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I only read some of the thread but I've stated my opinion on this many times. I am not friends with my exes and I refuse to be. Some could call this immature but what it boils down to is that I had bad breakups with them. They talked trash about me after the fact, etc. I was not interested in being friends with that type of person after a while. But at first I tried. Due to their actions, both attempts failed.
I do not see an inherent issue in people being friends with their exes in the general sense. The problem is the definition of a "friend." I wouldn't, and haven't gone crazy on my boyfriend for having his exes as friends on Facebook. I probably wouldn't see an issue with a brief text conversation either - in fact, if the relationship didn't end totally poorly then I see that interaction as likely.
But would I be cool with my boyfriend telling an ex about our relationship or about me? Would I be cool with him hanging out with her alone? In a group - maybe but alone? No. For me there's a line there that can't be crossed. Hoopla's rule is that he doesn't want his girlfriends interacting with exes and he doesn't interact with his own. This isn't really a controlling issue so much as it is a preference. It's like saying you don't want to date someone overweight, which is also a contentious subject. Honestly, there's little you can do to convince someone they should date someone overweight if they don't want to.
Same goes with the ex issue. Others on this forum think it's great to be very close with your exes. That's nice if you are, but that rules you out of my personal dating pool, and no I wouldn't expect anyone to cry about it. It's a preference.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by savoytruffle
I only read some of the thread but I've stated my opinion on this many times. I am not friends with my exes and I refuse to be. Some could call this immature but what it boils down to is that I had bad breakups with them. They talked trash about me after the fact, etc. I was not interested in being friends with that type of person after a while. But at first I tried. Due to their actions, both attempts failed.
This makes sense, but I've rarely had this type of breakup, and haven't had one like this since my late 20s. Don't you just ever have normal break ups where you decide after dating awhile that you're just not a good match and you both decide to stop dating and move on? As in, have a non bad break up?
Here's my 2 cents. It's better to judge each situation based on it's own merits than make a ruling across the board. Like I've said - my ex high school/ college sweet heart and I are still close friends. We've been friends since we were 12 and we are like family. There is absolutely no chance of us ever "slipping up" or anything because there is zero attraction on both of our ends. Anyone who has seen us together can see that we are really just friends. Our SO's are all totally fine with the situation and there has never been a problem. Do some people get back with an ex? Sure. Some people also cheat with total strangers. It's better to judge each situation on it's own than thinking that a person who is friends with an ex is bad while a person who is not friends with any exes is safe.
Great post, Dew! And you really can't go through life not trusting your partner and thinking every person they talk to is an opportunity to cheat. It's no way to live.
This makes sense, but I've rarely had this type of breakup, and haven't had one like this since my late 20s. Don't you just ever have normal break ups where you decide after dating awhile that you're just not a good match and you both decide to stop dating and move on? As in, have a non bad break up?
Do you mean me personally? I am 22 and I have only two exes. Both relationships lasted a year and then 8 months, respectively. I have been in a relationship now for almost 3 years. So no, I have never had a non-bad breakup.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by savoytruffle
Do you mean me personally? I am 22 and I have only two exes. Both relationships lasted a year and then 8 months, respectively. I have been in a relationship now for almost 3 years. So no, I have never had a non-bad breakup.
Yes, ok, that makes sense. I think things (well for me they were) are more tumultuous when people are younger, relationship wise.
Great post, Dew! And you really can't go through life not trusting your partner and thinking every person they talk to is an opportunity to cheat. It's no way to live.
Agree with this. All you'll get out of this is a bunch of broken relationships in your wake. People can feel when they're not trusted, and it's not appreciated.
This makes sense, but I've rarely had this type of breakup, and haven't had one like this since my late 20s. Don't you just ever have normal break ups where you decide after dating awhile that you're just not a good match and you both decide to stop dating and move on? As in, have a non bad break up?
Absolutely. I've only had one pseudo bad breakup, but one thing has always remained the same, we weren't really friends afterwards. Acquaintances but very far from what I would call a friend. I dated pretty good women that could always get in another relationship. Once that happened, they were more interested in getting to known their new guy, than to keep contact with an old flame. I'd love to be friends with them, but it's something I've never had the option to do. I've always loved the idea, but it's never worked when putting them into action.
For me, in my relationships, unless this ex is one my partner had a child(ren) with, it can lead to too much drama and is best to avoid such situations.
I don't care what others do for them/their relationships, and I understand that the situation varies greatly. I just know what I am/am not comfortable with.
I feel the same way too. I do not like dealing with drama.
No, I am with you OP. Nothing to do with maturity. Why accept a situation that is an open door for problems? Even Dr. Laura agrees. It is easy to have sex with someone you've had sex with before. Has to do with respect for your partner and their wants. Also has to do with the character of the people involved. Some people cannot be trusted. Why would you want to be "friends" with them? Other people are decent with nothing to hide and in some cases, if there are children involved, there will have to be some acquaintanceship or something there. Respect and the character of the people involved. If everyone is happily coupled with someone else and the 4 people can sit together respectfully , ok, be "friends" with an ex. But this is rarely the case and is best avoided. So many other people to be friends with.
I feel the same way too.
The past is the past. That is where it belongs.
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