this marriage."
Love isn't about sharing interests. I think that's the source of your dissatisfaction - you believe love means you enjoy the same things. That's just not true. I know people who have loved each other for decades without a lot of common interests. Love isn't riding on horses together, you can get a girlfriend to do that with you.
What is your emotional bond like with your husband, interests and hobbies aside?
What is love to you? The type of love which grows when well-tended... What is that in your mind? And what do you do to help sow those seeds with your husband?
I'm well aware that two people do not have to share common interests to be in love. Each of us can have our individual interests and I do not feel that I have to be involved in his, or he in mine. Sure, it would be nice to share those things together, but I'm perfectly capable of enjoying my own interests without someone there to hold my hand.
I'm not quite sure I have a concrete definition of love that I can reiterate at the moment. I know in my head what it means to me and I know what it feels like, and I do not feel like it is as powerful in this relationship as it should be to keep both of us happy. Yes, I know that shaping that concept and defining it is paramount to helping me decide on what to do in this situation. I'm working on it. I'm trying to make sure I make the absolute best decision for everyone involved, on all levels. I'm not making this decision on a whim by any stretch of the imagination. I have plenty more thinking, and we have lots of dicussing and trying to do, before I can make that choice.
I call couples like you "walking zombies" and I see them all the time. I feel bad for them. I've heard people like you describe themselves as feeling dead or dying on the vine. Someone who is passionate does not belong with someone who is dispassionate. I think many people who are dispassionate don't realize it, but it is not good to be with someone who is passionate. Someone who is passionate would exhaust the dispassionate person who just wants to be on autopilot. If you truly feel like you'd be happier alone, then leave. If you're lucky enough to find another mate, it will have to be someone who is also passionate (but not abusive).
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
OP's husband sounds like a great guy and she admits he is a good spouse, but that doesn't make them compatible for the long haul and it doesn't mean he's never done anything wrong. Both spouses should absolutely have their own separate hobbies and interests, but when OP repeatedly tries to include him and he refuses, what does that say about him? Would it really kill him to travel with her or go see the horse for an hour here or there? It would mean time together and it would clearly mean a lot to the OP.
No, but if he isn't interested she should go do them on her own and not be resentful and stay at home.
Where are you reading that she has tried? I don't see where she had even began to try. I see where she posted to let him make *her* happy, but that is it. What am I missing, where is the post where she sacrificed for her husband instead of waiting for him to sacrifice for her?
Read the post above (#34), for a quick summary of some of the ways she's been trying. She has also invited him to go places with her but he doesn't want to, which would certainly be his prerogative, but then he complains that she's gone.
I think she should continue to try so if she does leave, her conscience will be a little more at ease. I'm not sure if he understands that this lack is jeopardizing the marriage.
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No, but if he isn't interested she should go do them on her own and not be resentful and stay at home.
That is also an option. A good option even. And who knows, maybe it'll inspire her husband to want to go along with her? Or, maybe he'll just get upset that he's getting left alone.
You would be surprised at how many married couples essentially live separate lives. That sounds sad, but they get along and live harmoniously otherwise, so they see no point in leaving.
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