Relationship with girlfriend and moving in together (dating, wife, marriage)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have met a beautiful woman and started a relationship with her approximately 9 months ago. She is adorable, kind and thoughtful. Be both have two children, each (all boys). Her children are ages 5 and 8, and my boys are age 9 and 12. She is from a European descent (northern), their parents don't speak a phrase of English and refuse to learn, with claims that their community is large and English is not a requirement for them. I can not communicate with then unless there is a translator.
She is a divorcee who moved in with her parents 3 years ago due to lack of income, and still living with them. She is a realtor by trade, however her work is minimal to none, so her income is very little. She also lacks savings and retirement planning. Her child support income is also very low (approx $550/mo) considering her children's activities, school and needs. I am a professional with a good income that can cover all my expenses and also save some.
She's been visiting and staying at my house over weekends and weeks while school's off, since we live over 40 miles apart. We're trying to figure out if we can move together and co-habitate since marriage is no longer in scope for either one of us. She brings her children, I've set up a bedroom for them, toys, clothing closet, etc. The oldest of her children wets the bed on a routine basis, both at her parents home and my home. Her youngest is always "play - killing something by shooting, stabbing, chopping up, etc.". Both of the children lack respect, manners and discipline, and I've expressed that to my GF, and she ignores me. My children also dislike how their own personal room is invaded by the two of her boys and take what they want, talk back and disrespect the space they're in. When I tried to talk to her children and tell them they will end up with time-outs and re-precautions, their mother jumps to defense they are good and doing nothing wrong. Along with parenting disagreements, we agreed to work together and seek counseling, professional help and advise to address child discipline and process.
Considering time and progress, we're thinking about moving in together and I've introduced the idea of proportionally sharing expenses, based on income for rent and utilities, where she would cover her own personal expenses and I'd cover my own; finding a new place we'd both pick out and consider "our" home - which would be good for her children and my children. She got very offended at the idea of her paying for anything, especially since she is the "woman" and the "man" should provide and pay for everything. Besides, she would do laundry, cook and also raise my children, among other things, she is "intimate" with me, and that carries a lot of value.
I expressed that I already do my own laundry, cook, clean and have arrangements for my boy's activities so her involvement would be minimal, at best. I also expressed that covering expenses for all six of us completely would render me unable to save for my retirement and children's college and while she'd be making her income with her real-estate skills, she would keep that to herself and spend on her needs/desires.
I am at the point where I believe casually dating other women without any significant commitment would be more cost efficient both financially and emotionally, than committing to a woman with children who need a lot of discipline and education for basic manners.
Furthermore, now she also demands a diamond ring, so I can show commitment and I "have to" or "must" spend at least 2 to 3 times as much as I've spent on my previous wife's ring. She is also considering marriage a "must" since we have to share financials and make her part of my future savings I've accrewed.
Even-though I managed to secure retirement (401K, IRA and Roth), personal savings and some investments portfolios of some significance, I told her "I'm broke" I don't have any money and I am in a pinch with finances and her attitude completely changed. She said that at my age I should have grown children, a paid home and significant savings to take care of her. (for a a quick insight, I lost my wife to cancer and I am 40.)
My fear is, this woman is here to take me for a financial ride, stay home and drain me at work, of my finances and cater to "her" and "her children's" needs since she couldn't gain anything from her previous marriage. As it comes to intimacy, she also recently informed me of lack of desire and low libido drive, therefore not to expect much.
So I just sit back, breathe, and relax and discovered that this may not be the best route to take. What do you think? If you were a man or a woman in a similar situation as I am and your "new love" would make such demands, would you try to fix or move on?
Why are you with her? You make her sound like an absolute nightmare with no redeeming qualities.
Not sure I saw the "Nightmare" in this scenario. A part of me always wants to problem-solve. However a fresh non-biased perspective is what I'm seeking.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,109,587 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by avg_jack
Not sure I saw the "Nightmare" in this scenario. A part of me always wants to problem-solve. However a fresh non-biased perspective is what I'm seeking.
Thanks,
Where to start. No income. Apparently no work ethic. Wants to use this no income and poor work ethic to have someone else care for her and her family. Poorly behaved children. Demanding a ring. And More...
So at least five nightmares to start. Lets not even start with the "minor" nightmares.
There is nothing to fix here dude. This is horse bleep top to bottom.
You don't sound even slightly interested in keeping this relationship (which, based on information disclosed, seems valid). Why on earth you would even be considering moving in with this person is kind of a headscratcher. There isn't anything written that sounds like you even like her, let alone have any reason to start building a life together.
You start with "beautiful, kind, thoughtful, and adorable," and then launch into a litany of awfulness, none of which sounds like anything resembling thoughtful.
Not sure I saw the "Nightmare" in this scenario. A part of me always wants to problem-solve. However a fresh non-biased perspective is what I'm seeking.
Thanks,
Go back and read your post. You make her sound like a total nightmare. You sound like you are absolutely miserable with her so I fail to understand why you would want to move in with her.
She has no income, so no matter what kind of "financial plan" you set up, she will NOT contribute to it. And that is the LEAST of the problems I see here.
DO NOT move in with her.
Be a father to your own kids, and focus on them right now. Casually dating sounds like a GREAT idea for you right now.
WAY too many red flags to even list them here. Let her go.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
