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I understand the concept of love, but when it comes to being in love, it gets a little fuzzy for me.
I notice a lot of married people saying they chose to love their spouses being that love is a choice, an action, not a feeling, although feelings can arise when loving a significant other.
Does being in love simply mean seeing yourself with someone for the rest of your life and nothing more or is it deeper than that?
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It is a feeling, and in general, you know it when you feel it.
Infatuation can be confused for being in love, so that part can be tricky early on.
And loving someone, and being in love with them, are different. I love my brother and mother, I love my friends, I'm not "in love" with them. It is a different feeling.
The "love is an action" concept has some merit, but more in the concept of unhealthy relationships, really. I explored this concept a fair amount when studying to be a CADC counselor (I never did finish that path). There are lots of enablers, abusers, abusees, co-dependent, etc relationships out there and people say "but I love him" or "I'm in love with her" and the concept challenges people to look at the actions involved. "He hit you. Does someone that loves you hit you? Look at his actions." etc... that is an extreme example, of course, but you can get the meaning.
Though, I think that "love is an action" is a good thing to keep in mind in all relationships. Emotions occur. Words are said. What I do is how they are communicated to my partner. If there is a disconnect between the words, the emotions, and the actions, then there are issues in the relationship.
I understand the concept of love, but when it comes to being in love, it gets a little fuzzy for me.
I notice a lot of married people saying they chose to love their spouses being that love is a choice, an action, not a feeling, although feelings can arise when loving a significant other.
Does being in love simply mean seeing yourself with someone for the rest of your life and nothing more or is it deeper than that?
You are not going to get a clear cut answer for this.
Many people have different definitions of love. Some will say it's caring for someone more than you care for yourself, others will say love is giving second chances to someone who hurt you terribly, etc, etc.
It's just one of those things you have to experience on your own.
Just my opinion - but when people talk about love being an action and choosing to love someone - I don't think they are saying what you seem to be getting from it. Personally, I don't believe that you can choose who you fall in love with - but I think you can choose to nurture or not nurture those feelings. If you fall in love with someone and you choose to spend your life with them, you would nurture that love. You might look at it like you are choosing to love that person everyday - but I think what it means more is that you are choosing to nurture your love everyday. You are making sure that you aren't taking them for granted. You are checking in with them and seeing if they are happy. You are expressing your love. But the "in love" part is already there. If you fall in love with someone who is toxic - you would hopefully choose to not nurture those feelings. You would let them go and move on.
I understand the concept of love, but when it comes to being in love, it gets a little fuzzy for me.
I notice a lot of married people saying they chose to love their spouses being that love is a choice, an action, not a feeling, although feelings can arise when loving a significant other.
Does being in love simply mean seeing yourself with someone for the rest of your life and nothing more or is it deeper than that?
It is something deeper, a lot deeper.
While we can, and should, love many people in our lives (parents, siblings, best friends, etc) your partner or spouse is usually the only person you are "in love" with.
Being "in love" usually just means that two people have an extremely intimate emotional intensity to their relationship, a form of wholeness that each contribute to equally, that other love relationships don't have.
The times when you are not feeling the in love feeling with the person you know you love is when you actively choose to "love them anyway".
I think you can characterize love as wanting to share yourself with another person and, when following through with it in your actions, you find this rewarding. Then there are words, like respect, obligation, commitment, etc. that convey other feelings and actions.
"In love" doesn't really mean what people think it does. What it really means is "In lust" because it's that feeling people get in the beginning stages of a relationship also known as the "honeymoon period" where you're all hot and bothered for each other, have sex all the time, etc...
Over time, anywhere from a few months to a couple years it starts to fade which is perfectly normal, in fact those "in love" feelings are actually triggered by hormones released by the body when people are attracted to each other. After some time those hormone levels die and the relationship takes on a different phase: companionship, stability, comfort and familiarity. Hot sweaty sex? Not so much Not to say you become celibate, but the sex and can't keep hands off isn't as strong as it was at the start. As Mike told Gloria in All in the Family
Quote:
Gloria "We used to be such animals!" Mike "We still are animals-we're just a little housebroken is all."
Obviously they still have sex, it just calmed down over the years. That happens in real life as well.
People are so caught up in that "in love" feeling that as soon as it dies down they think they don't love that person anymore.
There's a book called "A Woman's Guide to Adultery." I think it was a book. But I saw the movie, because Sean Bean was in it lol. His character was cheating on his wife, with the main female-Rose.. And something he would say is, he loves his wife, but isn't in love with his wife. So, seems the passion and spark died down some, and he rekindled it with Rose. But in the end, he stuck by his wife, and Rose got the shaft. he didn't love her like he did his wife.
For me, I never felt love. And any crushes I had were definitely not reciprocated. So, given my lack of being able to attract men I would like, I tend to develop infatuations with guys in shows/movies/books, etc. Infatuation is like a crush, but much more obsessive, and people often confuse it for love, given the strong feelings of desire and attraction.
But since I felt it many times, for many different men, I can spot infatuation. So, I know when I am infatuated, and do not confuse it for love.
Examples
A crush I had. Thought he was cute. Talked to my mother about him, and wanted him to ask me out. But I didn't think about him when I wasn't in class with him. He ended up with another girlfriend, which I was jealous about. But I got over him, and now don't care where he is, or what or whom he's doing.
Infatuation, a guy I like now. Who's on tv, and in a book series I read. I have pics of him on my wall, I think about him almost constantly, I am sexually attracted to him, he's all I like to talk about, I like to chat with other girls who also like him, I have his pictures in my phone, which I look at before going to sleep. And I had some dreams with him in them-but not as often as i'd like . .Given the time and energy I invest in him, and frequent + sexual thoughts I have of him, it's past just having a crush. It's obsessive. And I can't love him, because he's in a series I follow. So, I am never going to get him, and never had him.
But these things are temporary. I have felt this for other guys, and got over them all. I'll get over this one too-eventually.
That's the thing. Crushes and Infatuation is temporary. They can evolve into love, or they wear off and you are no longer interested-just bored with the person, or someone new came along and bam, those feelings went to them. That's usually how mine end-I start to like another, whom I feel is better.
Love is about companionship. Not just sex, butterflies and passion and attraction.
It's about bad things too. How do you handle the bad times in the relationship? Will you fight, or run. If your partner had or developed a serious problem, would you try to help them, or would you leave because it's too much trouble?
What people don't get is true love is work. it's not a fairy tale. And if you love someone, you're willing to face all the bad parts because you love them, you want to be with them, and be there for them. You want to help them if they have issues, or could be harming themselves. And you want them with, and to do the same, for you.
It's sad, but reality isn't like the fairy tales and romance novels.
To wonder if you love someone, ask these questions
1 Would I die for them, or risk yourself for them?
2. Do you want a family with them?
3. Could you marry them?
4. If they're hot, lets say they lose their looks over time. Are you still going to want them?
If you answer "yeah" to all those after thinking about it, then it may be love. But you have to really know and think on it. Don't just jump the gun and automatically say yeah. Really know all of these, and think about what they mean and require. The person's personality has to factor in here. Do you care about them as a person. Not answer based on looks, and/or sex.
So, I say you can't "love" someone you don't know, or haven't gone out with. So, I also don't believe in love at first sight. I think you can lust at first sight. You don't have to know someone to find them attractive. But I believe you should know them-flaws and all- before saying you love them.
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. .Given the time and energy I invest in him, and frequent + sexual thoughts I have of him, it's past just having a crush. It's obsessive. And I can't love him, because he's in a series I follow. So, I am never going to get him, and never had him. 
