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Anyway, we get into a fight last weekend (where she is undoubtedly in the wrong) and instead of making things right and admitting she messed up she wants to split. So now we have the car in her name, which I intended to pay for, that she wants me to take back while blaming me for her financial burden. I think she's spoiled and once she terminated the relationship I no longer assume any responsibility for the car. Please give me some feedback.
There is pretty much no such thing as only one person being in the wrong in such situations. Having this attitude is especially indicative of sharing some blame. A person who was truly blame-free has humility and tries to see another perspective without so much judgment and name-calling and buck-passing.
As for the car issue - a non-petty person would take responsibility for their idea to buy someone a car they know full well that person could not afford on her own. Maybe she should've been smarter about letting you do that, but if you truly are "not in the wrong" and are not petty, spiteful, and childish, then you would have no problem seeing that the right thing to do is to not saddle someone with debt they cannot handle when it was your "gift". This is especially true when you supposedly cared deeply enough for that person to seriously consider marrying them. Anything else squarely puts you "in the wrong" also.
unfortunately it was petty.she enjoyed getting hitting which i can usual dust off on but let the guy feel too comfortable to advance. As I explained my discomfort she tried to make excuses about it and told her we will discuss the situation at home. She didn't like the idea and hates it when I get upset with her because she has to deal with the "burden" of feeling bad. As stated before she left me, my friend and his gf ,who drove 5 hrs to see me bc we were planning on leaving this year, stranded. On top of that she didn't come home that night which leads to another issue. She told me that she didn't make it to her house so went to her mothers which was closer.
Translation:
You get irrationally jealous when other men pay attention to your girlfriend, attention she is flattered by (as is most any human), and then you scold her like you are her dad, guilt and shame her, and wonder why she doesn't want to go back home with you. You are concerned with how things make YOU feel, not how your condescending and controlling tone makes her feel in front of others, not to mention how your jealousy puts a damper on things (and ruined the evening). Because she was really upset, she went to her mom's where she'd find comfort, but you imagine worst - she was too drunk to drive and maybe even went home with another man. Your jealousy, paranoia, tendency to think the worst about someone you claim to love is not petty though...
Maybe that's not accurate, but it illustrates how the other side of the story can look.
There is pretty much no such thing as only one person being in the wrong in such situations. Having this attitude is especially indicative of sharing some blame. A person who was truly blame-free has humility and tries to see another perspective without so much judgment and name-calling and buck-passing....
This is the most reasonable post I've read so far... This particular paragraph is worth some thought, I'd say.
I, too, found myself saying, "Wait. Didn't he say he wanted to help buy her a car? Actually, he says this "...And, I didn't force her to getting a car but I did say that I would obv help her aka this what I will do..."... Yeah, until she pisses him off then all deals are off. I don't think she's being unreasonable asking you to take the car back. You just said you, "intended to pay for it." You offered to help pay for the car, and now you've reneged... that's assuming you hadn't stipulated that "...unless we get into a fight and I think she's wrong" or "...as long as she agrees to apologize on demand anytime I request"
As far as the butt jiggling... ever hear of the concept of agreeing to disagree? Works great for two people who "love each other" when they're conflicted over petty issues...
Quote:
Originally Posted by orangeapple
Translation:
You get irrationally jealous when other men pay attention to your girlfriend, attention she is flattered by (as is most any human), and then you scold her like you are her dad, guilt and shame her, and wonder why she doesn't want to go back home with you. You are concerned with how things make YOU feel, not how your condescending and controlling tone makes her feel in front of others, not to mention how your jealousy puts a damper on things (and ruined the evening). Because she was really upset, she went to her mom's where she'd find comfort, but you imagine worst - she was too drunk to drive and maybe even went home with another man. Your jealousy, paranoia, tendency to think the worst about someone you claim to love is not petty though...
Maybe that's not accurate, but it illustrates how the other side of the story can look.
This is the direction I'm leaning here, too. But, OP... I'm wondering... did they teach you the concept of compromising ...in that law school you attended?
You get irrationally jealous when other men pay attention to your girlfriend, attention she is flattered by (as is most any human), and then you scold her like you are her dad, guilt and shame her, and wonder why she doesn't want to go back home with you. You are concerned with how things make YOU feel, not how your condescending and controlling tone makes her feel in front of others, not to mention how your jealousy puts a damper on things (and ruined the evening). Because she was really upset, she went to her mom's where she'd find comfort, but you imagine worst - she was too drunk to drive and maybe even went home with another man. Your jealousy, paranoia, tendency to think the worst about someone you claim to love is not petty though...
Maybe that's not accurate, but it illustrates how the other side of the story can look.
That could be a possibility, however what is overly jealous? Me not agreeing that she leaves me for 10 min to entertain a complete stranger? She made a public joking gesture of giving him hip thrusts from behind to display her "dance moves", or the fact that he grabbed her ass? She knows she's in the wrong and she admitted it to a degree. However, she doesn't want to deal with me being upset with her and call it quits. She has a history of self perception issues and I think she is embarrassed/ashamed and that running from the issue is easier in spite of that facts they only got worse for her.
This is the most reasonable post I've read so far... This particular paragraph is worth some thought, I'd say.
I, too, found myself saying, "Wait. Didn't he say he wanted to help buy her a car? Actually, he says this "...And, I didn't force her to getting a car but I did say that I would obv help her aka this what I will do..."... Yeah, until she pisses him off then all deals are off. I don't think she's being unreasonable asking you to take the car back. You just said you, "intended to pay for it." You offered to help pay for the car, and now you've reneged... that's assuming you hadn't stipulated that "...unless we get into a fight and I think she's wrong" or "...as long as she agrees to apologize on demand anytime I request"
As far as the butt jiggling... ever hear of the concept of agreeing to disagree? Works great for two people who "love each other" when they're conflicted over petty issues...
This is the direction I'm leaning here, too. But, OP... I'm wondering... did they teach you the concept of compromising ...in that law school you attended?
Ok, once again I will say my efforts to handling the matter was suggesting to discuss it when we got home. Would that be an understanding or reasonable thing to do? It didn't get to that point because of her actions. I wanted and still want to talk things out however this is not the case and she is currently going back and forth to me about the relationship. Nonetheless, I highly doubt most men or women who were in my situation would feel completely comfortable about the situation and take the agree to disagree route on this one
That could be a possibility, however what is overly jealous? Me not agreeing that she leaves me for 10 min to entertain a complete stranger? She made a public joking gesture of giving him hip thrusts from behind to display her "dance moves", or the fact that he grabbed her ass? She knows she's in the wrong and she admitted it to a degree. However, she doesn't want to deal with me being upset with her and call it quits. She has a history of self perception issues and I think she is embarrassed/ashamed and that running from the issue is easier in spite of that facts they only got worse for her.
Ok, perhaps in this case and some others your upset is warranted. However, you note this is a pattern. This is just a symptom of something larger.
What I'm trying to point out is a dynamic between you two, that this is not about who is right/wrong but a dysfunctional dynamic. She is playing a spoiled, rebellious child to your controlling, domineering dad. She is clearly "acting" out, and her final move in response to your efforts to control her is to run away.
You very much have a role in this dynamic, and seeing it is the only way you'll ever form a new, positive dynamic (whether with her or someone else).
Giving her a car is a "dad" move. You're indebting her to you, creating dependence, so that you can control her. Now you're holding it over her, as a way to make her return to you and play by your rules. The car issue is not you being a generous guy taken advantage of by an entitled woman. You're continuing to try and play "dad" by thinking you're teaching her a lesson instead of being an adult and taking responsibility for your own bad decision. Again, I may be off on some details, but that's the general dynamic emerging to me.
I'm guessing when you first met you probably liked that she was playful, fun, spontaneous, etc, and she liked that you were some orderly, structured, dependable person. The flipside to these qualities are now irritating each other. It's very possible her negatives outweigh her positives and you see this now - fine, don't marry her, but don't be spiteful either. It seems to me you are seeking emotional validation here, that she is an entitled brat and that justifies you not helping her return the car you gifted her - but even if she was being spoiled, it doesn't mean that you have no role in this outcome and no responsibility to fix some of it.
It's highly likely you will repeat this with someone else, as people tend to be drawn to certain types over & over because of the dynamic they are seeking to create (not consciously).
So my unsolicited advice is
- Remember & appreciate the positive things about her (or a future girlfriend) that drew you to her to begin with, and remember these are often connected to the flaws, which means there has to be some acceptance of them if you want those positive traits. When you give that acceptance, then the rebellious and spoiled sides will likely ease up. The more you try to control her, the more out of hand she will get, as a way to assert herself. Then things will amplify as try to control more, she acts out more, etc.
- Be aware of when you're acting in that negative dynamic, and choose to act differently. See how she triggers you and you trigger her to enter this pattern. Your expression of when something bothers you should not be in a shaming/guilting tone, as if you are her dad giving her a stern talking to and setting ground rules or something (sorry, but your posts make you seem like you talk to her that way).
- I don't really know what is salvageable for people or not, as I'm no counselor, but whatever route you take, it obviously cannot be the same one you've been on.
My take on it was that you have decided to buy her a car as a gift when you are in a relationship
So in a way you should have pay for it.
If it were a gift in a smaller dollar amount, you could have already pay in full.
if it was me, if the relationship is really over, and i'm financially able to pay for the car. I would manup and paid in full for it and cut all financial ties with her.
if she can't afford the other maintenance, etc of owning a MB, then that would be her business, and she could sell the car for all I care.
Just like all the other gift, whatever she doesn't with it (exp after breakup) is her choice.
So lesson learnt. financial independent
This car seems like a "gift" that is also a way of controlling her. That's not much of a gift.
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