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I do not understand why a person would be in a relationship if they can't respect the relationship or the other person. The other person in the relationship has invested his/her time and feelings - and trust.
I'm also confused as to why a person would start or stay in a relationship that has no meaning.
I don't really see 'you don't own me' as a defense mechanism or selfish instead to me it's a rationalization made because the other person is selfish. Though in my opinion it's an unnecessary one as to me unless it's cheating in a monogamous relationship I don't see much reason to reason/explain/excuse hanging out with another person. Being in relationship doesn't seem to stop most, especially guys, from sexually fantasizing about others or be attracted to others so I'm not seeing much rationale in creating boundaries/rules on going out with others.
Ok, let me start by mentioning I've lurked on this board, and have seen this as a "defense mechanism" in posts several times. Oftentimes it's used because the person it is targeted as is deemed as too clingy for one reason or another. For example, going on trips with someone other than your significant other. While a person may be needy in some cases, in other cases, there's legitimate reason why a someone would have a problem with a significant other going out with a particular person, if there are indications they're more than friends. Yet this defense anyway, as if the offended person's feelings don't matter and aren't a consideration.
Herein lies the problem. Why would one jump to this defense so quickly? That one can do what they want, whenever, and whatever reason and tough if the significant other don't like it? It's not always about neediness and insecurity. The other person may not want to "own" their significant other, but feel such a response/reaction from the significant other makes them feel of little importance, or not needed, especially if overused. (And in that case, it would make one would seem better off without a significant other altogether.) No one wants to de dictated, but does one not realize how selfish this defense can come across?
This is currently the main 'problem' in my marriage. My husband always go golfing with his friends - they're all males though. This last one though, I was relieved to hear he didn't have fun and said he think he is done with golf. And I let him know how happy I was. LOL.
Then his last 'tantrum' was he told me he is gonna sell all his outdoor gears - golf, fishing, skiing, kayak - since I won't let him go anyway. So I said OK.
It was his idea to sell it so I just said OK. Well later in the night, he took off his ring and say I just confirmed his fear that I really won't let him do any of his hobbies anymore. And he always say how it's how it was on his first marriage. I was like.... WTF!!!
I told him time and time again. My only request is that he spends his time with me while I still don't have work but once I start working, he can do whatever he wants! He does not believe me. So I really believe it's his problem not mine.
In a relationship, you either choose to wear the pants or you don't. If you don't wear the pants, you won't get any respect.
Some men can deal with being the female in the relationship.
This seems to suggest that gyare supposed to be the ones wearing the pants in a relationship and that being the female aka the one not wearing the pants is a position of disrespect. So it appears in hetero relationship gals don't get any respect in a relationship if she isn't wearing the pants in the relationship.
She's not wearing the pants and your notion was: 'In a relationship, you either choose to wear the pants or you don't. If you don't wear the pants, you won't get any respect.'
This is currently the main 'problem' in my marriage. My husband always go golfing with his friends - they're all males though. This last one though, I was relieved to hear he didn't have fun and said he think he is done with golf. And I let him know how happy I was. LOL.
Then his last 'tantrum' was he told me he is gonna sell all his outdoor gears - golf, fishing, skiing, kayak - since I won't let him go anyway. So I said OK.
It was his idea to sell it so I just said OK. Well later in the night, he took off his ring and say I just confirmed his fear that I really won't let him do any of his hobbies anymore. And he always say how it's how it was on his first marriage. I was like.... WTF!!!
I told him time and time again. My only request is that he spends his time with me while I still don't have work but once I start working, he can do whatever he wants! He does not believe me. So I really believe it's his problem not mine.
Is this just venting, or would you listen to comments on this?
True, but that doesn't mean it has to work the other way around. In fact, as a man, if you don't show respect, you likely won't get respect. You might get loyalty, but typically those relationships are built entirely upon coercion. I don't think that's healthy.
As for that doesn't mean it has to work the other way that seems a slippery slope of self-justification such as you wanting to the one wearing the pants so you claim to your partner it's only bad when you don't wear the pants that it's not bad when they don't wear the pants. Or perhaps a case of skewed rationalization ala 'it's disrespectful/shameful for me to do this but not for you to do this'.
Once someone starts doing what they want, with no regards to their partners feelings, at that moment they are no longer respecting their partner. You're not always going to agree, but someone who even only has an ounce of sense is only going to take being walked over for so long.
I know for a fact that I would be a little uneasy with my GF going out of town with a guy I didn't know. If my GF was that comfortable with me going out of town with a woman, I'd be concerned as to why she's so comfortable. A lot of it is if you fight with fire, you're going to get burned. Don't put yourself in situations that can cause friction within your relationship. If two partners truly don't care if the other person hangs out often with the opposite sex, than so be it. The reality is, I've met many women that aren't comfortable with their man going out with other women they feel slightly threatened by. In the end, you're their boyfriend and you have to put their feelings over yours at times. Women do the same thing for us men as well.
Last edited by weezerfan84; 07-11-2014 at 11:20 AM..
Can't say I have ever experienced this in my life outside of early adulthood relationships when relationships where much more reactionary and emotional.
If someone I was with came to me screaming
"You don't own me!"
I would answer
"That's right, I also don't make choices for you"
And leave it at that.
Things would have to be pretty screwed up to get to the point where someone feels suffocated enough to feel controlled...
In a relationship, you either choose to wear the pants or you don't. If you don't wear the pants, you won't get any respect.
Some men can deal with being the female in the relationship.
If you choose this lifestyle and you refuse to be the man in the relationship, don't be surprised when your female disrespects you.
Personally, I think it's disrespectful for another man to call another man's female. It's even worse for a female to reciprocate that behavior by continuing discussions with that man.
Men and women have different levels of testosterone. That's one of the reasons why it can be an everyday struggle for a man not to stray.
That's natural. That's the way nature intends things to be.
That's why you have to have a spiritual relationship, in my case God, and an emotional relationship with your female. But you also have to be bounded by the type of morality you would expect your father to have with your mother, if you're lucky enough to experience both in your life.
When your female starts to stray it's because she doesn't respect you. She thinks you're weak. Women, may not admit this, but they want you to be strong. They want you to be in control.
Most of the time anyway. There are some that don't abide by those rules, and they may never find happiness because it is contrary to nature.
There is so much wrong with this, I don't even know where to start.
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