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I'm running into a frustrating situation... my boyfriend and I are getting serious and very often, he's been expressing his desire to settle down, get married, buy a house, have a family, etc. I would be honored to be his wife, as he is a wonderful man and we have so much in common. The problem is he works as an assistant therapist to behaviorally challenged children and doesn't make much at all, which is ok with me. He said he wants to wait to get me a ring until he can get me a really nice one. At this rate, that's never going to happen.
I told him I don't want/need anything flashy or expensive, I would rather save up for a house. He said no, he wants to get me something my friends and family would approve of
At this rate, I'll never get engaged. I don't think he will accept that I actually want an inexpensive ring. I can think of so many other important things I would rather him spend money on, like a house payment, or savings account.... I would suspect this was a cover for not wanting to get married, but he talks about getting married and our collective future all the time, plus I have no reason to doubt his feelings.
Is there anything I can do to convince him that I really DON'T WANT an expensive ring?? This same situation happened with my late boyfriend (fiance really, in all but the ring) and it really sucks to be in this same limbo again.
How are you going to afford all of this if he is an assistant therapist? He needs a reality check and needs to realize that his wants and dreams are on a whole different level from where he is right now.
He will either have to better himself position wise or accept a low standard of living and struggle. You may one day grow tired of this as well.
Is there a possibility that he using that as an excuse to put off getting married?
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How are you going to afford all of this if he is an assistant therapist? He needs a reality check and needs to realize that his wants and dreams are on a whole different level from where he is right now.
He will either have to better himself position wise or accept a low standard of living and struggle. You may one day grow tired of this as well.
I have a decent paying job, and he's talking about making a career change to go into dental school. He's actively working on that now.
Even people who work modestly paying jobs are capable of saving up for something that is important to them. It may not be important to you for your boyfriend to get you a particular ring, but it may be important to him to do so. If this discrepancy is something you can't deal with, you will have to talk it out.
I, too, work with behaviorally disordered children (special ed teacher, but work with many therapists/BCABAs, etc., and know the pay scale well). People in this field have managed to do things like afford engagement rings, pay for weddings, and become homeowners...they just have to accept that it takes time to save for these things. You both will have to be realistic about your timeline for the things you want. Taking on the added debt of additional schooling is also not likely to speed the process up any.
I'm running into a frustrating situation... my boyfriend and I are getting serious and very often, he's been expressing his desire to settle down, get married, buy a house, have a family, etc. I would be honored to be his wife, as he is a wonderful man and we have so much in common. The problem is he works as an assistant therapist to behaviorally challenged children and doesn't make much at all, which is ok with me. He said he wants to wait to get me a ring until he can get me a really nice one. At this rate, that's never going to happen.
I told him I don't want/need anything flashy or expensive, I would rather save up for a house. He said no, he wants to get me something my friends and family would approve of
At this rate, I'll never get engaged. I don't think he will accept that I actually want an inexpensive ring. I can think of so many other important things I would rather him spend money on, like a house payment, or savings account.... I would suspect this was a cover for not wanting to get married, but he talks about getting married and our collective future all the time, plus I have no reason to doubt his feelings.
Is there anything I can do to convince him that I really DON'T WANT an expensive ring?? This same situation happened with my late boyfriend (fiance really, in all but the ring) and it really sucks to be in this same limbo again.
The bolded--he's marrying you, not your friends and not your family. Why do THEY need to approve a piece of jewelry? IMO, that's an excuse to put off marriage. I've seen it with friends and relatives--the guys talk about the future together and 8 years of dating there's no ring, no wedding, no nothing.
If you both sincerely want to marry each other then tell him that and if he keeps harping about the ring then imo you should ask him why it's more important to him what others think rather than your feelings.
OP, not to be paranoid, but...this sounds like a stalling tactic. He doesn't want to say he's not ready to get married, so he's set up an unrealistic goal as the obstacle.
Put your foot down, and cheerfully say, "Let's go shopping for a $400 ring [or whatever price]. The engagement is/you are more important to me than the ring". And see how he reacts. If he gives you the "friends/family should approve" line, tell him you don't care what they think, and they'd be happy just to see you engaged, the ring is irrelevant to them. See how he reacts to that. Watch carefully. How he reacts to a discussion like that should tell you if he's serious about getting married or not.
Good luck, OP. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. His actions so far seem to be saying something you may not be willing to hear.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-06-2014 at 01:18 PM..
Do you work? Sounds like this might be one-sided here, if it is and you do not work...this is exactly why many men here and all over the world are sick of women. I understand you accept him and would like to marry him, but to rely on him financially is just not fair, IMO. You can NOT have a successful household if you can NOT make ends meet. You must have realistic goals whatever your situation is.
Do you work? Sounds like this might be one-sided here, if it is and you do not work...this is exactly why many men here and all over the world are sick of women. I understand you accept him and would like to marry him, but to rely on him financially is just not fair, IMO.
Uh, the OP EXPLICITLY SAID, "I have a decent paying job."
Simmer down, there, and read a little more closely before going off on your soapbox.
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