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If it makes you feel any better, I also have concerning uterine issues that are known to complicate reproduction, have all my life (congenital anomaly). I got married later, started trying to conceive later, and ended up quickly pregnant without any medical intervention, and smooth sailing so far. I spent most of my thirties basically assuming that having biological children would be either not happening or would happen only with very costly intervention techniques. Didn't work out that way at all. You never know. Had I been in a big rush to "make it happen quickly," I'd have ended up having kids with an ex of mine, with whom I lived from 30-35, which would have been probably among the most disastrous, life-ruining of choices I could possibly have made. These are NOT decisions to make under intense self-pressure (and, it goes without saying, under the pressure of others). They're just not. Just my opinion.
It's always stupid to hold out for perfection. You won't find it. But it's also stupid to compromise on things necessary for fulfillment and happiness because you're focused on a clock you perceive as winding down. I really think the whole "Just quick have a kid with a guy who seems not too bad, and if it doesn't work out, hey, at least you got a kid out of the deal, then you can go out and find your mythical prince charming once you've checked off that box," is absolutely terrible advice, which I would hope the OP would recognize.
That's great, you must be so happy! See, just goes to show you never know, there are people who have no reproductive issues and cannot conceive for whatever reason, and there's people like you who conceive with no problem.
Lord knows I don't hold out for perfection, but that also doesn't mean I'm going to go scraping the bottom of the barrel.
If that's the case, I'd just have a kid with him and not get married. For me it's not so important to get married as it is to have a child, and in this day and age you don't need to be married to have children. The only reason I wouldn't want to go to a sperm bank is because I would want my child to have a father.
It sounds like she wants a dad (for the kid), but not necessarily a spouse/long-term partner.
Yes, exactly. I mean I would love to find a long-term partner, but having a child is more important to me. I don't even know if I really want to get married anyway, I would be happy to just live with someone and have a long term relationship, to me marriage is really just a piece of a paper, and if it doesn't work you avoid the hassle of going through the whole ordeal of a divorce.
It sounds like she wants a dad (for the kid), but not necessarily a spouse/long-term partner.
That's what I picked up on too. I think a very high percentage of men and women come to this crossroads in their life. I'm in it too, but I'm a man, so I have a little more time than a woman. It's something we all think about, because many people come to a point to where venturing life truly on their own is really not what it's cracked up to be.
Last edited by weezerfan84; 07-23-2015 at 10:55 AM..
Yes, exactly. I mean I would love to find a long-term partner, but having a child is more important to me. I don't even know if I really want to get married anyway, I would be happy to just live with someone and have a long term relationship, to me marriage is really just a piece of a paper, and if it doesn't work you avoid the hassle of going through the whole ordeal of a divorce.
I've known several women that have gone the sperm bank route. None have regretted it. Several also have since married and their children have been adopted, so they have dads.
But remember, that "hassle" of divorce also comes with many protections. I've also unfortunatley seen a few people live together for 8+ years without being marriage and when the relationships ended they got sc***ed where they wouldn't have with a divorce.
That's what I picked up on too. I think a very high percentage of men and women come to this crossroads in their life. I'm in it too, but I'm a man, so I have a little more time then a woman. It's something we all think about, because many people come to a point to where venturing life truly on their own is really not what it's cracked up to be.
Well I always knew I wanted to have a child at some point in my life. But I've been on my own for the better part of my life, and have always been pretty independent so I'm kinda used to it. Dating is fine, but getting serious with someone would be quite an adjustment for me since I've lived alone for almost 8 years now (and I think lots of guys pick up on this, and this might be why nothing long term ever comes about). So what I'm saying is, I'm okay with being on my own but I do want a child, and for the sake of the child I want there to be a father/dad in it's life.
But I've been on my own for the better part of my life, and have always been pretty independent so I'm kinda used to it. Dating is fine, but getting serious with someone would be quite an adjustment for me since I've lived alone for almost 8 years now (and I think lots of guys pick up on this, and this might be why nothing long term ever comes about).
I've been there, although the living alone part was more like 20 years. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to share my life with someone since I was so independent and set in my ways. Turns out I am. If and when you meet the right person, you will be willing to accommodate him in your life. You need to be open to it, though, so you don't give off the vibe that you're not.
BTW, I never cared if I got married, either, but that changed at the ripe old age of 45. And we don't even have kids.
Well I always knew I wanted to have a child at some point in my life. But I've been on my own for the better part of my life, and have always been pretty independent so I'm kinda used to it. Dating is fine, but getting serious with someone would be quite an adjustment for me since I've lived alone for almost 8 years now (and I think lots of guys pick up on this, and this might be why nothing long term ever comes about). So what I'm saying is, I'm okay with being on my own but I do want a child, and for the sake of the child I want there to be a father/dad in it's life.
Honestly, the bold statement is the serious issue/nonissue with independence. It's an issue because you're judged on it, but it's a nonissue because you can support yourself without the help of others.
It's usually why married people or taken people are targeted for rebounds. Someone has already "verified" them as being a person who can commit. People will turn a blind eye to the infidelity, because it's about the person, not how they had to obtain that person.
It's actually something a lot of my married friends or friends in long-term relationships have shared with me. You haven't had anyone serious in your life for the better part of 6 years. It's not that you didn't want to, you just weren't ready, and when you were, you were off the market for 4 years. Now, you're running into women just like you; however, they don't want to "give up" their independence. They either have a vast friend circle that fulfills most of their physical needs or they're just not interested. Then you have the women who have been in and out of relationships for 6 years and you have caught them at a time where they've sworn off men for a while. Sure, you could wait around for them to give you a chance, but that doesn't mean anything will develop. Then you have the women who are happily married or in relationships.
They've all mentioned that I'm just in a tough predicament and things will get better, but we have no idea when. You just have to wait it out and take care of the things you know you can in the meantime.
In some ways, I can definitely see how being long-term single and living completely on my own for 4 years has changed my perspective on things. Three years ago I met a really awesome woman for me, but I was so stubborn to live on my own and buy a house on my own that I sabotaged the relationship. Fast forward 2.5 years after the breakup and I have no house and no desire to buy one anytime soon. It's funny how our perceptions can turn almost on a dime.
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