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Location: IN>Germany>ND>OH>TX>CA>Currently NoVa and a Vacation Lake House in PA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DoniDanko
How would you all handle this situation? Need advice...
Not sure what "situation" your talking about, but regardless the child is yours and your responsibility until he/she turns of age. If you're asking about your relationship with your SO only you can decide. What I would suggest you do is get a vasectomy as soon as your able if you're of the opinion you don't want any more children or consider condoms. Getting a vasectomy was the smartest thing I ever did post divorce. Never depend on the other party.
Children always suffer when the father is "coerced" into fatherhood. Effective fatherhood is an intentional act on the part of the man. You can't strong arm a man into being a good dad. You can't just drag him along for the parenthood ride. If a man says he doesn't want to be a dad or he's not ready, believe him! Or you could just spend the next 18 years complaining about how much of a deadbeat his while real emotional and psychological damage is being done to the child.
To the OP all you can do is hold up your end as a father. Try to set up an effective co-parenting relationship with the mother. I'd permanently rule out a romantic relationship with her, but that's just me. Hopefully you two won't need to get courts involved. But if she does continue her manipulative ways you may have to. Whatever you do, do not allow her to dictate the terms of your relationship with your child. If you think the situation will go south be the first get the courts involved. Be proactive. Its the only way you can attempt to level the playing field in family court.
Children always suffer when the father is "coerced" into fatherhood. Effective fatherhood is an intentional act on the part of the man. You can't strong arm a man into being a good dad. You can't just drag him along for the parenthood ride. If a man says he doesn't want to be a dad or he's not ready, believe him! Or you could just spend the next 18 years complaining about how much of a deadbeat his while real emotional and psychological damage is being done to the child.
To the OP all you can do is hold up your end as a father. Try to set up an effective co-parenting relationship with the mother. I'd permanently rule out a romantic relationship with her, but that's just me. Hopefully you two won't need to get courts involved. But if she does continue her manipulative ways you may have to. Whatever you do, do not allow her to dictate the terms of your relationship with your child. If you think the situation will go south be the first get the courts involved. Be proactive. Its the only way you can attempt to level the playing field in family court.
Thank you for being positive and thinking about the future. It was getting a little rough in here with the Justice League blaming the victim.
I didn't have doubt that she was not taking her birth control because she said she was.
Next, you all seem to be infatuated with the the pregnancy. I'm well aware that birth control is not 100%. Nether is a condom, or a vasectomy. The issue is not the fact that she got pregnant. It is the circumstances that surround how she got pregnant, and how to handle it from there on.
I do hear the logic behind what you all are saying. For example,
If your wife, sister, or female friend has sex with her husband or long term boyfriend.
They decide that, and she requires that, he is to use a condom.
She believes he's wearing a condom.
He secretly pulls it off without her knowing.
She catches a STD.
That would be her fault for catching an STD.
-----------------------
You place your money into a bank. You do your due diligence by asking the bank owner if your money is insured and if there are proper security measure in place to which he answers "yes." He lied, the bank gets robbed, and your money is lost. Placing it into a trusted bank that you were lead to believe was secure was not good enough. It was your money and your responsibility to make sure it was secure, so you should have also hired your own personal security to watch over your money as well.
I get it.
I see your point.
It would be this scenario however...
Girl- I don't want an std.
Guy- I want to have sex without a condom.
Girl- I don't want an STD, so you need to wear a condom. We've talked about this over and over.
Guy tricks girl and now girl has a STD.
In that scenario the guy is absolutely in the wrong, but the girl should have used a female condom to make sure she was protected.
OP- your girl is So wrong. Sorry she did that to you. Good luck to you.
The average cost of raising a child is now at $245,000. I'd say that's pretty serious. Not to mention the effort (or at least 50% of it) of raising the child and the health risks associated with the pregnancy (albeit, smaller nowadays, but important if she is an earner for the household).
When has a loss of $245,000 due to dishonesty and deceitfulness not been practically a crime!?
I am curious as to how many children you have raised because that is just horse pucky.
The effort and health risk are not falling on the OP.
. Whatever you do, do not allow her to dictate the terms of your relationship with your child. If you think the situation will go south be the first get the courts involved. Be proactive. Its the only way you can attempt to level the playing field in family court.
If he doesn't want this child why the concern for terms of a relationship with it. She cant force him to parent, want or love it.
Girl- I don't want an STD, so you need to wear a condom. We've talked about this over and over.
Guy tricks girl and now girl has a STD.
In that scenario the guy is absolutely in the wrong, but the girl should have used a female condom to make sure she was protected.
OP- your girl is So wrong. Sorry she did that to you. Good luck to you.
Or if she suspected he had an STD she would insist he be tested and NOT HAVE SEX with him until she knew there was no danger of contracting an STD from him.
My girlfriend and I have one child already, and we've been together for about 5-6 years (on and off a couple of times). I have 2 children from a prior long term relationship. Recently over the past couple of years she has been repeatedly bring up marriage and having more children. Within the last few month, the child debate has come up several times weekly, and I have strongly expressed my opposition to having more children that we both can not afford.
A few hours ago, she tells me that she's pregnant. When I press her on how, he tells me that she stopped taking her birth control, and claims she informed me of this when she stated back in July that she "needed to make an appointment to get more in August." I did ask her if she was still taking it, and she did tell me she needed to get more, but stated she still had some and has been taking it.
Now that I think back, she's been gaining a lot of weight over the past 2-3 months, but she claimed it was because of her diabetes. She wanted a child, but I refused. She wanted a child to the point that we discussed breaking up, so she could move on and have one with someone else. She now tells me she's pregnant, and tries to tell me she did not lie about the birth control. She has a masters degree and is not stupid. I'm not stupid. It makes no logical sense that she would believe that I would have unprotected sex with her knowing that she was off birth control and knowing I didn't want more children. I feel like she planned this, lied about it, and now to add insult on top of injury, is trying to cover up her lie by putting it all on me.
How would you all handle this situation? Need advice...
Run, run for the damned hills.
This was very similar to what my now, ex, did to me. We had a son, when she was very young and I was 23. After several years, and repeated lies about all kinds of things, I stuck with her. She had lied to me about going to school, taking my money etc for about a year and a half in Florida. I gave her a chance, but I told her I didn't know if I could get over it that time. I was distant, I avoided her, engrossed myself in work. We had sex one time, I swear it was one time, boom, preggers. Now I love my little girl, and she knew me well, I wasn't going to turn away a new child. So we had her. I stayed with her another 3 years before ending it after that.
Run, go away now. Live separate, see your kids, get custody if you can.
Run for the hills, run for your life. You do not want to remain with a woman who would manipulate you by getting pregnant.
He just indicated he didn't want children with her, not children in general, forever. But again, if he trusts her, what's the need? I trust my wife to take birth control until we're ready for the next kid, why would I even think of a vasectomy?
A vasectomy is permanent. You can't have a "next kid" with a vasectomy so you wouldn't WANT a vasectomy now.
With that said...there is no way on God's green earth I'd only trust one form of birth control. We had 4 children, all planned. After each child we used 2 forms of birth control...because we REALLY didn't want another child at that particular time.
He has since had a vasectomy and I still will not go near him when I know I'm around ovulation. It's not likely that I will get pregnant, given the effectiveness of vasectomy, but I REALLY, REALLY do not want anymore children and I won't risk it.
A question for the OP....you had asked her about birth control and she said she had to make an appointment to get more. Did she ever go to a doc appointment? Did you ask her if she went to/made an appointment? It would have been a big red flag for me, if she had said that and I didn't see any evidence of follow-through.
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