Need advice for a friend who is looking for a relationship and not having luck (women, single)
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He's actually younger... just turned 30. I think he's going through a bit of a "I am not a young guy in my 20s anymore" crisis. Maybe that's the real problem.
I suggested making friends because it's always good to have friends. Plus, I know people who've met though networking. It's how my brother met his wife. A friend of his was friends with another person, who knew a single woman who was looking. Voila. My ex boss met her husband though a friend of a friend as well. It happens.
If that's the case, and there are no glaring flaws, then he just needs to chill.
Desperation does not attract.
Re: "making friends," he should approach people the same, with the genuine goal of getting to know them as people.
If he is always on the lookout for "the woman who might be The One," he loses sight of the point. He should only make friends with people because they are fun to be with and they have stuff in common. He should only ask out people with whom he feels a spark of attraction.
He should not intentionally try to "befriend" people to network or use them as matchmakers, or just hang around someone he calls a friend hoping that one day they might bump up against each other and fall in love.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
This whole business of making temporary, short-term acquaintanceships with women he might want to date gives me the impression that he is not very genuine in his interactions with people. Could it be that women pick up on this?
This is what I was thinking. They know he isn't sincere on being platonic friends.
But the "friendship ending" when the other person finds a relationship, well, shoot... I dunno. When my friends get in a new relationship I see less of them too. Especially early in the relationship. It's natural. They're still my friends. Just like you said Jilla, this guy is a friend but you don't see him much, does that make him not a friend? Nope. That is the nature of lots of friendships; I have plenty of friends I see a couple of times a year. Things change when you're out of your 20s. Career. Family. Moving further apart. Professional / social / etc responsibilities. It's different that your 20s.
I find straight grown men that hang out with women friends odd. I wouldn't even know how to do this , it would seem easier to just ask them for a date. I am curious how he does this, I suspect he gives off a gay vibe and they assume he is gay, and this makes it easier for him. Despite what he says, it appears that he befriends them for the sole purpose of leveraging the friendship into a romantic relationship. Not a bad thing to happen, but to contrive such situations seems disingenuous to me.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robert5
I find straight grown men that hang out with women friends odd.
Why? Women are half the population. I've had female friends since I was in probably 5th grade, or before. It's completely odd to me that people aren't friends with people of the opposite sex. Its almost like you'd have to work hard to avoid it.
I find straight grown men that hang out with women friends odd. I wouldn't even know how to do this , it would seem easier to just ask them for a date. I am curious how he does this, I suspect he gives off a gay vibe and they assume he is gay, and this makes it easier for him. Despite what he says, it appears that he befriends them for the sole purpose of leveraging the friendship into a romantic relationship. Not a bad thing to happen, but to contrive such situations seems disingenuous to me.
From my understanding of it... he first tries romance and then pretty much if it doesn't work out, then he's friends.
He's read this post on the forum and wrote this back to me (if it helps explain things).
He said he doesn't make friends first with the hopes it turns into something more. What happens is he goes out on dates with women and while on the date he realizes *he* isn't feeling it and they became friends. He still likes them and remains platonic friends and they hang out and all. But there is an understanding that it won't lead to more. He says women have not been interested in him as well, but he doesn't stay platonic friends with them because he still has an attraction to them that gets in the way.
I hope I got that right. Like I said, it's hard when I am not there to actually see what's happening.
Why? Women are half the population. I've had female friends since I was in probably 5th grade, or before. It's completely odd to me that people aren't friends with people of the opposite sex. Its almost like you'd have to work hard to avoid it.
Perhaps we are talking apples and oranges. I am not criticizing being friendly with women and having personal conversations with them if you naturally interface with them on a day to day basis, or having lunch with a woman you work with, or occasionally meeting up with a woman friend you have known for a long time. What I find odd is an adult straight man "hanging out", on a frequent basis, with platonic female friends (that just happen to be potential romantic interests) that he has no work or long term connection to. I am visualizing them sitting outside a Starbucks talking about their diets.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robert5
Perhaps we are talking apples and oranges. I am not criticizing being friendly with women and having personal conversations with them if you naturally interface with them on a day to day basis, or having lunch with a woman you work with, or occasionally meeting up with a woman friend you have known for a long time. What I find odd is an adult straight man "hanging out", on a frequent basis, with platonic female friends (that just happen to be potential romantic interests) that he has no work or long term connection to. I am visualizing them sitting outside a Starbucks talking about their diets.
Ha, I don't do that, but I do go see bands, go to beer fests, etc with them. But these aren't potential romantic interests, they're just friends (new and old).
I hope people make new friends and don't just hang out with the same people year after year.
From my understanding of it... he first tries romance and then pretty much if it doesn't work out, then he's friends.
He's read this post on the forum and wrote this back to me (if it helps explain things).
He said he doesn't make friends first with the hopes it turns into something more. What happens is he goes out on dates with women and while on the date he realizes *he* isn't feeling it and they became friends. He still likes them and remains platonic friends and they hang out and all. But there is an understanding that it won't lead to more. He says women have not been interested in him as well, but he doesn't stay platonic friends with them because he still has an attraction to them that gets in the way.
I hope I got that right. Like I said, it's hard when I am not there to actually see what's happening.
Is doing that getting in the way of him actually finding a love interest? When I went on a date or a couple of dates with a guy and it didn't work out, I moved on. I know people do, but I don't see the point of developing an acquaintance-like friendship with ex-dates.
Is doing that getting in the way of him actually finding a love interest? When I went on a date or a couple of dates with a guy and it didn't work out, I moved on. I know people do, but I don't see the point of developing an acquaintance-like friendship with ex-dates.
And I think you're summing up what the OP was asking. It appears he makes friends, but it's mainly from dates that didn't have romantic interest. He likely has friendships from the women who are his friends wives or girlfriends, but he doesn't likely spark up communication to just end up as friends. Likely the reason why he sparks up communication is because he's interested in them in some degree. It doesn't just have to be a relationship, but there's interest there. If she feels that there's more interest there than she's comfortable with than she likely calls it off and vice versa.
Maybe the true question is how does he need to pursue a genuine friendship to where neither party gets their feelings hurt, when he's in an environment and age group, where other women aren't likely looking for friendships either, unless they are already involved?
I find straight grown men that hang out with women friends odd.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Robert5
What I find odd is an adult straight man "hanging out", on a frequent basis, with platonic female friends (that just happen to be potential romantic interests) that he has no work or long term connection to. I am visualizing them sitting outside a Starbucks talking about their diets.
Naw, mostly they talk about their relationships with women -- dates, attempted dates, does she like me -- and their work, and hobbies, and annoying neighbors, and new car/bike... normal stuff. I don't have any close friends, male or female who are on diets .
I find men who don't have close friends of multiple genders odd, to the point that I will not date them. A guy who dates women but does not have women friends seems like he has gender issues I don't want to deal with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
He's read this post on the forum and wrote this back to me (if it helps explain things).
He said he doesn't make friends first with the hopes it turns into something more. What happens is he goes out on dates with women and while on the date he realizes *he* isn't feeling it and they became friends. He still likes them and remains platonic friends and they hang out and all. But there is an understanding that it won't lead to more. He says women have not been interested in him as well, but he doesn't stay platonic friends with them because he still has an attraction to them that gets in the way.
Oh, that's cool, then .
I don't know why he is having trouble. Could it be expectations? Is he expecting to try fewer than 30 women before finding the right one?
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