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I have a friend who lives far away, so I don't see him in his day-to-day activities and such... but he's asked me for advice and I am stumped. I thought maybe the board can help.
He has female friends that he spends time with--really more like acquaintances than close friends though. They are women he hangs out with, but as soon as they get into a relationship... the friendship ends. He added that if he gets into a relationship, most likely these friendships will end.
He says his motive isn't to become friends with a woman finds attractive, but it sounds like that's what happens. It just doesn't work out for him though... either the women aren't interested in him, or as he gets to know them, he knows it really won't work out for him. But they stay friendly and continue to interact. He also added this isn't his motive because it's hard on him to be friends with someone he's really attracted to--it just happens that way. Also, according to him, he's been told that he can come off a little strong towards romance at times.
Now to his question for me. He wants to know if he keep going out with a relationship mindset or should he attempt to find more female friends and hope one of them works out.
This is a hard question for me to answer for him. I am the type of woman who "can" eventually fall for a guy like this who is my friend first. While I am looking and interested in a relationship, I am not as hard pressed as he is (he wants to marry, have a family, etc.... I don't have that pressure). Plus, while I fall more easily for men who are "friends first," a lot of women never fall for guys that are friends first (and I don't want to see him spinning his wheels, hurting, hoping for women he's friends with who might not have a relationship with him). The upside, I also know from experience that romantic relationships formed out of friendships are sometimes the best there is and longest lasting.
My initial suggestion to him was to do both... keep making friends with women... but not so much in the context of romantic relationships (AKA, don't get your hopes up). Just be friends and not look for more. But he should let these female friends know he's single and looking for a LTR (because a lot of times we women, while maybe we aren't interested, might still like you and know of another single woman who would be interested). And while I don't like it for me, I told him to keep other avenues open as well like online dating and/or speed dating (he's gotten dates from online dating and I think met a few FWB that way too. But he's really looking for something more).
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Sheesh. I agree with you if he wants to be friends with someone he should be, and not to look for more from that friendship. Friendship for friendship's sake. But if he is being a placeholder friend that is pushed out of their lives when they start dating, well, that sounds like the dreaded friendzone. He is just befriending women that aren't into him and hoping something happens. It won't. He's coming on too strong in the romance arena because they aren't interested. I often, well, come on strong. You know what? If they want me too, it is never too strong.
So yeah, he should keep making friends if he wants friends. But perhaps he should date for the fun of dating. If he is dating just to get a relationship it isn't fun for a lot of people. Dating is supposed to be about two people getting together and having fun together as they get to know one another; that fun can be killed with too much of an agenda. In other words, he needs to chill out and stop worrying about finding a relationship and just enjoy dating/meeting people/making connections, the relationships will happen when the right two people meet and no amount of pressing or purpose will speed that up.
I'm not sure if the befriending women to gain access to their friends is cool either. If I started hanging out with a cute woman and she wasn't into me but I kept telling her how much I want to be in a relationship and I keep hanging with her in the hopes she hooks me up with a friend, well, that isn't going to go over well for a multitude of reasons.
I'm not sure if the befriending women to gain access to their friends is cool either. If I started hanging out with a cute woman and she wasn't into me but I kept telling her how much I want to be in a relationship and I keep hanging with her in the hopes she hooks me up with a friend, well, that isn't going to go over well for a multitude of reasons.
Maybe I should clarify that for him then... I didn't mean "make friends to meet their friends." I meant it as make friends for the sake of the friendship, but along the way be sure to let these friends know you are looking (in other words, don't hide it). I suppose he could do this with male friends as well (although women might be more likely to know of other single women who are looking).
Oh, and just to be clear... I told him I was posting this. Just didn't want anyone to think I violated any else's privacy.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
Maybe I should clarify that for him then... I didn't mean "make friends to meet their friends." I meant it as make friends for the sake of the friendship, but along the way be sure to let these friends know you are looking (in other words, don't hide it). I suppose he could do this with male friends as well (although women might be more likely to know of other single women who are looking).
Oh, and just to be clear... I told him I was posting this. Just didn't want anyone to think I violated any else's privacy.
That's fine, but that isn't something you do early on in a friendship. I may mention at times I'm looking to some of my lady friends (when I am looking), but years into the friendship after the friendship is strong and secure and they know me super well.
Something is up with him. What do YOU think the REAL problem is??
He lives far away, so I don't even see him. That's not too unusual for me. I have friends I haven't seen for years and I really can't tell you what their day-to-day lives are like now (like old college friends and high school friends who I haven't seen in person for years and only "see" though Facebook and such).
My long winded point is, I don't know what the "real" problem is. I only know what he tells me. Anyway, I think that may be part of the reason he came to me, I am removed from it all (maybe he figured I would provide an "outside" opinion). And maybe that's why I struggle with an answer as well.
That's fine, but that isn't something you do early on in a friendship. I may mention at times I'm looking to some of my lady friends (when I am looking), but years into the friendship after the friendship is strong and secure and they know me super well.
This was something I've always pondered too. Vetted friendships that scale years most people have and they know each other well. A new friendship is on shaky ground from the beginning. Like the OP's friend, it's not the easiest situation to make opposite sex friends, because there's always the undertone of a relationship floating around. You can be plantonic, but how many remain truly genuine? It's something I've always wondered myself. Is it worth the effort to have a bunch of platonic friendships when most have ended when a relationship begins on their part? It's why I've always secured FWBs.
Sheesh. I agree with you if he wants to be friends with someone he should be, and not to look for more from that friendship. Friendship for friendship's sake. But if he is being a placeholder friend that is pushed out of their lives when they start dating, well, that sounds like the dreaded friendzone. He is just befriending women that aren't into him and hoping something happens. It won't. He's coming on too strong in the romance arena because they aren't interested. I often, well, come on strong. You know what? If they want me too, it is never too strong.
So yeah, he should keep making friends if he wants friends. But perhaps he should date for the fun of dating. If he is dating just to get a relationship it isn't fun for a lot of people. Dating is supposed to be about two people getting together and having fun together as they get to know one another; that fun can be killed with too much of an agenda. In other words, he needs to chill out and stop worrying about finding a relationship and just enjoy dating/meeting people/making connections, the relationships will happen when the right two people meet and no amount of pressing or purpose will speed that up.
I'm not sure if the befriending women to gain access to their friends is cool either. If I started hanging out with a cute woman and she wasn't into me but I kept telling her how much I want to be in a relationship and I keep hanging with her in the hopes she hooks me up with a friend, well, that isn't going to go over well for a multitude of reasons.
I agree with this. I'm assuming this guy is 40+? Being in this age group myself, and having several friends this age who are currently dating, I don't see any of them amassing acquaintances of the opposite sex in the hope that nothing turns into something. Most have enough friends already, and either want a relationship or don't.
I agree with this. I'm assuming this guy is 40+? Being in this age group myself, and having several friends this age who are currently dating, I don't see any of them amassing acquaintances of the opposite sex in the hope that nothing turns into something. Most have enough friends already, and either want a relationship or don't.
He's actually younger... just turned 30. I think he's going through a bit of a "I am not a young guy in my 20s anymore" crisis. Maybe that's the real problem.
I suggested making friends because it's always good to have friends. Plus, I know people who've met though networking. It's how my brother met his wife. A friend of his was friends with another person, who knew a single woman who was looking. Voila. My ex boss met her husband though a friend of a friend as well. It happens.
This whole business of making temporary, short-term acquaintanceships with women he might want to date gives me the impression that he is not very genuine in his interactions with people. Could it be that women pick up on this?
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