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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,711 posts, read 41,912,279 times
Reputation: 41454
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick
You are not selfish, but you are reneging on the deal.
You got married with the understanding that there would be no children. Now you changed YOUR mind, but he did not.
I cannot blame him for how he feels.
Right on the money.
Essentially your marriage is over. You will resent him if you stay and not have a kid, he will resent you and probably the kid if he gives in and has a kid. I think it's time to put the marriage out of its misery.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,178,375 times
Reputation: 40641
Yup, what needed to be said has been said. I feel very badly for your husband, you had an agreement and you're now wanting to put a non-existent and may never exist fantasy child ahead of the person you took vows with. SMDH. Poor guy.
This is why I always roll my eyes at these people that get married and and say oh we are both definitely not going to have children - we both agree we don't want any.
Yeah. RIGHT. Sorry, but such "deals" often fall by the wayside. If you get married, you HAVE to take into consideration that pregnancy is possible. I don't care if you've had tubes tied or whatever, it's possible. And couples should talk about that before ever walking down the aisle. The fact that you were both devastated at the miscarriage simply illustrates the point. I really don't have any advice for you at this point...I am sorry that your husband is being the way he is - clearly he was for the pregnancy when you were preggers, but if left up to him, he wants nothing to do with being a father. So, you either 1) get pregnant without his approval (meaning you probably end up a divorced mom), or 2) you leave him and adopt, or 3) you leave him and take your chances on finding someone else quickly, and getting pregnant, or 4), you stay, and come to grips with the fact that you and he are not ever going to be parents.
Those are your options. I'm certainly not going to tell you what I would do, since I am not in your shoes and have no idea what the state of your marriage and life really is. Only you can figure this out.
Could his fear now be because you lost your baby at 14wks? Maybe he is scared that will happen again.
I would sit down and have a heavy heart to heart about it.
This. It's not about "reneging on the deal", because he was excited about the pregnancy. Talk to your doctor to see what he feels the risk may be if there's a second pregnancy, and talk to your husband after you get info from the doctor.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,178,375 times
Reputation: 40641
There is a pretty huge difference between having a pregnancy happen and stepping up to the plate and doing the right thing (living life on life's terms), and planning and trying to have a pregnancy. They're completely different.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,711 posts, read 41,912,279 times
Reputation: 41454
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
There is a pretty huge difference between having a pregnancy happen and stepping up to the plate and doing the right thing (living life on life's terms), and planning and trying to have a pregnancy. They're completely different.
I'm your age. I grew up thinking I would want to have children no matter what. My mother fed into my head that having children was the greatest joy one could ever have. I always gotten along well with kids, and everyone says I've really got a "way" with them - kids just like me.
Well, time went by. I never met a man I wanted to marry. My mother tried to convince me that being a single mother wouldn't be such a bad thing and that I was better equipped to be one than most women who end up single moms. Um, ok.
Probably in my early 30s as my cousins and friends started having their kids, I kinda realized children aren't a goal for me. I realized I liked my life just the way it was. I am happy being the "crazy auntie" to my friends' kids and my younger relatives. These days, my biological clock is ticking down. It doesn't really phase me. I'm still of the opinion that I've got a pretty great life, and hey, maybe there's an off chance I'll meet someone that I think I would want to have kids with. There's an off chance that in my 40s I'll decide to adopt. But I don't have strong feelings about it - if it happens, it happens. I guess my personal "journey" was almost the opposite of yours.
You gotta decide if you want to tank your marriage over this. You can't MAKE your husband want to have children. And you'd be doing your child a disservice if he/she grew up with a half-hearted dad.
Look, there's a lot of people on here dissing you for changing your mind and breaking the "deal" you had. Whatever. That's not a problem in my eyes. People change and grow. But the drama you're acting out now is a bit over the top - you want your cake and to eat it too. But you're not going to shape the world to your desires - you're husband is set on not having children. You suddenly want kids. You have to decide which is more important to you, rather than trying to hammer everything around you (including your husband) into the reality you desire.
So that's a choice you have to make. But I'm gonna add that you didn't want kids before you went through this pregnancy and miscarriage. You had a whole door of possibilities opened to you that you hadn't expected and then it slammed in your face. That's very traumatic and jarring. Before you make the above-referenced choice, you need to figure out if you really do see a kid as such a necessity in your life OR if you are just reacting to the fact that you had an entire brand-new possible life path closed off to you so painfully and abruptly.
I mean, this isn't the same thing on an emotional level at all, but a while back a job was dangled in front of me with an amazing company I had never considered working for. I wasn't looking for a job - I've got a solid career with my current company, and I love my bosses and coworkers in addition to getting decent pay. But ... there were so many possibilities. The salary would have been insane. The hours would have been great. I'd have gotten to do work that was fun rather than just something I was good at. A whole new lifestyle, a whole new world, actually, was laid out there before me. Well, I went into the interview, threw my best shots ... and didn't get the job. It was a real gut punch. But I reminded myself that I was perfectly happy BEFORE the possibility was put before me. And I walked myself back.
That potential child you were carrying represented a whole different life path. Are you certain you absolutely must have a child? Or is it possible that while you were mourning the child lost in the miscarriage you didn't properly mourn the loss of all the unexpected possible paths that the child would have opened to you. There's a subtle difference, in my opinion.
Wow. I'm kind of surprised at some of the harshness toward the OP. People change. Just because someone decided 15 years ago when they were 23 years old that they didn't want to have children, it doesn't mean they can't change their mind. She didn't sign a contract promising to never want children. She thought she didn't want them. She's not wrong or bad for now having different feelings about it. Yes, she should consider her husband's feelings. He should also consider hers.
God. If I had made a plan at age 23 for the entire rest of my life and signed a document in blood saying that is how it was going to be, I'd be in trouble, because I pretty much knew nothing at 23. Things change. People change.
So let's get this straight. You and your husband both agreed before you got married that you didn't want children, but now you changed your mind and you expect him to go along. Not only that, but you've expended all kinds of effort manipulating him into having a baby. If you really didn't want children, why didn't you just get sterilized? Face it, you married a man who didn't want children and now you can't believe he does want to make you happy. You might want to accept the fact that many people do reject the idea that "it is a husband's job to make his wife happy." Our society may push that message, but lots of men are not going along. You've got one of those.
Yes, it is selfish at this point. Since you both went into the marriage with no expectations of children, YOU are the one that changed, not him. Expecting him to change to suit your needs now is not going to happen. The first time was an accident, hence probably why he was ok with it. But to do it consciously now is a choice, one that he does not want to do, and a choice he can also make. If you really want a child, it probably would be best for you to move on to another person that would be on the same page. Sorry to say, looks like it is time to move on.
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