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I have a little bit of an odd situation with my girlfriend. We are both in our early 30s. We've been together for 6 months and we have not had sex yet. This is for two reasons 1. She has no libido, (as in she has no fantasies or desire to masturbate) 2. Privacy, her son and her special needs brother (mental retardation) that she takes care of are always around in the small trailer she lives in, her son also has special needs (autism and mental retardation), and her son sleeps in her bed and she can't seem to get him to sleep in his own bed.
For the libido issue she has been to the doctor, they did some bloodwork and found a vitamin b12 deficiency and abnormality with her in genetics in her blood that she has to see a hematologist for. She also has multiple sclerosis, she thinks it's either the MS itself or side effects from the cocktail of meds she is on.
With her son, it seems every time she tries to get him to sleep in his own bed, he either does not sleep or comes back into the room. The father of the child does not have anything to do with the child, and she used to leave her son with her mom overnight until her mom's fiance decided to spank her child She has trouble trusting a reliable sitter to watch her son to run errands for a few hours, let alone overnight.
The last time I brought up this issue she got mad at me for pushing the issue, she said she is trying her best to figure out the issue, and that it is not me that is the issue, saying she does love me and she is attracted to me. She pointed out that we have not been together long ( 6 months is long for me, more on that later). She also pointed out that I would not be in her son's life as much as I have, would not want to come over to my family's home for holidays, wouldn't brag about me on social media, would not let me kiss her, touch her, and get naked in front of me if she didn't love me or find me attractive. She also pointed out that she doesn't want our relationship to be focused on just sex.
Now some of you might think to yourselves why are putting up with this? You see I have autism spectrum disorder that makes it very difficult to make and maintain friendships, let alone romantic relationships.The fact that I am in a relationship is miracle in it of itself. I have only had one other romantic relationship in my entire 31 years of existence. If I break off this relationship it could be a LOOOONNNGG time before I find something new, my last relationship ended 10 years ago.
Furthermore I do love her with all my heart, but it really sucks having to be celibate while having a girlfriend. I also guess since I haven't gotten laid in 10 years that I just kind of got used to not getting any and just pleasuring myself.
I am not quite sure why I am writing this, I guess I am just trying to reach out to see if anyone has ever dealt with anything similar before.
I really want to be patient and wait for her to get the problems resolved, I am just afraid of being put off indefinitely. On the flip side I have been doing some googling on wait times to have sex in a new relationship, and studies have shown that the longer a couple waits to have sex, the happier their relationship is and the longer it lasts.
So it looks whether or not I stay or go, I am taking a gamble. If I break up with her not only will that break my heart but hers (hers has been broken enough), even though there is a chance I could meet someone "better", that might not actually happen, OTOH, if I stay I might end up in a permanent sexless relationship or I wait patiently, she gets her issues resolved, we have sex and it's amazing because we have built up all the other parts of our relationship such as trust, communication, emotional intimacy, etc.
So what's man to do? I am so torn right now, while I might be able to deal with being in a sexless relationship considering I am used to not getting it anyways and I do love her, it is certainly not ideal or something to aim for..
What exactly is it you are different in as other people?
You love each other and you say your options of finding somebody else are very limited.
I would wait for the doctors results and all her tries to make sex life possible. She might come around. If not, you can still break up if you can't take it anymore.
If you read the OP, she has been the doctor to get bloodwork done, she has a gyn appointment later this month, and has a neuro appointment in march of 15.
What about more direct ways to work on the other non-medical issues here? Is she unwilling to work out someone regular to watch the kids so she can come to your place for an evening here and there? I understand why she won't bring the kid back to her mother's, but is that something that can resolved by having a stern conversation with the guy who spanked her kid? If not, then back to looking for an experienced sitter.
It's also a huge problem she's letting the kid sleep in her bed...but that's probably not an easy fix at this point. Still, the longer she allows that, the longer she's avoiding working with you to come to a solution.
I understand you're anxious at the idea of leaving this relationship because it means you might be single for a long time, but you deserve to be with someone compatible. That includes sexual compatibility. Your needs aren't being met right now while it seems like you're doing a great deal to help her meet her needs in terms of patience and help with the kids. She needs to prove she's willing to make changes, otherwise you're in your rights to consider leaving. Do you feel like a romantic partner right now or a caregiver?
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
That's good, but going to any number of doctors isn't going to address her living and family situation, which is just as much of an issue with your lack of intimacy.
Bingo. And you got some good advice about day sex here. Even if she can't find an overnight sitter, you all can take morning and afternoons for a date and time alone together.
You can do everything you want, until she sees it as an issue she will not be motivated to change.
Her life may not even allow her too...she sounds stuck in a pattern of planning and ridged rules
She is stuck in one gear only.
The question you need to ask yourself is how do I tell her this is affecting my preception of our relationship negatively. How do I make her aware of how much this affect us as a result?
Not sure what studies you read and perhaps there is some truth to it but from my experience, if your not having sex NOW then you sure as heck will not have much more later. She is not gonna wake up one day and want to have sex with you on a daily basis no matter how many drugs she takes... that is never gonna happen. If you do eventually start having sex, chances are you are going to have to be the initiator for the remainder of your relationship and trust me, that can get old real fast.
For my money, sex isn't everything, but it is something and if its something to you as well, then you need to think long and hard because if you stay with her your looking at sex 4 or 5 times a year at best... if you can live with that then it may be worth effort but if your looking for a typical sex life where you and your partner have sex a few times a week then you need to find someone else. Again, this is just my opinion but it comes from experience, what ever that's worth.
I stopped reading at 6 months and no sex yet. Honestly, I'd cut your losses, does not seem like a salvageable situation.
A woman needs to take care of her man sexually.. in marriage of course (i'm a Christian), but even God says it's not good for a man to be alone.. so he made the woman. (book of Genesis)
She actually has a biblical responsibility to take care of sexual issues in the event these two married.. reason .. so that his heart does not wander to desire other women.. and he has a responsibility to love her in a self sacrificial way. putting her needs before his.. as says the Bible.
Men have a strong desire to have sex.. it is something inbred in them. If he's not getting this taken care of from his wife he is going to fall into the temptation of going after other women in his heart of nothing else. it is wrong for a wife to withhold this from her man.
So what's man to do? I am so torn right now, while I might be able to deal with being in a sexless relationship considering I am used to not getting it anyways and I do love her, it is certainly not ideal or something to aim for..
I think you're just going to have to accept that she has a lot on her plate and sex isn't one them.
Wow. Y'all are rough. Six months with no sex...time to take off? Really? It seems like if you especially have a hard time finding a relationship, waiting longer isn't going to hurt anything and might be the start to a very happy 30, 40, etc YEARS together. If she's going to the doc to see what's up, she obviously is willing to work on her issues. Guess it depends on if you want to wait for that or not. Doesn't seem like a huge deal to me, but then, I'm not a sex-crazed dude.
All that said, I understand where others are coming from re: if she doesn't want to do it now, she's not ever going to want to do it much. That may be true. But given the situation you described, OP, why not hang out and see what happens? Good things come to those who wait...
I help her and support her as much as I can, more then any guy ever has. And yes I am up for the challenge of dealing with the whole pacakge since I am a very compassionate person who has a host of own "issues"
And no MS is not fatal except in rare cases.
This doesn't seem to be doing much to turn her on.
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She has trouble trusting a reliable sitter to watch her son to run errands for a few hours, let alone overnight.
