Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Almost every post sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you are sincerely happy for her yet that in itself makes it appear that you are not.
Somewhere along the line someone has been leading someone on and giving them hope that things will change.
It is a shame that she is settling for the other guy and he doesn't even know it.
Neither of you can be true to yourselves so I don't understand how you believe that you can be true to someone else.
Well, I hope you and your fear of commitment will be happy through the years. It can't cook, clean, go on vacations, give you a hug, or be there when you need to vent.
But everyone is different, and that is your thing. Rock it.
I could say I can commit or that I can love someone else but I would only be fooling myself, don't you think?
She sounds so dumb. Her marriage won't last because she doesn't love him.
It sounds like she's only getting married because it's the logical "next step" to dating. She's doing it for all the wrong reasons. I really feel bad for her soon to be husband.
Neither of you sounds like a walk in the park. She's deceiving her future husband and making a likely disastrous decision. And she's only 29. She has plenty of time to have kids. She just sounds like she's just scared of being alone.
Meanwhile, you're sitting there all "well I can't commit" like you're some kind of dramatic figure in a novel. Give it a rest - it's all just a little too precious. Face it: She's been your excuse and your crutch as you run from emotional intimacy. Now you've got a new tragic story to feed the next woman: How the love of your life married another and you exiled yourself from her life because you're so noble. Some dumb chick's gonna eat that right out of your hand.
BARF.
Hey, not everyone wants a committed long-term relationship - I get that. I'm kind of that way myself. But to act like you've had this great tragic love for decades is just silly. You don't love her enough to commit to her but you love how she makes you feel, and she's been chasing after you hoping you'd change. That's not love. That's dysfunction on the hoof. Stop romanticizing it.
I had a "great love" as it were - a guy who came into my life and was instrumental in me turning a major corner in my life. We went through a great deal of drama together that involved dragging me out of the worst depression I've ever been in and then helping him reunite with his son. But ya know what? It's just a good story anymore, and I'm not using it as some sort of excuse. We ended it because we weren't after the same things and didn't have the same values - we weren't good for each other long term, and we recognized that. We don't talk. We have good feelings for each other, but we're not trying to hang onto some great story that has run its course. Truth be told, he's kind of an ******* and very dysfunctional - but he was always good to me, and he was there for me when I needed him the most. That's great for when you're turning a point in your life, but doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship.
I had the perfect-for-that-moment relationship fall into my lap at a time when I was teetering on the edge of something really awful. And don't kid yourself - it was also the perfect-for-that-moment relationship for him. Yes, it's the standard by which I have judged all my relationships since because for something to be lasting, it's going to have to be BETTER than that defining relationship. But I can honestly tell you I'm not sitting here pondering what "might have been" - because the answer would be a definitive "nothing good."
The two of you have been beating this dead horse for way too long, and it's kept you from growing as people. Definitely cut things off, but don't do it thinking it's because you're such a noble person and use it to show people how noble you are going forward. Cut things off because you're both stunting each other and it's time to grow up and put on the big-kid underwear. If you're gonna go forward without committing to anyone, then own it. Don't do it with some chick waiting in the wings providing you with an emotional crutch because you're letting her think she's your great love. If she was all that great, you'd be willing to commit. And if you were all that noble, you'd have walked away a long time ago.
Dude, get over yourself and start living authentically.
"She's getting married next month and we arranged a coffee meeting a few days ago. We're speaking and suddenly she tells me she would cancel the wedding if I told her I wanted to stay with her. I told her she was insane, she has dated the guy for years and I couldn't promise her something I could never give: commitment"
Very similar situation here (except she wasn't getting married) with an old girlfriend who was seeing a very disfunctional man. After 'split ups' and get 'make ups', during one of her breaks from him she said "If you are willing to get back together with me I will not get back together with him". I told her "Thats your call on whether or not you break up with him, but I'm not going to be part of it".
That's why I won't be with anyone else, I would only be fooling myself.
Still, I commend her for moving on with her life instead of pointlessly waiting for me to change. Besides, she has always wanted to have children. The guy is great and will only do her good.
I have seen many women and some men do this. By the time you are in your 30s a man that is willing to commit and have children becomes much more desirable. He is probably not the man that you fell in love with, but you can grow to love. Unfortunately this runs contrary to the 'I must marry the love of my life model'. This runs closer to the 'I will fall in love with a doctor model'. Women and some men have been making this compromise since the beginning of time: "You will adjust to the best options you have available"
I could say I can commit or that I can love someone else but I would only be fooling myself, don't you think?
I'm saying do what's right for you, not to lie to yourself or anyone else.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
She sounds so dumb. Her marriage won't last because she doesn't love him.
It sounds like she's only getting married because it's the logical "next step" to dating. She's doing it for all the wrong reasons. I really feel bad for her soon to be husband.
Actually, I believe it will last. There's no super romantic expectations. Therefore they are better prepared to survive the first signs of troubles.
OP, I'm confused about what you're asking and I agree with those that say you sound like you're trying to convince yourself of something or that there's a part of you that does want to cause drama. If you were really that clear on how you feel, you wouldn't be this unclear on how to act.
You love her but can't commit to her and feel she deserves someone who can and you believe this guy would be great for her and that she should move on with her life and be happy in spite of her feelings for you and lack of the same feelings for him. And you suspect that she'd be better off without you hanging around knowing you'd potentially damage that happiness in some way by either of you giving in to your desire for one another.
Okay, so there's your answer, which you already started with: stay away. Flip it, slap it, box it up and wrap it, done - yet you're not done. You're still asking, still wondering what you should do. Why? Clearly, there's some aspect of the situation or your feelings or hers or all three that you're not as certain of as you let on in your replies.
Let's start with the wedding. What do you think would be different if you went and cut off ties afterward compared to not going and just cutting off ties now? That is to say, which do you think would be best if your interest truly is in removing yourself from the equation so that she can be happy? I'm not suggesting there's a right or wrong answer to that, just that the answer to that matters.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
