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I'm writing now in a moment of desperation in hopes that someone can relate or give any helpful advice. I've been with my husband for 15 years. We're both 38 yrs old. When we got married, neither of us wanted children. 3 years ago, I got pregnant while on the pill. At first, it was shock but then we grew excited - he was also very excited. When I miscarried at 14 wks, we were both devastated.
Since then, I have now changed and want nothing more than to be a mother. He refuses. It's been 3 years of me trying to convince him how much it means to me, crying, depression, now anger. He won't budge.
It's to the point where I can barely control my emotions and it's causing us to consider separation because we aren't on the same page and we are both miserable.
We still love each other and want to make it work, but he's not willing to have a child. And I've tried for 3 years to come to terms with that and be happy without it. As the biological clock ticks away, I have increasing anxiety and resentment toward him. He is not sensitive to my feelings and wants me to just get over it, move on, be happy and stop talking about it. all of which is making me feel like he doesn't care about me.
I'm considering leaving him even though it's the last thing I want for us. I just cannot take this emotional stress and depression anymore.
We have been seeing a counselor but it's not really helping.
Anyone going through this? Any advice? Am I being selfish to now expect him to sympathize with how I feel?
You are not selfish, but you are reneging on the deal.
You got married with the understanding that there would be no children. Now you changed YOUR mind, but he did not.
I cannot blame him for how he feels.
I'm writing now in a moment of desperation in hopes that someone can relate or give any helpful advice. I've been with my husband for 15 years. We're both 38 yrs old. When we got married, neither of us wanted children. 3 years ago, I got pregnant while on the pill. At first, it was shock but then we grew excited - he was also very excited. When I miscarried at 14 wks, we were both devastated.
Since then, I have now changed and want nothing more than to be a mother. He refuses. It's been 3 years of me trying to convince him how much it means to me, crying, depression, now anger. He won't budge.
It's to the point where I can barely control my emotions and it's causing us to consider separation because we aren't on the same page and we are both miserable.
We still love each other and want to make it work, but he's not willing to have a child. And I've tried for 3 years to come to terms with that and be happy without it. As the biological clock ticks away, I have increasing anxiety and resentment toward him. He is not sensitive to my feelings and wants me to just get over it, move on, be happy and stop talking about it. all of which is making me feel like he doesn't care about me.
I'm considering leaving him even though it's the last thing I want for us. I just cannot take this emotional stress and depression anymore.
We have been seeing a counselor but it's not really helping.
Anyone going through this? Any advice? Am I being selfish to now expect him to sympathize with how I feel?
I'm so sad, devastated and lost....
I am sorry for what you are going through
And I understand what Pitt Chick just said, he likely does feel you are "reneging" on the deal you made at your wedding.
However, when two people love one another they must both work to respect and support one another even when they do change.
After all, LIFE is all about change. Nothing ever stays the same. We must grow or we stagnate and die (emotionally and/or spiritually).
That being said, your husband has closed his heart to any growth or change, and I'm so sorry.
But you now have to make one of two choices....
You make a conscious decision to love him regardless of how he is hurting you and release your dream completely so that you can remain happy in your marriage.
OR
You walk away and pursue motherhood from another direction.
Neither choice will be easy, I know. But this is really what it all comes down to.
I just want to say how sorry I am for your situation. I understand your dilemma. My husband never "wanted" children but he was also not adamant about it. We married fairly young with no real life plan, so changes were bound to occur. But when a woman has that urge come upon her, it is extremely powerful, and if it is not fulfilled there is a tremendous amount of grief, and like you said, anxiety and pain. Luckily my husband came around and gave me what I wanted. He was a good father. He cried both times I gave birth. But he was never really into family life. We divorced in part because he sort of checked out when I became a mom. He just could not relate to this new "me."
But thank god I had my children and I am grateful for them every day. No advice here. I just want you to know I understand how hard this is for you and there are no easy answers.
Look at it this way: You leave him, go through the divorce process, child custody, asset division, divorce, then you start dating in the attempt to find a man to have a child (because your "clock is ticking") and before you know it, you'll be in your 40's trying to have a baby you never wanted when you got married.
I'm so sorry you miscarried, but I'm just giving you a reality check.
I'm writing now in a moment of desperation in hopes that someone can relate or give any helpful advice. I've been with my husband for 15 years. We're both 38 yrs old. When we got married, neither of us wanted children. 3 years ago, I got pregnant while on the pill. At first, it was shock but then we grew excited - he was also very excited. When I miscarried at 14 wks, we were both devastated.
Since then, I have now changed and want nothing more than to be a mother. He refuses. It's been 3 years of me trying to convince him how much it means to me, crying, depression, now anger. He won't budge.
It's to the point where I can barely control my emotions and it's causing us to consider separation because we aren't on the same page and we are both miserable.
We still love each other and want to make it work, but he's not willing to have a child. And I've tried for 3 years to come to terms with that and be happy without it. As the biological clock ticks away, I have increasing anxiety and resentment toward him. He is not sensitive to my feelings and wants me to just get over it, move on, be happy and stop talking about it. all of which is making me feel like he doesn't care about me.
I'm considering leaving him even though it's the last thing I want for us. I just cannot take this emotional stress and depression anymore.
We have been seeing a counselor but it's not really helping.
Anyone going through this? Any advice? Am I being selfish to now expect him to sympathize with how I feel?
I'm so sad, devastated and lost....
It is doubtful he will change his mind so you need to decide if you want to stay married or have a child.
You are not selfish, but you are reneging on the deal.
You got married with the understanding that there would be no children. Now you changed YOUR mind, but he did not.
I cannot blame him for how he feels.
^^^ THIS!! I have a good friend who got divorced for the very reason. When they got married they BOTH agreed that there would be no children. Then SHE changed her mind...
I think - divorce was the best thing for them. In a marriage both parties should be on the same page.
I think he worries more about you. May be he enjoy the time with no kids last 15 years. I am sorry what you go through. what I can say now you are 38 and I feel your best time has passed to have a baby. It is important to have a healthy baby other wise you will both suffer. Some times you might regret that you have changed your mind.So watch out that side too. But for me life with a man but no kid is not worth at all. you are not being selfish but he is. yes you got married 15 years ago then you both did not want kids as you both were young ,now you want it because you felt the feeling to be a mother due to unexpected pregnancy if he cannot understand that he is the one who is selfish that is how I see. But I agree with what Elnina said.
I agree with Pitt Chuck and the last two posters. I'm sorry that you may not get what you want. You have to decide what's more important - your marriage or having a child with someone else - and go with that choice, letting go of resentment either way.
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