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There are studies on OLD that do confirm that too many choices makes it difficult for most people to decide. That's why eHarmony works the way it does. However, I prefer to have a large universe of choices that *I* can filter they way I want, and make my own choices - which is why I never liked eHarmony. I don't have the problem of indecisiveness, when I can use my own criteria effectively.
The problem is that you keep on filtering and never ever decide on anyone. It is very easy to dismiss a prospect, even if they are quite a decent match, why? because hey there are a 1000 more so why not? Perhaps if this prospect is 84% match then maybe, just maybe 86% is going to show up, then maybe 90%, then 92%...as close to my perfect list as possible.
Of course, I don't think this way but I bet most people who are halfway decent looking and have the matches coming in do. The issue is age. You are constantly aging and that means your ability to attract mates diminishes. This is especially true for women where men supremely value youth.
The problem is that you keep on filtering and never ever decide on anyone. It is very easy to dismiss a prospect, even if they are quite a decent match, why? because hey there are a 1000 more so why not? Perhaps if this prospect is 84% match then maybe, just maybe 86% is going to show up, then maybe 90%, then 92%...as close to my perfect list as possible.
Of course, I don't think this way but I bet most people who are halfway decent looking and have the matches coming in do. The issue is age. You are constantly aging and that means your ability to attract mates diminishes. This is especially true for women where men supremely value youth.
No, it doesn't work that way for me. Besides, those matching percentages are mostly worthless on the sites that use them - a 90 isn't necessarily better than a 60, but both may be better than a 30. I go by basic physical attraction (there's a good range that I find attractive, but poor or no pictures and I'd skip to the next profile) within my age parameters (-10 to +5 years) and then look into the important compatibility issues (some of the most basic are usually in a profile), emailing to find out more if necessary. A great many get ruled out quickly, and only a small number pass (but more will keep joining and become candidates), and I'd try to meet those to see if there was chemistry in person. With most there wasn't, but there were enough to find some great dates. There were never so many great potential matches around at any one time that it was possible to keep looking for a "better" match and make it reasonable to pass up current matches. The goal is to find someone who is a great match - there is no perfect match, so there's no point in continuing to endlessly look for what doesn't exist. On the other hand, I was quick to move on if there were any incompatibilities.
Using my approach over the course of a year, I met about 50 women, dated about 10 at least briefly, and a few longer. Aging isn't much of an issue over the year or so it usually takes to find someone. Within a year, I'd met the love of my life whom I eventually married.
Do you feel that the plethora of options just leads to indecisiveness? I was watching a documentary recently about Costco and how they use human psychology. What they found is that IF you give people more than 3 choices of brands they are significantly less likely to make a purchase decision and put it off until later. Which is why Costco deliberately does not carry much choice in terms of brands...it's either brand A, B or C and more often just A or B.
Drawing the same conclusion for dating these days... the nature of OLD and the infinite amount of choice and possibilities makes people very indecisive and unrealistically picky.
I have periods where I have no matches at all.. I contacted 10 people and 0 responded - in this time I feel that if I only had a match contact me I would be more focused to give my undivided attention to that single person who would come my way but somehow it never seems to transpire that way. I contact 10 more people and 6 respond. Now what exactly do I do? Communicate with all 6? Well now that I have 6 my requirements perhaps subconsciously become more stringent and in the process between they losing interest and me losing interest all of them are somehow gone!
I have noticed too that I keep seeing the same women on the sites for months on end... most of them seem to be perpetual daters! Too much choice?
So the question is... is the OLD format of juggling multiple prospects in parallel doomed to a high failure rate vs the conventional method of focusing of one person at a time?
There may be a plethora of options, but (and I can only speak for myself), there is not a plethora of good ones. It took a LOT of weeding and tweaking my profile to attract more quality men. A lot of people don't have that kind of patience. I think that's why a lot of people give up.
Do you feel that the plethora of options just leads to indecisiveness? I was watching a documentary recently about Costco and how they use human psychology. What they found is that IF you give people more than 3 choices of brands they are significantly less likely to make a purchase decision and put it off until later. Which is why Costco deliberately does not carry much choice in terms of brands...it's either brand A, B or C and more often just A or B.
Drawing the same conclusion for dating these days... the nature of OLD and the infinite amount of choice and possibilities makes people very indecisive and unrealistically picky.
I have periods where I have no matches at all.. I contacted 10 people and 0 responded - in this time I feel that if I only had a match contact me I would be more focused to give my undivided attention to that single person who would come my way but somehow it never seems to transpire that way. I contact 10 more people and 6 respond. Now what exactly do I do? Communicate with all 6? Well now that I have 6 my requirements perhaps subconsciously become more stringent and in the process between they losing interest and me losing interest all of them are somehow gone!
I have noticed too that I keep seeing the same women on the sites for months on end... most of them seem to be perpetual daters! Too much choice?
So the question is... is the OLD format of juggling multiple prospects in parallel doomed to a high failure rate vs the conventional method of focusing of one person at a time?
IDK.. both can be a case of failure. Even when you're not looking and that person shows up, it could be a failure.
Only way for success is to get lucky if you find someone you are very compatible with and hit it off right off the bat. Then, all other prospects fade into the background.
Luck, timing, the tidal waves shifting from the moon, and the stars in the galaxy all aligning in unison in that very perfect moment?
Too much choice implies there is always a better option out there waiting for you so why put up with Mr Average who is nice to you? Mr Exciting awaits!
I do still go for guys more similiar to me though, but then I dated for years before the neverending buffet arrived.
I think people have it backwards. It isn't that OLD causes people to think they have more options. It's that they think there are more options and OLD simply makes it easier to see what those options are. You described it as a buffet. Does a buffet at a restaurant make you realize there are lots of foods to choose from? No, you knew that already. The buffet just made it easier to see all those options in one place. OLD is the same way. It attracts people who believe or want to believe they have lots of options. There are people who never satisfied. They're constantly on the lookout for the next best thing. And it isn't just in dating. It's also true when it comes to jobs, houses, cars, etc. It comes down to the person. If they're always telling themselves they can do better, then they're always going to be looking. OLD didn't cause this type of thinking. It was already there.
Search your heart, mind and soul to find out what is really important to you. Make sure your dating profile isn't too wordy. Be very direct and concise. You might say you don't want to play games, you do want to be with genuine people... You are cautious because you have been burned, but learned a lot and are still open to a good hearted person, etc. If that is important to you. That would be my dating profile. You have to create your own according to what is really vital in your mind about another person. You don't want to waste time with the wrong people.
By stating your boundaries you can cut out the undesirables.
You do it by saying, "This is me. This is what I like. This is what I expect, and this is what I will give."
Online dating is a reflection of the demographic realities of one's locale. Presumably in NYC there are thousands of young professionals who like urban amenities and have a particular religious view, so the choice comes down to appearance and catchy statements in their profiles. In rural Mississippi the number of such candidates drops nearly to zero. So a person searching for potential dates meeting such description would have poverty-of-riches in NYC, but would struggle to find anyone compatible in Mississippi. The Mississippi dater would need to broaden her/his criteria, facing the dilemma of what's a sufficiently good approximation. If there are no good approximations, the temptation is to keep moving from person to person, searching for the least unsuitable. The NYC dater would also presumably be moving from person to person, in the belief that an even better match is possible, even if a good one has been found.
So I agree with the OP, but for reasoning that's dependent on one's locale.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
It isn't that OLD causes people to think they have more options. It's that they think there are more options and OLD simply makes it easier to see what those options are. You described it as a buffet. Does a buffet at a restaurant make you realize there are lots of foods to choose from? No, you knew that already. The buffet just made it easier to see all those options in one place. OLD is the same way. It attracts people who believe or want to believe they have lots of options. There are people who never satisfied. They're constantly on the lookout for the next best thing. And it isn't just in dating. It's also true when it comes to jobs, houses, cars, etc. It comes down to the person. If they're always telling themselves they can do better, then they're always going to be looking. OLD didn't cause this type of thinking. It was already there.
Most buffets I've been to make you pay at the door. So if the food looks unappealing, you'll still eat it. But most dating sites allow you to browse for free. If you don't like what you see, you can log off. That's why I don't buy this idea that online dating causes people to become picky. At a restaurant, I've committed to eating something, even if all the choices aren't that great. But with OLD, you've made no such commitment.
I'm not indecisive at all. If I come across a profile that seems like a fit, I fire off an introductory massage immediately. If a convo ensues (which it pretty much never does), I propose to grab coffee or a drink fairly promptly. I'm in it to date, and no other reason.
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