hindsight 20/20 What went wrong? (dating, how to, marriage, women)

[lover of life]

I am trying to figure out what went wrong so that I don't repeat mistakes.

Here is my story shorter version...

I am in the final stages of a divorce.... 22 years. I have 3 kids, 2 in college and one in high school (shared custody). The relationship with ex is more or less amicable and not intrusive on either side... (marriage has been over for some time now.. just making it legal).

After 22 years of marriage I decided to try dating. Want to experience life and do things I have never done before.

I never truly dated before. Met ex in late teens and we became an item almost the day we met... so none of this dating game.

I decide to try online dating service. My goal was to meet new people and casual date. Was a bit nervous about non committed sexual relationship...but that seems to be the way things go these days.. was willing to do that as well.

I did not want to have a serious relationship so soon after officially ending marriage...

After several weeks of chatting online I met someone I wanted to meet in person. He seemed very respectful, thoughtful and unassuming. From the very first conversation he brought up the subject of monogamy and desire to be in a relationship. He mentioned that at his age, (mid 40s) he had no time for game playing .... no time or inclination for "do overs".

I seriously thought about letting this guy go by because that is exactly what I did not want... a serious relationship. But I really like the chemistry we had.. I felt totally comfortable with him. He never pressured me for sex or anything. Seemed to be a real lover of women... and relished the sensuality of women. And I decided that he was worth me rethinking my original plan to casual date... I thought he was too good of a potential to allow to pass just because I was 6 months ahead of my schedule. (I figured after 6 months of casually dating I would be ready for something a little more serious... but not marriage)

We started out texting or talking to each other just about every day. He has a daughter as well in high school that he shares custody with so our schedule were busy. The first month we dated or talked regularly. Not a lot of talk about sex... he was very gentleman like.

By the second month we became physically intimate. This was too soon but I was pretty anxious about restarting that part of my life.... I had not been intimate for several years. And the chemistry was great. The sex was great and I relished in having regular sex for the first time in YEARS. He seemed to enjoy our sex as well. And the dating/relationship seemed to be going very well. Double dates with his friends nice restaraunts and concerts. No interaction with the kids.. we both agreed that that should wait until much later to ensure this was something more permanent before we would involve our children.

When we started sex we had an agreement that we would not have sex with other people without divulging that infor to the other... mainly for health reasons.... Safe sex is safest when you are not having sex with multiple people. My thought was if he became intimate with someone else I may want to stop that aspect of our dating. Not wanting commitment per se but inform the other if sexually active with someone else... allow the other person the opportunity to make his/her own decision.

By 3rd month it is time for the holidays. Wasn't sure how to handle holidays since we were so new... We did exchange gift... my gift was a nice token gift... his gift was an expensive pair of earrings. (about $150).

I felt terrible about not matching the value of his gift. Tried to have conversation with him to sort of feel him out about how much we were going to spend on each other, but he would not get into discussion, just said "you get what you want me to have". I was surprised by the gift... it was something that my ex husband bought me for christmas one year and my new friend was giving me the same thing after 3 months.. and my friends said "he must really like you"

Right after Christmas things begin to go down hill. It seemed my friend was busy and unavailable for dating... work, family obligations, illness. Now it is true, all those things did happened... but I felt hurt and neglected because the texting slowed as well. The calls became less frequent. It seemed my friend was pulling away. When we did talk it was sexting. (no typo).

I began to feel that we could find time to squeeze in sex but nothing else. When I questioned him, his reply was that he was legitimately busy... and maybe the time was wrong for us because he did not see it getting better in the near future. I felt like I was acting school girlish silly and as adults with responsibilities I should not be so high maintenance. So I continued to see him.. thinking our schedules would line up again... and just be patient.

But as time went on I had similar questions about if his interest had changed? I'm thinking maybe he wanted FWB instead of relationship. It was something I originally wanted myself but changed because I thought he wanted more. I should also say that I was beginning to have feelings for this guy... I am sure because of the sex. I opened up to him to tell him that I was starting to have feelings for him and felt vunerable because it seemed his interest in me was waning... I asked him several times if he wanted to be FWB or if we were continuing to explore the options of relationship. His response was always the sex was not that important and we could stop, maybe should stop it so that I wouldn't be concerned about his interest in me. But the problem was I really enjoyed the sex, was having fun with sex life for the first time ever and *I* didn't want that to stop... I just wanted to know if I should not be open to him emotionally and guard my heart instead of "exploring relationship option".

We had a "heated" discussion about this and I once again asked if he wanted us to be FWB and he said we don't have to have sex... maybe we should not. Also mentioned that every 5 - 7 days we would have this discussion again. I would recheck because the issue of being too busy would come up again... not available to date... texting as an after thought late at night, or if he wanted sex. I began to wonder if he met someone else. But my friends all thought he was the kind of man that would just be honest about seeing someone else... and since we were not exclusive that he had no reason to lie.

I do believe that he really doesn't lie... if he doesn't want me to know something he just won't say.;. refuse to answer question etc.

He also said that he was not the type to get what he wants and then move on... Also said that he didn't ignore my calls or text (by saying that... I am thinking that he was annoyed and wanted to ignore them but did not). He also made the statement that if he did ignore... that would be permanent, the end.

We ended the call okay, he was picking his daughter up from cheerleading practice. But that was the last contact I have had with him. I text him later that evening... no response. the next day, again no response. on the 3rd day he did respond that he was irritated a bit. The following day, a cool good morning, the 4th day, stated he was doing okay... just taking care of family obligations. I tried to keep these text as light and casual as possible becasue I could tell that he was not happy with me and our conversation. By the end of the week... silence. Ignoring my texts. Then I called and left voice mail because now I know he is upset. no response. It has been 2 weeks since I've seen him, and 1 week since he has responded to my text.

Is this over and he just not going to tell me? Did I do something wrong? Did I read him wrong? Was he just prowling for new sex partner and I miss the clues? I am trying to understand because I don't want a repeat...

[Molli]

Yes, its over.

[AverageGuy2006]

Hmm, it seems so detailed, I almost think it may be real?

I toss an idea out quickly.
Dude got you $150 gift. You got him a token gift. ($20?) IME, when someone hasnt dated for a while, including my self, we are rough around the edges and probably dont even realize it. To me, dating is kind of a skill that one gets better at the more you date.
I have dated some women that didnt date much at all. And I could tell as much. I also dated some women that were serial/causal daters. Again, I could tell. The serial/casual daters are very smooth. But then i notice the casual/serial traits start to pop out.

Dude may only be casually dating. Who knows. Let it go, as it seems this one is over. Stop texting him for a few days, and if he doesnt reach out after all your attempts, then move on.

[BirdieBelle]

Mod cut: Off topic.

OP, the way you wrote it does make it seem like the misread on the Xmas gifts was a catalyst, the beginning of the end.

Maybe he did want more and thought YOU were "just playing," so he backed off. Then your neediness made him think you were wackadoo.

I do think it's over, though. Ignoring is never good. Don't text him anymore. Let it go.

[Dewdroplet76]

Even if it's not over for him - do you want to be with someone who treats you this way?

[lover of life]

Yes, I was thinking that the Christmas gift was a show that he was getting into me and maybe annoyed that I didn't match the depth. I tried to apologize and explain. He brushed it off as nothing much... but I really felt bad. In fact, we never went out after Christmas except once for lunch and movie. It was as if someone flip a switch.

I did do other things to show my care and concern . And had planned to give the gift I wanted to give at Christmas for Valentines day... we did not make it to valentines day.

Some friends are saying to back off and maybe he will relax and reconnect. I am thinking that it is hopeless. I know I am making big mistakes because of my inexperience.

I would like to get a second chance at this because I really do like him and admire him for different reasons.

I know to continue to attempt contact is probably alarming and so I am working hard to not do it. I have never had this problem of being ignored. I really don't know how to handle this...

And what did I do wrong??? Don't want to repeat... too much sex too soon, resist liking someone... maintain an air of nonchalance to play head games?

Why is it so wrong for someone you are dating and having sex with to actually LIKE you?? I don't get it...

[Metaphysique]

The only person who knows what went wrong, if anything, is him. I get it, OP, but I'd back off. If he is not reciprocating and has basically checked out then it's best to move forward and focus on you and perhaps you'll find someone who will be transparent and authentic with you.

[Dewdroplet76]

The mistake you made was trying to stay with someone who wasn't treating you the way you wanted to be treated. You were unhappy with situation and tried to talk to him about it - and it never went well. He became more distant. You kept trying to make things work. He started backing off more and getting more annoyed. Were your needs getting met? No. Whatever type of relationship you want - FWB, casual, something serious, etc. - both people should be happy with the situation and getting their needs met. If one person isn't - it's not working. And if you are unable to discuss things and come to an agreement or arrangement that makes you both happy - it's not working.

Please do not try to contact him again. Even if he did contact you - is this the way you want to be treated?

[lover of life]

wow... I'm just stunned someone could just disappear like that... What is to prevent me from getting involved with someone not authentic again??

I don't want to just rack up numbers just because I am inexperienced and making dating blunders. I am thinking that dating in this cavalier age is just not for me....

[Molli]

According to many of posters on here who write about online dating, you may run into a lot of flakes if you continue with that route.