What kind of relationship am I looking for? (girlfriend, marriage, women)
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I feel the same too. I miss days when people would actually call on the land line, and life operated in a more simple slower pace.. you actually had time to bond.
Technology is nice and convenient but dating in the post-cell phone Internet days has definitely changed the landscape of dating..
I also miss days when you could actually take vacations and fly to your destination and get lost without being bombarded with cell phones, texting, and e-mail.
Life seemed more innocent and in the moment. Now everything's is crunched and pressed for time.
People used to actually write and send cards through the mail, flowers, gifts... sweet sentimental things you don't see anymore. Dating felt definitely more personal and meaningful.
Sometimes the issue is that people just aren't as genuine and honest as they once were either. The dating culture has changed and you either change with it or take your ball and go home.
At the risk of sounding a bit too harsh, it sounds to me like what you're looking for is all the good that comes with a relationship, but none of the bad. My personal opinion is that this is one of the big problems with relationships in this country. Too many women think the butterflies and daydreaming phase of the relationship should last forever and don't want to deal with the phase where he doesn't like some of your friends or you have to agree on where junior will go to school. (Worth noting, I would imagine there's probably plenty of men that aren't willing to work for a relatinship either, but being a male myself I've never tried to date any of them so I admittedly don't know.)
I would suggest that a relationship is no different than a career or a hobby......you get out of it what you put in. To get to the really good stuff you've got to put the effort in. The hard part with a relationship is that you get a dose of the good stuff on credit, up front, then comes the work and way too often that work may consume lengthy periods of time with only small doses of good stuff.
Not trying to spew negativity, just throwing out a thought for general contemplation......
So what's wrong with that if someone isn't looking for the "Full Monty" in their particular phase of life and both people agree on terms? The reasons that you state are exactly what I am trying to avoid at this point and that is getting all involved and having to deal with issues that I am not ready or willing to undertake right now.
This isn't a major thing or even a problem so much as a curiosity thing with me. Just something I want to know for the sake of knowing.
Every time I've had to define what kind of relationship I am looking for, I get into trouble with misunderstandings. I think I just don't know what it's called. When I say I want something casual men assume "casual sex" or stuff like this (from another poster)
Ugh! That's the first I heard of that being what casual dating is. But I don't think he's wrong (or the only man who thinks this). Mainly because when I tried OKCupid and put that in my profile, I got a lot of offers from men looking for a third for their girlfriends or wives. That's not what I want at all. I just want one man in my life.
When I talk about being friends with a guy, seeing him on average a couple of nights a week... eventually getting intimate but nothing too serious--not leading to anything. I get the "oh you want a FWB" label. That's not what I want either. FWB implies it's temporary and just going through the motions of a romantic relationship... just meeting a physical need until a real relationship comes along.
When I tried OLD on different sites, I said I was looking for a boyfriend. Then I get all kinds of really nice men... but all looking for marriage. I am not sure I want to go THAT serious (at least right away). They ask if I don't, then why am I looking for a boyfriend.
I just want to date, have fun and enjoy a man's company, go out now and then, stay in a lot more, do things together, be intimate sexually, spend nights together, be devoted to that one man, cook for him, take him on vacation, be my +1 at events, and most importantly love him... but with no expectations of marriage or even moving in together. If it grows into something more on its own, fine... but there is no ends to my means in this dating.
So, what is it called? It's frustrating that I can't put a label on it that will easily explain what I am looking for.
It doesn't have to be "all or nothing". Plenty of people would like a long-term relationship or marriage. However, rather than "looking for" a wife/husband, the healthier way to go about it is your way. Let it develop naturally if it can do so, without either the "forcing" of a quick LTR, or the "forcing away" of a potential partner because of fear of being exclusive at all.
It sounds like you do want exclusivity, but don't want that expectation of marriage unless it reaches that point. That makes sense.
Perhaps the way to address it is "I'm not opposed to marriage or moving in together, but only if/when the relationship reaches that point. I don't want to go into it expecting that when I don't know where the relationship is going to go."
So what's wrong with that if someone isn't looking for the "Full Monty" in their particular phase of life and both people agree on terms? The reasons that you state are exactly what I am trying to avoid at this point and that is getting all involved and having to deal with issues that I am not ready or willing to undertake right now.
I'm not saying someone has to go all in on the first date, just that looking for a perpetual honeymoon phase isn't realistic (in my opinion). SuperDave72 put it together quite nicely......
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperDave72
It sounds like you do want exclusivity, but don't want that expectation of marriage unless it reaches that point. That makes sense.
Perhaps the way to address it is "I'm not opposed to marriage or moving in together, but only if/when the relationship reaches that point. I don't want to go into it expecting that when I don't know where the relationship is going to go."
In other words, if one wants the good from a relationship, be open to the possibility that it could grow into more. No need to go in with the "I'm going to find a spouse" attitude, but eventually almost all relationships will either move on to the next level or they'll end. Forcing a relationship to be casual if it's growing into more is just as pointless as forcing a relationship into marriage if it's clearly not really working. Just my point of view.
At the risk of sounding a bit too harsh, it sounds to me like what you're looking for is all the good that comes with a relationship, but none of the bad. My personal opinion is that this is one of the big problems with relationships in this country. Too many women think the butterflies and daydreaming phase of the relationship should last forever and don't want to deal with the phase where he doesn't like some of your friends or you have to agree on where junior will go to school. (Worth noting, I would imagine there's probably plenty of men that aren't willing to work for a relatinship either, but being a male myself I've never tried to date any of them so I admittedly don't know.)
I would suggest that a relationship is no different than a career or a hobby......you get out of it what you put in. To get to the really good stuff you've got to put the effort in. The hard part with a relationship is that you get a dose of the good stuff on credit, up front, then comes the work and way too often that work may consume lengthy periods of time with only small doses of good stuff.
Not trying to spew negativity, just throwing out a thought for general contemplation......
I'm not sure where you are getting that from. All I want is something is something good, close and loving without having the obligation of marriage right out there on the table. Something that's more than a "fling" and less than a "binding legal and financial contract till death do us part." I am not sure where you are getting "I only want the good and not the bad." Trust me, couples who aren't married have problems, issues they face, etc. too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Robert5
You have a profile on a dating website, it is implied you are looking for a date. Unless you are looking for something far out of the norm, you don't need to define the type of relationship you are looking for. You are not really looking for something outside the norm, you just think you are.
As I have stated before, despite what women say in their profiles, they are really looking for a monogamous relationship. A man see's 'casual' or 'part time' in a woman's profile and he assumes non-monogamous. Admit that you want a man to be monogamous, but that you want to have complete control over when the two of you have sex, and that you can't be bothered with a man that wants sex more than you are willing to engage in it. That is the relationship you want, and it isn't that uncommon of a desire. The problem is, if you are honest about that, most sincere men will not agree to said relationship. If you are lucky you find a suitable comprise with a guy you like.
Maybe most men won't agree to it, but I am sure some men are interested in something similar... I mean, I see relationships like this. I had a neighbor like this before I moved away. For years, he and his girlfriend live in separate houses, pretty much spent most of their time together, spend night together, and vacationed together and such... they even gave gifts as a couple "from Rob and Susan." But they never married and at the end of the day, had their independence and their own places.
My uncle is also in a relationship like this (he's divorced and doesn't want to remarry and neither does the woman he's dating). Although they have talked about moving in together. But they dated for years before reaching that point... which is my point. I go on dates and guys start talking about moving in or marriage on date #2.
Maybe interest is rare, but there is some interest. I just figured there would be more men out there who want a close, exclusive relationship but, like me, aren't so sure on the lifelong commitment part.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperDave72
It doesn't have to be "all or nothing". Plenty of people would like a long-term relationship or marriage. However, rather than "looking for" a wife/husband, the healthier way to go about it is your way. Let it develop naturally if it can do so, without either the "forcing" of a quick LTR, or the "forcing away" of a potential partner because of fear of being exclusive at all.
It sounds like you do want exclusivity, but don't want that expectation of marriage unless it reaches that point. That makes sense.
Perhaps the way to address it is "I'm not opposed to marriage or moving in together, but only if/when the relationship reaches that point. I don't want to go into it expecting that when I don't know where the relationship is going to go."
The bolded... Exactly It just seems hard to find for some reason. Maybe I come across as the "Marrying type" but for some reason (the way some woman complain that they only find bad boys... I only find super serious, want to settle down guys). I seem to attract guys who've had their fun, played the field and are looking to settle down. LOL, if I were a guy, someone would call me a "beta" I think But like you said, I want exclusivity, but not the expectation of marriage unless things happen to lead in that direction.
I'm not saying someone has to go all in on the first date, just that looking for a perpetual honeymoon phase isn't realistic (in my opinion). SuperDave72 put it together quite nicely......
In other words, if one wants the good from a relationship, be open to the possibility that it could grow into more. No need to go in with the "I'm going to find a spouse" attitude, but eventually almost all relationships will either move on to the next level or they'll end. Forcing a relationship to be casual if it's growing into more is just as pointless as forcing a relationship into marriage if it's clearly not really working. Just my point of view.
I found in my past dating life (been married 15 yrs now) that it seemed a large number of women fell into one camp or the other - either they were "LOOKING" for a husband, or so against commitment or LTR that even in a good relationship that was moving that direction, they were so against it they bailed on it.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperDave72
I found in my past dating life (been married 15 yrs now) that it seemed a large number of women fell into one camp or the other - either they were "LOOKING" for a husband, or so against commitment or LTR that even in a good relationship that was moving that direction, they were so against it they bailed on it.
I found in my past dating life (been married 15 yrs now) that it seemed a large number of women fell into one camp or the other - either they were "LOOKING" for a husband, or so against commitment or LTR that even in a good relationship that was moving that direction, they were so against it they bailed on it.
I am not that against it... I would like a LTR. But I am also not looking to get married. Maybe I am in a weird camp because I am divorced and been there, done that and am in no hurry to repeat it--but I am also not totally against it with the right man. Could be just my "baggage" from having been in a marriage that didn't work out despite my best efforts (as I've said before, it was doomed from the start since my ex is now out of the closet gay... but even knowing logically there is nothing that he or I could have done to save the marriage, it still has an effect on a person. You put your everything into something, make a lifelong commitment and the other person just says, "I changed, good bye.")
I'm not saying someone has to go all in on the first date, just that looking for a perpetual honeymoon phase isn't realistic (in my opinion). SuperDave72 put it together quite nicely......
In other words, if one wants the good from a relationship, be open to the possibility that it could grow into more. No need to go in with the "I'm going to find a spouse" attitude, but eventually almost all relationships will either move on to the next level or they'll end. Forcing a relationship to be casual if it's growing into more is just as pointless as forcing a relationship into marriage if it's clearly not really working. Just my point of view.
Yes it's quite possible that it could develop into something more and I don't have an issue with that, but at this point it's not what I am looking for ( nor is he). I wasn't talking about sex on the first date.. By Full Monty what I meant was the whole marriage , live together, have kids thing. Nobody is forcing anything, but rather agreeing on terms. If it gets to the point of wanting more then my guess would be that I am ready to take that step... Else why would I want it?
There's a difference between looking for the perpetual honeymoon and not wanting the whole married with children thing. And it's quite possible to enjoy all the other perks without the drama if two people can think outside the box.
Last edited by Sydney123; 09-22-2014 at 01:28 PM..
I am not that against it... I would like a LTR. But I am also not looking to get married. Maybe I am in a weird camp because I am divorced and been there, done that and am in no hurry to repeat it--but I am also not totally against it with the right man. Could be just my "baggage" from having been in a marriage that didn't work out despite my best efforts (as I've said before, it was doomed from the start since my ex is now out of the closet gay... but even knowing logically there is nothing that he or I could have done to save the marriage, it still has an effect on a person. You put your everything into something, make a lifelong commitment and the other person just says, "I changed, good bye.")
From all the posts I've read of yours, I'm really not seeing what the problem is. You want to date, like normal, and if it turns out to be a great match, you're not opposed to living together down the road and may even consider getting married one day. The people I know who are dating or looking to date, that's how they are doing it too, so how do you think it is somehow different for you? What am I missing?
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It just seems hard to find for some reason. Maybe I come across as the "Marrying type" but for some reason (the way some woman complain that they only find bad boys... I only find super serious, want to settle down guys). I seem to attract guys who've had their fun, played the field and are looking to settle down. LOL, if I were a guy, someone would call me a "beta" I think 
But like you said, I want exclusivity, but not the expectation of marriage unless things happen to lead in that direction.
