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Weird situation I don't know how to handle. Last month I told my boyfriend that my kids would be going out of town for Valentines Day weekend so we should make some plans. I was thinking romantic dinner in front of the fireplace, but He immediately responded that we should go out of town. within a day or two we had settled on a destination about 4 hours from where we live. Then he started looking for a hotel reservation. He sent me some links to some really swanky hotels and I said he didn't need to spend that much, I'm happy with the Hampton inn or whatever. He knows I'm a t-shirt and jeans kinda gal. But he said there wasn't much available and he reserved a suite at the Doubletree Inn, and reserved a table for the 15 at a very nice restaurant.
Meanwhile, on two separate occasions, he very casually asked me if I was doing okay financially. He knows my ex owes me a fair amount of money and I've been anxious to file my tax return because I'm due a big refund, but I don't give a lot of detail (nor do I ask for his) because it isn't his business/problem at this point. If ex pays me what he owes and I get this refund, I will barely be back in the black and I'm being very conservative in order to stay that way. I'm also working extra hours to try to get ahead (32 per week instead of 20). He knows I have retirement accounts and don't buy things I don't need. Essentially, I'm cash poor right now, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If anything, I felt I have shared too much about my financial business.
He has always paid for our dates, although I have attempted to reciprocate by cooking dinner/buying groceries, or paying for small things like the frozen yogurt. Honestly, I was enjoying the fact that he never hesitated to pay, and I ALWAYS let him pick the restaurant...Even when I suggest something that is 'more casual' he says he wants to eat at X restaurant. He works in IT and has a decent salary, and relatively low living expenses (has no kids, car paid in full, does not have expensive tastes, etc)
We had a FABULOUS weekend out of town. He paid for virtually everything. I bought breakfast one day. I'm thinking; as soon as i get my next paycheck I need to find a way to pay for a date...buy tickets to an event in advance, etc. I thanked him multiple times in multiple ways and we genuinely enjoyed ourselves.
On the way home, I told him I had noticed that he was curious about my financial status and asked if his curiousity was due to having been burned in the past by a gold digger. He said: Oh, well actually, I was trying to ask in a very awkward and apparently not effective way if you felt you would be able to contribute to the expenses of the trip.
I was mortified. I had been very specific about letting him make all the choices and indicating that his taste was more extravagant than I need. I never asked for any of it. I also felt that I had made my current financial challenges fairly clear. So I told him I was embarrassed and that I thought I had been fairly clear in sharing my financial situation and that I didn't expect our trip to be quite so extravagant. So he said it really didn't matter and he just wanted to know for purposes of planning, since he had spent about $1000 on the trip.
Then today, I'm at work and we are messaging and he says, Did you give any more thought to what I asked you yesterday? and at first I didn't even know what he was talking about. But he still wants to know if i'm going to contribute to the trip.
So I feel awful. If I had known this would be an issue I would NEVER have even gone on a trip. I feel like I took advantage of him and I feel stupid for not offering to pay more.
My choices:
1) Tell him I just can't afford to contribute at this time
2) Tell him I'm sorry I missed the hint and offer to pay for our next few dates (so that I'm spreading out the expense).
3) Tell him I'm sorry I missed the hint and offer to write him a check. But for how much?
WWYD
Last edited by Stagemomma; 02-17-2014 at 07:43 PM..
I would tell him I missed the hint and simply can't afford to contribute.
Then I would make it very very clear that this dynamic of him paying for everything was not working for you and you'd prefer to go dutch from now on. Whilst his generosity is all well and good, you, in all good faith, should not have allowed it to continue for as long as you have.
Live within your means and date within your means.
He should have been more direct with what he wanted. I don't think you've done anything wrong, really. If you're nor pushing for the nicer hotel or dinner dates, I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty.
With that said it clearly is an issue to him and something you will need to deal with. For him to say he was asking for "planning purposes" is dishonest, too. I think you should talk to him and detail your finances and get him to say directly what he expects. I also think it's fair for you to voice some displeasure and concern over his inability to communicate his expectations.
I was mortified. I had been very specific about letting him make all the choices and indicating that his taste was more extravagant than I need. I never asked for any of it. I also felt that I had made my current financial challenges fairly clear. So I told him I was embarrassed and that I thought I had been fairly clear in sharing my financial situation and that I didn't expect our trip to be quite so extravagant. a check. But for how much?
WWYD
I think you should choose option 1, and say what you said here ^^^.
As you know, honesty will be imperative moving forward. You need to be absolutely clear from now on that you cannot afford such trips. I think this was just a bad miscommunication and VERY different expectations.
Well this is pretty clearly bothering him. Your words may have misled him about what kind of plans you wanted to make (although not intentionally). You mentioned that you said your kids would be out of town for the WEEKEND so you should make plans. Yet you were apparently thinking of only a dinner. He made plans for the weekend. Perhaps it would have been better right away to tell him that isn't what you meant. And I agree with what Djuna said: live within your means and date within your means.
My choices:
1) Tell him I just can't afford to contribute at this time
2) Tell him I'm sorry I missed the hint and offer to pay for our next few dates (so that I'm spreading out the expense).
3) Tell him I'm sorry I missed the hint and offer to write him a check. But for how much?
WWYD
I'd go with #3. Reason being that it's a trip, which is much more expensive than just a date or two. It's also something that a more serious couple would experience together, which means you are at a point of sharing more than just two people dating. You didn't flat out tell him no way would you go on this trip, so that came out as "yes" to him. Offer what you can or at least half the expenses. That would seem fair to me.
I would go with #1, and tell him that from now on you would like to split everything 50/50, which means that any plans/expenses would have to be within your means.
He has asked more than once for money, which means he fully expects you to pay for some of this trip.
I'd cough up what you can and then remind him that you had suggested less expensive hotels and that if he was expecting you to contribute, he should have asked for your input and taken that into consideration. Let him know that in the future you'd prefer to go dutch and would like input in the decision making, this way you at least have control over how much "half" will be when you have to pull out your wallet.
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