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I recently made the decision to pursue dating a little more, and while on one of the free dating sites, I started to exchange messages with a guy we'll call "Sam." Sam seemed a little awkward, telling me after a few messages it was a breath of fresh air to meet someone like me, and messaging me daily to say good morning, have a good day, etc. But since he didn't present any major red flags in his messages to me (although I did think it was odd he was asking me for advice on what he should do for his college choice and career), I decided to try a brunch date with him last week. We went out, and while I'd say the time was fine, I was still neutral to him. But he wanted to see me again. I figured OK first dates can be a little awkward because people are nervous. So he suggested a picnic in a nearby park, telling me he was willing to do whatever made me happy. He has still kept up with the daily messages. I still wasn't falling for him, but I know "give him a chance" is the common advice. Since there was still no major red flag waving behavior, I tentatively accepted a date, as I've started a new part-time job and wasn't sure when I'd be working or having orientation.
However, yesterday Sam messaged me on the dating site (he does not have my phone number; this is an important detail) to say he needed me because one of his family members was ill and he wanted me to listen to him because I am a calming presence in his life and he doesn't know why, but he finds me to be that way. He also said looking forward to our date keeps him going and gives him something to look forward to. I found this very uncomfortable, seeing as we went on one date and I only met him four days ago. And with starting a new job, I have a lot on my own plate between going to trainings and learning about my position and company. I haven't messaged him back yet, and thankfully, he does not know where I live or have any contact details for me, because I'm worried he's coming on way too fast.
I'm now considering canceling my date with Sam and telling him we're not compatible. What's a good way to do this, seeing as I'm probably about to hurt his feelings and get him freaking out b/c of his family issue and stress from that?
I found this very uncomfortable, seeing as we went on one date and I only met him four days ago. And with starting a new job, I have a lot on my own plate between going to trainings and learning about my position and company. I haven't messaged him back yet, and thankfully, he does not know where I live or have any contact details for me, because I'm worried he's coming on way too fast.
Paraphrase this for him and I think you are good to go. There is nothing wrong with wanting to move on.
If someone I just met said this
"he needed me because one of his family members was ill and he wanted me to listen to him because I am a calming presence in his life and he doesn't know why, but he finds me to be that way."
it would be a little too much for me. I make myself available to friends for emotional and moral support who are part of my "inner circle"... it takes a bit of time and relationship building to get into that circle. Sure, I will listen, empathize, and talk with others who need to vent or lean on me but I simply wouldn't feel comfortable taking on the role of life support structure.
I recently made the decision to pursue dating a little more, and while on one of the free dating sites, I started to exchange messages with a guy we'll call "Sam." Sam seemed a little awkward, telling me after a few messages it was a breath of fresh air to meet someone like me, and messaging me daily to say good morning, have a good day, etc. But since he didn't present any major red flags in his messages to me (although I did think it was odd he was asking me for advice on what he should do for his college choice and career), I decided to try a brunch date with him last week. We went out, and while I'd say the time was fine, I was still neutral to him. But he wanted to see me again. I figured OK first dates can be a little awkward because people are nervous. So he suggested a picnic in a nearby park, telling me he was willing to do whatever made me happy. He has still kept up with the daily messages. I still wasn't falling for him, but I know "give him a chance" is the common advice. Since there was still no major red flag waving behavior, I tentatively accepted a date, as I've started a new part-time job and wasn't sure when I'd be working or having orientation.
However, yesterday Sam messaged me on the dating site (he does not have my phone number; this is an important detail) to say he needed me because one of his family members was ill and he wanted me to listen to him because I am a calming presence in his life and he doesn't know why, but he finds me to be that way. He also said looking forward to our date keeps him going and gives him something to look forward to. I found this very uncomfortable, seeing as we went on one date and I only met him four days ago. And with starting a new job, I have a lot on my own plate between going to trainings and learning about my position and company. I haven't messaged him back yet, and thankfully, he does not know where I live or have any contact details for me, because I'm worried he's coming on way too fast.
I'm now considering canceling my date with Sam and telling him we're not compatible. What's a good way to do this, seeing as I'm probably about to hurt his feelings and get him freaking out b/c of his family issue and stress from that?
Definitely cancel. I see many red flags here. One is that after one date, he says he is willing to do whatever makes you happy. That is something you should only be hearing from a guy after you are in a committed relationship, otherwise it is creepy and meant to lure you in.
Of course another huge red flag is him "needing you because you are a calming presence in his life."
I would suggest not telling him you aren't compatible. That may cause him to try very hard to prove to you that you are compatible, which could lead to more interactions. Whatever you say, make it something he can't counter, such as work or personal issues, or family matters, and leave it at that.
And most important, once you have sent that message, do not respond to any further messages from him. He will see any interaction as an open door to try to have more contact with you.
I recently made the decision to pursue dating a little more, and while on one of the free dating sites, I started to exchange messages with a guy we'll call "Sam." Sam seemed a little awkward, telling me after a few messages it was a breath of fresh air to meet someone like me, and messaging me daily to say good morning, have a good day, etc. But since he didn't present any major red flags in his messages to me (although I did think it was odd he was asking me for advice on what he should do for his college choice and career), I decided to try a brunch date with him last week. We went out, and while I'd say the time was fine, I was still neutral to him. But he wanted to see me again. I figured OK first dates can be a little awkward because people are nervous. So he suggested a picnic in a nearby park, telling me he was willing to do whatever made me happy. He has still kept up with the daily messages. I still wasn't falling for him, but I know "give him a chance" is the common advice. Since there was still no major red flag waving behavior, I tentatively accepted a date, as I've started a new part-time job and wasn't sure when I'd be working or having orientation.
However, yesterday Sam messaged me on the dating site (he does not have my phone number; this is an important detail) to say he needed me because one of his family members was ill and he wanted me to listen to him because I am a calming presence in his life and he doesn't know why, but he finds me to be that way. He also said looking forward to our date keeps him going and gives him something to look forward to. I found this very uncomfortable, seeing as we went on one date and I only met him four days ago. And with starting a new job, I have a lot on my own plate between going to trainings and learning about my position and company. I haven't messaged him back yet, and thankfully, he does not know where I live or have any contact details for me, because I'm worried he's coming on way too fast.
I'm now considering canceling my date with Sam and telling him we're not compatible. What's a good way to do this, seeing as I'm probably about to hurt his feelings and get him freaking out b/c of his family issue and stress from that?
Say something like this. You are finding out since starting your new job that you are so busy that you will not be available for dating in the near future. That while you'd still like to consider him a friend, that you are not an available friend. And wish him well.
ETA I agree with the above posters. This neediness and too much too soon type behavior is typical of people that you do not want to be in any kind of relationship with. Your gut instincts are right on...follow them always.
Thanks for all the responses so far! One thing I forgot to mention is that I feel Sam lied to me as well. He told me during our meeting that he was just looking to take his time with a woman and move slow, and then worry about family. And yet here he is four days later asking for my emotional availability.
I think he and I have very different definitions of "slow."
No matter how you phrase it or explain it when you end it, this type of person is not going to just let it go easily. He's not going to let go until he finds someone else to latch onto. So you are just going to have to maintain your resolve and have no further contact after you let him know.
Yup. Needy, clingy, potentially stalker-y. Tell him your new job has variable hours, they haven't settled on a schedule for you, and you're feeling a little overwhelmed what with trying to keep up with their schedule changes + dealing with household stuff. Tell him you're feeling stressed, and will have to get out of the dating pool for awhile. Sympathize with his problem he wanted to discuss, but tell him you're not in a position to help. Good luck. Block him if he gets weird.
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Run like the wind!
