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wow... I'm just stunned someone could just disappear like that... What is to prevent me from getting involved with someone not authentic again??
I don't want to just rack up numbers just because I am inexperienced and making dating blunders. I am thinking that dating in this cavalier age is just not for me....
You had a bad experience. Take a break, and stop the self-flagellation.
Like a lot of things, you just try again another day.
Seems like he wanted to control the relationship and you let him do so by giving in. There are some people who date solely for their ego. I don't think you're Christmas gift was inappropriate but you need to consider that the gift from him was him showing off and you may not have given him the enthusiastic response he was looking to get. It's childish and immature but it does happen.
I actually lost a family friend over this, his nice deed was picking up the tab of a group meal but he did it to show off in front of a group at an event and when I smiled and genuinely said, "thanks" it infuriated him. He immediately cut off contact and I only found out through his girlfriend that it I "seemed ungrateful." I'm not saying that happened here but it's something to consider.
I think the only thing you did wrong was not keeping your boundaries, if you have an idea of how dating should go, stick to that and if a guy can't respect that then move on. Also remember that you don't need to wait for a guy that is relationship material to date, you can get a lot of practice and have fun by just going out on dates. As long as you are upfront about your boundaries, there should be no surprises.
LOL!! I guess I am being very melodramatic.... I just am so disappointed and unsure of myself... First time out and I pick a boar... How could I be so wrong?? Just stunned. I am the one who gave the green light for physical intimancy. I am the one who suggested that we didn't have to go out every time we wanted to hang out... to save money.
I was the one who was careful to not be intrusive... make sure I called before I would come to a previously arranged time... text before I called to make sure I wasn't interrupting something important. Did I do wrong? Just at a loss.....
Yes I started having feelings... but I tried very hard to not push them on him. Only when I started getting feelings that he was seeing someone else... or pulling away from me or both did I question him and told him that I was having the convo because I was feeling rather vunerable...
The fact I was falling for him seemed to alarm him.... I even said to him, "I don't understand how people can be physically intimate and not develop feelings for someone"
Don't be hard on yourself. I've been a widow for about a year after a 20 yr marriage and have only went out on one date. I have no idea how I misjudged the man as much as I did, but after he grabbed me and tried to force me to get physical with him I haven't tried dating again LOL. I had never in my life EVER had a man try to force me physically like that. I think that for those of us who had long marriages and are now single we have quite a learning curve.
Omaraz, thank you for saying one thing that I needed to hear.... "Also remember that you don't need to wait for a guy that is relationship material to date, you can get a lot of practice and have fun by just going out on dates"
This guy seemed to be "too good to be true" I even wondered how he wasn't already in a relationship. Nice looking, good job, seemed to be a good devoted dad... even treated ex-wife decent and with respect and good regard.
So now I have been encouraged to go back to the drawing board... and I when I took a peek, no one I have noticed is even in the same ballpark. Which then made me redouble my efforts to reconnect with this guy. His interest in me was so amazing to me that I could even date someone who scored 8/10 or higher in my dating criteria. It was such a boost to my ego and confidence coming out of a bad and emotionally abusive marriage.... (ex used to tell me how I was bag of sh$t and no one would want me.) I did a lot of self improvement, and finally left him... and then WOW, I met and date really the best quality guy ever in my life... and for it to end so abruptly and callously.... It just make me question and doubt myself....
I know that is a lot to hang on a dating for several months encounters... but I felt boosted by it and now I feel pulled way down by its demise.
Last edited by lover of life; 02-19-2014 at 10:24 PM..
OP, you didn't do anything wrong. You trusted and had high hopes, and that's not a mistake. It's unfortunate that he turned out to be a d-bag.
IF indeed the issue was the gift, then clearly he is a superficial/materialistic person, so you probably wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway. And clearly he was not honest with you, or else he would have clearly told you he was no longer interested. Again, d-bag.
When you feel up to dating again, I would recommend going on lots of dates with lots of different types of guys, so you can get a feel for how men your (our?) age are acting in the dating game now, what kind of baggage they are carrying, etc. That way you can get your spidey-sense back on track. But *don't* sleep with any of them. I say that because I know exactly how you feel (I was like that after my divorce - missed sex immensely) about wanting to have an active and fun sex life, but unfortunately it can lead to guys who are only after one thing, or you developing feelings for guys who are not going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to figure out the present world of dating. It can be a very confusing, demoralizing place.
wow... I'm just stunned someone could just disappear like that... What is to prevent me from getting involved with someone not authentic again??
I don't want to just rack up numbers just because I am inexperienced and making dating blunders. I am thinking that dating in this cavalier age is just not for me....
Well, if you re-read your OP, it sounds like you got involved sexually at a time that felt "too soon" for you. That's one way to avoid this type of thing, is to wait until you know the person better before moving the dating to the next level. If he's not ok with your wanting to take it slowly, you walk.
And maybe he didn't understand that you were ok with having a FWB? He may have thought that your asking him if that's what he wanted was more of an accusation than a suggestion to switch gears in the relationship.
And next time, if some gift-giving occasion comes up, be clear that gifts should be of a modest nature if you feel like the relationship or dateship hasn't advanced sufficiently to allow for pricier gifts.
Yes, I was thinking that the Christmas gift was a show that he was getting into me and maybe annoyed that I didn't match the depth. I tried to apologize and explain. He brushed it off as nothing much... but I really felt bad. In fact, we never went out after Christmas except once for lunch and movie. It was as if someone flip a switch.
I did do other things to show my care and concern . And had planned to give the gift I wanted to give at Christmas for Valentines day... we did not make it to valentines day.
Some friends are saying to back off and maybe he will relax and reconnect. I am thinking that it is hopeless. I know I am making big mistakes because of my inexperience.
I would like to get a second chance at this because I really do like him and admire him for different reasons.
I know to continue to attempt contact is probably alarming and so I am working hard to not do it. I have never had this problem of being ignored. I really don't know how to handle this...
And what did I do wrong??? Don't want to repeat... too much sex too soon, resist liking someone... maintain an air of nonchalance to play head games?
Why is it so wrong for someone you are dating and having sex with to actually LIKE you?? I don't get it...
I wouldn't respect a man very much if he's willing to toss a perfectly good blossoming relationship over something as silly as his spending more on a gift than you did.
Chalk it up to experience and move on. Continue dating but know you'll be meeting a lot of chaff among the stalks of wheat. Go out, have fun, and if a serious relationship is meant to happen, it will happen.
I wouldn't respect a man very much if he's willing to toss a perfectly good blossoming relationship over something as silly as his spending more on a gift than you did.
Chalk it up to experience and move on. Continue dating but know you'll be meeting a lot of chaff among the stalks of wheat. Go out, have fun, and if a serious relationship is meant to happen, it will happen.
Yeah. I think it's obvious that's the reason since OP said he went cold immediately after that. That is just silly I agree.
But then again, I myself was irritated by the OP's almost obsessive text and calling. Then saying she's ok with FWB. I mean WTF. What's more WTF worthy is the guy essentially saying no to sex with her. LOL.
That dude is just odd. Something wrong with that dude.
Sounds like he just wasn't that into you. If he was, he would have texted you right back. Once he started making excuses, you should have quit contacting him. If he wanted to see you again, he would have. Maybe he met someone else. At any rate, just move on. As you said, you probably started dating sooner than you should have.
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