Hi, new to this forum and look forward to helping as well as advice too....sorry for the long post just wanted to share some thoughts and concerns and hope I have done the right thing even though my heart says otherwise...
I am 39 years old, my ex one year younger. We met back in December 2012. I loved the way he pursued me, however a tad cocky at times but very intense and endearing all the same. We dated quite a few times before becoming quite serious and I took my time to get to know him. He came across very well educated and a real english gent.....which is what I loved about him and his calming manner, very sweet and adorable too.....He had Rosseaca on his face and was very worried about this at times when it flared up, however it never put me off him... he also had diverticulitis which was from his younger years from stress, bad diet, drink, drugs....and anything else he wasnt looking after...... There were a few times, we had arranged a date on a Saturday for him to come to my house (he still lived with his parents) and he would say, sorry I have study to do can I come over tomorrow. He was studying to be a GP and had another 3 years to do before fully qualified so his workload was quite intense. However use to upset me as I was starting to feel he was unpredictable..... Then he would feel bad about this cancellation and would do something nice for me.....but something made me think was he controlling me for some reason or was I just over reacting here? This would happen a few times at the start.
Anyway, 6 months down the line he moved in with me, which was great, he couldnt really do anything else other than study at weekends but we did go out for dinners, have some quite nights in and enjoyed eachothers company, we were very romantic and very sweet together. Our sex life wasnt what I would call amazing, (I was use to the whole honeymoon thing at the beginning) but with him it was ok, I was more like once or twice a week at the start, but didnt put me off him as I felt he was a nice person and romantic, generous etc. I still fancied him but have to admit wasnt my usual sporty type or man's man...quite the opposite really.
Now this is where the problems started, after moving in, things started to change, well not straight away but we would argue once or more a week and I started to feel deflated from this. I wasnt too sure what was wrong but I was told by him that he had depression and his thoughts would spiral and become obsessive. I wasnt too sure how bad his depression was... He had depression for many years, his brother 20 years ago committed suicide and his dad was also on anti depressants, mum drank during this time too.......so this was quite a shock to me to hear as obviously a history of something unbalanced in the family somewhere...... so for example I would go to the gym, he would ask, did you get chatted up, I would mention someone at work, he would ask all sorts of things, only for me to have to explain myself for what seemed like hours and we would argue, I would be drained. I became passive around him after these acqusations and questions..So in the end I had to watch what I said to him or how I said things incase this so called arguement would happen again or he would have a go at me, ask questions, call me names or just say I dont want to go out with someone who does this, who does that...it was very strange indeed. I was left feeling good to then feeling angry/upset and stone walled him for hours or even days, was I now acting weird?? more upset...
There is no issues with my past, no depression or anything like that and have had many long term relationships from 7 years, 4 years and 3 years and no violence or abuse or anything like this.....
Now I would have to be physically away from him at these times, dreading what he would ask next only to feel deflated, put down and critized like I was something under his shoe. I would give as good back as I didnt want to feel like I was completely all over the place emotionally which I did feel like in the end. I didnt know at times how to react, be it passive, quiet, argumentative I tried all tactics. I also noticed our sex life went too, and when I was strong he wasnt able to have sex, its like I was too strong for him....but preferred it when I was quiet or after an arguement and I was helpless even... he would feel that passion and have sex with me, like he needed to be the powerful one.....there was no consistency to this either. The most strangest thing ever....related to sex! I felt I was the man, he was the woman, or maybe just mismatched here?
I wasnt sure what this type of relationship was, but I felt, he likes debates or arguements and at times I was just feeling low. I started to cry alot of the times and felt he had this control/power of me. I wasnt sure, however his sister said I was the controlling one...? how could I be...I wasnt the one asking questions and why was I always the one upset..?? He was always telling her everything and I then was the bad one, thats family I guess they only see the good in their own family.
October 2013, I had to leave him, he had this habit of name calling, from the C word, to *****, to anything that was degrading, instead of just talking things through. I refused to name call, I told him dont do it, its disrespectful. He still did it. I would get alot of sorry's afterwards, he would call days on end, text me and then started to stop as I wanted responding and needed time out on my own to think what was all this about, am I changing too? I did miss him and took this time out to think what was best.
Christmas came and we tried to speak and see if we could get back together. Things were ok, I missed our good times, romance, sweet times, staying in together and cinema, weekends away as we did alot of this and when it was good it was lovely..., what concerned me, was the most strangest remark ever, he tells me over Christmas he was out with friends, partying til 9am the next morning and took MDMA drugs, and smirked whilst telling me. Now he knows I hate drugs of any kind and took great pleasure in telling me this. I felt like I didnt know what to think, was he just winding me up? and he hadnt done this in years, in his twenties he was a DJ and drink, drugs and smoking were a big thing for him back then.
Another 2 months later and arguements were still strong, I was missing affection, sex too as this was completely gone just about now (you must think I am some sex nymph trust me I am not, just never encountered this before, thinking maybe it was the anti depressants surpressing everything?)...and he kept asking me he was surprised I didnt sleep with anyone whilst we were single in those 2 months. I hadnt at all, I needed to clear my head. He has lost trust in the relationship, his family said the same, however mine were saying, if you can sort this out and still love one another, make it work, which I tried to, our family were alot more understanding, his I am not sure of.....blaming me all the time for chucking him out!
I felt rejected, this time more so the second time around. I became and felt clingy and needy, which wasnt like me at all...I almost felt I had changed into this other person who I didnt know I was. So I thought right I am going out to the gym more, seeing friends, working things were good....but again no affection from my partner, I was being nice, suggesting things around weekends, doing different things....but it was this affection and coldness that I couldnt get my head around...it was like he was somewhere else. He came off his anti depressants which he was always on and I started to see changes around him, like unpredictability, aggressive more, thoughts spiralling and for me that was it. I cant rescue him anymore or become this emotional wreck and worried person.....So when he was in the shower I felt I had to look at his mobile (awful I know) and found 2 messages from women, he was starting to have conversations with, but wasnt sure how long this was going on for... and they were asking him things I didnt even know about him. he had been smoking whilst we had broken up....he told them he was moving into his new flat (renting) on his own in a few weeks time...(i was meant to be moving in with him then) and like he was hiding something which he was. I just knew something was strange. This was valentines night, he bought me a lovely necklace however told me I didnt deserve it and forgot to cook for me that night as he wanted to, I also bought him a lovely presant, card, aftershave and I thought we were getting on well. That night, again no closeness and he mentioned I would be better off with a 9-5 man who adores me when i get home from work everynight and that being with a doctor for me would be too stressful, did I know that? Weird comment to make.
When I confronted him re the texts and lack of affection again, he shows me the phone and deletes the two messages... well I was called every name under the sun again, from ***** to C and off he goes again. I tell him its interesting that he contacts these girls when I wanted time alone from him and want to also try and get close.... where he calls it PMT month I say its more I want to be alone time...this is where he needs attention and craves it from others?
I get quite a lot of attention from men but I dont flaunt it or say anything because I know what he is like and keep everything quiet, but lately I feel my confidence, my self esteem has hit rock bottom. SO I decided this time to leave him for good. My dad has just been in hospital and myself and mum are making sure he is ok, mum is doing a great job and its making us feel quite sorry for him, my parents are lovely souls and when telling them this last part, my dad was saying "do you really want a disrespectful man like this in your life?!
So I think ok your life is good without him, work is good, have my own place which is just sold and buying another one on my own, friends lovely, family good, health good so you dont need this get out of it. I block watsapp so he cant see me online to which he realises this after sending me 30 messages saying he still loves me, he is sorry and he didnt do anything wrong, can we please talk...I havent replied since. He misses me, asks to give him another chance, he then says he has the neurovirus (dont ask) whilst all this is going on, (only to get my attention) more likely a bug or stress....he says now that he is moved into his flat he is less stresssed and things are better now....he was forever saying this, no matter what the situation was...even in the past...."things will get better!"
Then messages to my iphone come in, calls twice a day in the last week and I refuse to pick up. I feel numb. He calls me whilst I am in my car as I didnt realise it was him when picking it up on bluetooth and he wishes me a happy birthday even though its tomorrow asks about my dad and then says he will text me later as at a garage, to which I say why? I mention for him to leave me alone (which trust me I really want him to) and that he has disrespected me and calls me names, no guy should call his partner, i felt he doesnt really want me and he says well our relationship was up and down hence me calling you those names, I hated the arguements....and then says you are most probably shagging someone else by now knowing you!! and he slams the phone down.
Clearly not getting his own way I block his mobile and hope he wont be contacting me again or just turning up at the house. I feel completely upset and angry...fuming!!
He has an operation next week for his diverticulitis and is in for 2 months off work too and I feel bad for him being in there but after all this, no way I cant go back. I was going to send him a card from the family, mums suggestion too but feel this isnt a good idea and he deserves to be left alone as I cant handle him anymore. I know give him a few months when he is out, he will be partying with friends, drugs no doubt at some point and doing something that will make me feel uneasy....I cant take that risk anymore....He never partied when we were together, or saw his friends, that was his choice but when he does, thats what happens clearly....he has this edge/addictive behaviour that I am not sure which way it goes. My hairdresser who does his hair for him made a comment that he was being quite sleazy with her and she felt slightly uneasy with it whilst we were going out.....this doesnt surprise me now.
He is a doctor, just about to qualify as a GP, he isnt anything like my doctors who are qualified that I know of....its been quite an experience and still suffering when I am at home of feeling alone, not sure if I miss him or just feel low combination of the two...was it my fault, was it his?? i dont know what to think anymore...
thank you for reading....sorry its been a weird journey with this one and wish i could just let go and move on with everything, everyday its easier .....
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