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It really amazes me sometimes how I see so many posts here with people staying with someone in an obvious dead-end relationship hoping things will magically change. Just proves how some would rather be in a relationship...any relationship...rather than be on their own no matter how bad it is. Sorry OP, but if he is the same after eight years he's not going to change and it's time to end this now. If it had been me it would have ended about six years ago. I'd also take some time to be on your own and do some self-reflection before you jump into something right away.
No need to apologize. I know it's no one else's fault but my own for staying in this relationship for almost 8 years. It was my choice. I was forgiving because I've loved him. Yes, I did believe he'd change and finally make the move to move on with our relationship to the next level, but as the years have passed and passed, I started losing hope that this will ever happen. I suppose I believed he'd change because he's such a successful man outside of his personal (home / after-work) life. I just simply cannot understand how and why a financially stable man will not move out of his parents house. Even all of his friends and my friends as well as family are constantly asking me this question. I have heard that question so many times I'm sick and tired of it. I now tell them all to ASK HIM. Seriously, as I don't know what kind of answer to give for a man living with his parents in his 30's. I am just so disappointed he was leading me on for so many years.
Really it doesn't need to be brought up at all. When I think about that coming up, it'd be way down the line after you two are an official monogamous couple and have been for a while lol.
Like if you 2 chatted, and you complimented him saying "I am so glad I met you. At first I was in a bad 8 year relationship with someone who wasn't compatible and we weren't going anywhere, I am glad I had sense enough to get out, because it gave me a chance to be with you." Something like that, after you 2 have become official and stable couple.
But even that may be pushing it. So I would say avoid that period. You don't have to lie to him, but he just doesn't need to know all your past story. He just need to know who you are now. A stable, single, interested woman.
That's a mistake many make. They reveal too much info and a potential or current partner can't handle it, then it causes rift. Like the infamous questions of "How many sex partners" has one had. Some who reveal a large number automatically disgust one partner, then everything seems to change when they hear something like "I had over 200 women and alot of them were prostitutes.." Many probably don't want to know that. So usually guys and women don't volunteer certain info.
I understand your point completely VanillaChocolate I didn't mean to say I'll spill out all the details of all the failures and disappointment I've gone through during the 8-year relationship. I was just curious IF THE NEW MAN SHOULD KNOW about the fact that I've been with another man for 8 years. Just a mention of that fact, not the whole story of the entire relationship. And what if the new man ASKS me himself if I ever was seriously involved with someone long-term. I am just talking about being honest with a new partner.
No need to apologize. I know it's no one else's fault but my own for staying in this relationship for almost 8 years. It was my choice. I was forgiving because I've loved him. Yes, I did believe he'd change and finally make the move to move on with our relationship to the next level, but as the years have passed and passed, I started losing hope that this will ever happen. I suppose I believed he'd change because he's such a successful man outside of his personal (home / after-work) life. I just simply cannot understand how and why a financially stable man will not move out of his parents house. Even all of his friends and my friends as well as family are constantly asking me this question. I have heard that question so many times I'm sick and tired of it. I now tell them all to ASK HIM. Seriously, as I don't know what kind of answer to give for a man living with his parents in his 30's. I am just so disappointed he was leading me on for so many years.
Yeah I know very well love can make you do silly things, been there done that. As long as his parents allow him to keep staying there why should he move out? He's got a good thing going and he knows it. I can't really fathom this mindset since I've been on my own since I was 18, but some people have no problem with this.
OP, I think that you have already made the decision in the back of your mind. What you are trying to overcome is lingering feelings and the sense of guilt. It will be very difficult, admittedly, to get out of such a long-lasting relationship that you had so much commitment to. It will be even mentally traumatizing. But you know you have to do it. And you'll be glad you did. Have family and friends supporting you mentally when you cut the tie; it will really help.
I understand your point completely VanillaChocolate I didn't mean to say I'll spill out all the details of all the failures and disappointment I've gone through during the 8-year relationship. I was just curious IF THE NEW MAN SHOULD KNOW about the fact that I've been with another man for 8 years. Just a mention of that fact, not the whole story of the entire relationship. And what if the new man ASKS me himself if I ever was seriously involved with someone long-term. I am just talking about being honest with a new partner.
I don't think he needs to. Now if he asks about long term relationships, you could tell him you dated someone for 8 years, but left because you both wanted different things. A nice simple story. And it's true. He is fine not being married and living at home. You want to be married, have a family and your own place with a SO.
OP, I think that you have already made the decision in the back of your mind. What you are trying to overcome is lingering feelings and the sense of guilt. It will be very difficult, admittedly, to get out of such a long-lasting relationship that you had so much commitment to. It will be even mentally traumatizing. But you know you have to do it. And you'll be glad you did. Have family and friends supporting you mentally when you cut the tie; it will really help.
AmFest, yes that is the way I feel: my mind and heart are at odds with each other right now Just don't know how to go about giving myself enough strength and courage to simply LEAVE. I know I need to do this. And yes, I have given so much and I have put so much of myself into it. Without any appreciation, evidently. And that is even more disappointing. Those darn lingering feelings huh. The reason I am very uncomfortable with my "guilt" feeling (and it's certainly there) is that I'd be making this decision after meeting a new man ... if you know what I mean.
After eight years OP, you have the right to put your cards on the table here. It's not an ultimatum, but it's time you tell him exactly what you want, and if he isn't on the same page, then you can both go your separate ways.
The moving in with the family thing would be an immediate deal breaker for me. Is he looking to kill your sex life? Or any other kind of intimacy for that matter?
I give you credit for hanging in there so long. As for the new guy, I would be honest with him as well. If you end up leaving your current SO, then the new guy will want to know the situation you're just coming out of. I doubt it will be a deal breaker for him either (the new guy), so don't worry about that.
Leave! This new guy sounds awesome...and realize that your current BF will try to win you back with promises he won't keep. Leave now and live a happy life without regret!
AmFest, yes that is the way I feel: my mind and heart are at odds with each other right now Just don't know how to go about giving myself enough strength and courage to simply LEAVE. I know I need to do this. And yes, I have given so much and I have put so much of myself into it. Without any appreciation, evidently. And that is even more disappointing. Those darn lingering feelings huh. The reason I am very uncomfortable with my "guilt" feeling (and it's certainly there) is that I'd be making this decision after meeting a new man ... if you know what I mean.
Do you live alone? Your self-esteem might be completely beaten that you think you are not capable of finding another man.
**** it out and doll-up. Be ready for next man who might be around the corner.
I did not read anything past the first paragraph however, my best advice is to take all of what you wrote and step into a professional therapists office and let them read it. Then ask them for guidance.
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I didn't mean to say I'll spill out all the details of all the failures and disappointment I've gone through during the 8-year relationship. I was just curious IF THE NEW MAN SHOULD KNOW about the fact that I've been with another man for 8 years. Just a mention of that fact, not the whole story of the entire relationship. And what if the new man ASKS me himself if I ever was seriously involved with someone long-term. I am just talking about being honest with a new partner.
Just don't know how to go about giving myself enough strength and courage to simply LEAVE. I know I need to do this. And yes, I have given so much and I have put so much of myself into it. Without any appreciation, evidently. And that is even more disappointing. Those darn lingering feelings huh. The reason I am very uncomfortable with my "guilt" feeling (and it's certainly there) is that I'd be making this decision after meeting a new man ... if you know what I mean.
New Man
