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So I've seen versions of this heavily debated on CD. Here's my story, shortened version.
GF and I, now ex, start hooking up. I am upfront after a few weeks that I still have feelings for another girl and tell her I'm trying to work it out with my ex.
About a month goes by. We start talking again / hooking up again as getting back with exes never works. She goes to NY to visit her brother. When she returns, we begin dating exclusively.
About 6 months later she comes clean that she hooked up with someone in NY. I'm super pissed she didn't tell me because I 100% would have lost interest at the time. But I let it go because we weren't exclusive and at this point my feelings are deep.
However her story stinks. Things don't add up and I grow suspicious. I snoop. Whatever, I'm not going to debate the merits of it, I did it because of lack of trust. Low and behold she never saw her brother. She flew out there to bang some dude she met at a music festival during that month I was talking to my ex. She went as far as to have her bro txt her evidence that she stayed with him to further the lie. Which I think is ridiculous. Why lie when you're "coming clean?"
I felt I was up front and honest about my dealings with other women. She was deceitful and was even deceitful when she "came clean." I have since dumped her over this and some other lies, which she didn't even need to tell.
I don't know. I would never risk my heart with a guy who told me from the outset that he was trying to work things out with his ex, even if later he changed his mind. Maybe she never gave your relationship a chance. Maybe she didn't really think there was a chance in the first place. I'm sorry that happened.
I don't know. I would never risk my heart with a guy who told me from the outset that he was trying to work things out with his ex, even if later he changed his mind. Maybe she never gave your relationship a chance. Maybe she didn't really think there was a chance in the first place. I'm sorry that happened.
Her actions aren't the problem. We were not exclusive. It's the deceit.
I don't know. I would never risk my heart with a guy who told me from the outset that he was trying to work things out with his ex, even if later he changed his mind. Maybe she never gave your relationship a chance. Maybe she didn't really think there was a chance in the first place. I'm sorry that happened.
And we dated for a year and a half, with talks of marriage. This was a serious relationship.
I'm not sure. I mean you weren't exclusive at the time, right? Yet she didn't want to feel skanky, so she hid what she'd done from you. Also, even though you weren't exclusive, she worried (rightly, according to what you stated above) that if she told you "I'm going to Place X to bang some guy I met at a music festival, but I'm free the following weekend, want to catch Maleficent?", you'd probably have run.
I'm no fan of what she did, but I won't judge it, either, and you have to face facts: you're the one who established, from the beginning, that you and she were no sure thing. That, as a matter of fact, she was a fallback in case things didn't work out with the ex. How committed to you did you expect her to be under those circumstances? (I personally would never have started anything with a guy on that premise, but that's pretty much neither here nor there.) And as you confirmed above, you would have. (Freaked out, that is.)
If you want to be exclusive now, then now, you have The Talk. And being exclusive means you don't hang out wondering if your ex is going to come back. You have to be firm about a commitment if you want to consider asking for one from her.
ETA: Oh, sorry, we were posting at the same time. Obviously, the two of you are exclusive now.
But I don't see how you can hold "the deceit" against her. She had NO idea what to expect from you, you were likely to bolt at any moment anyway if the ex beckoned...and she too wanted the opportunity to feel things out with other people. She had no idea where you and she were going but obviously, she was "deceitful" because she knew you'd freak out (even though you weren't giving *her* any sense of permanency...hmmm).
Whether or not you want to hold it against her now is up to you.
Another edit: You're broken up??? Then what does it matter? Why would it bother you now? This should cement your decision. You've now discovered something concrete not to like about her. Forget about it, it happened, time to move on from that.
I'm not sure. I mean you weren't exclusive at the time, right? Yet she didn't want to feel skanky, so she hid what she'd done from you. Also, even though you weren't exclusive, she worried (rightly, according to what you stated above) that if she told you "I'm going to Place X to bang some guy I met at a music festival, but I'm free the following weekend, want to catch Maleficent?", you'd probably have run.
I'm no fan of what she did, but I won't judge it, either, and you have to face facts: you're the one who established, from the beginning, that you and she were no sure thing. That, as a matter of fact, she was a fallback in case things didn't work out with the ex. How committed to you did you expect her to be under those circumstances? (I personally would never have started anything with a guy on that premise, but that's pretty much neither here nor there.)
If you want to be exclusive now, then now, you have The Talk. And being exclusive means you don't hang out wondering if your ex is going to come back. You have to be firm about a commitment if you want to consider asking for one from her.
Guys. Let's get this straight. We were very committed to each other past NY. For a year and a half.
It's the lies and the lengths she went to hide what she did that are the problem for me. And it sounds like you are dismissing the fact that she completely lied to, for over a year, someone who is supposed to have the deepest trust in you.
I would like to discuss the merits of deceit pre exclusivity and how that should affect the relationship should it be exposed.
My stance on the matter is clear. What is yours?
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