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I'm not an extrovert. Quite the opposite. Social situations exhaust me. I don't look forward to them (they often give me anxiety if it is a planned event).
I do it anyway. The only other choice is to stay in my shell at home, which I could do happily (yay netflix)... I just don't see that as a viable option. And the thing with conversations being easy... most are, because most people want you to listen. Listening is really easy and doesn't take too much energy.
I guess this is a good point. I don't stay home as much as it would seem, although I do stay home much more than I would if i lived in a desirable city. I'd probably appear like an extrovert in that case in that I'd go to festivals, concerts, networking events, etc. It would be hard talking to strangers, but I would. Here, there's just not much to do. You have to really look for it and I'm tired of looking. Regardless, I'll go to a bar sometimes and sit by myself and watch football or go to dinner alone or something. I'm friendly, but rarely end up meeting anyone who i later hang out with. Just doesn't happen.
"Everyone wants rather to be pleasing to women and that desire is not altogether, though it is very largely, a manifestation of vanity. But one cannot aim to be pleasing to women any more than one can aim to have taste, or beauty of expression, or happiness; for these things are not specific aims which one may learn to attain; they are descriptions of the adequacy of one's living. To try to be happy is to try to build a machine with no other specification than that it shall run noiselessly."
Letter to his brother Frank (14 October 1929), published in Robert Oppenheimer : Letters and Recollections (1995) edited by Alice Kimball Smith, p. 136
Generally speaking, people in relationships want nothing to do with single people who are not dating anyone exclusively. Like seeks like.
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Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76
Why would married people not associate with singles not in a relationship?
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Originally Posted by weezerfan84
I wasn't invited or even given the opportunity to attend certain events through work. They tended to be couple exclusive and I couldn't fill that role. Even though I wanted to go, it didn't matter, because I wasn't the target audience they ere after.
I have recently pretty much lost one of my closest friends to her relationship. She is one of those who once she met someone forgot how hard it is to do so and now doesn't have time to get together because they are always doing things with their couple friends and I don't fit into that. Haven't hung out or really talked to two of my guy friends since they started dating their current girlfriends.
When my late hubby died, it did affect my friendships as I was no longer part of a couple in an all-couple world. I didn't fit into a dynamic anymore I'd once been a part of. My best friend have talked about this - couples gravitate to couples because once in a relationship, they lose a lot of the commonality they had with the single friend.
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Originally Posted by Chowhound
Well... ATlguy... I just pulled up your pics... you're a good looking guy... in shape, got your hair, snappy dresser....no kids, that is a plus with some women, you seem like a pretty bright guy..... I don't know why you're having such a rough time with it...
I would agree with this.
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Originally Posted by Atlguy39
You can't understand it unless you've lived here. To me, it feels like a clickish small town. Its not for lack of trying, trust me. I've tried, but now I'm just tired of trying and a little depressed.
I believe at one point you were considering Seattle as an option. I think you would find a similar attitude there as you do in OKC. Portland as well.
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Originally Posted by Atlguy39
I agree with you on Salsa. I have mixed feelings about it.
If the dance scene there is anything like here, you'd probably do well. Decent leads are few and far between here - at least with swing. I haven't ventured into salsa - but with swing, more and more women are learning the lead role so they have a chance to dance. However, given that any event I go to is about 80/20 w/m ratio, I suspect salsa is likely the same.
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Originally Posted by timberline742
I'm an introvert too.
Never would have guessed that. Just goes to show that people aren't always what they come across as online in real life.
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Originally Posted by Atlguy39
At 40, I got divorced and because of the "4" in front of my age, women no longer were interested (online, I mean).
Try being a woman with a "4" in front of your age on OLD sites.
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Originally Posted by Atlguy39
6'0" (women's minimum height requirement, which is ridiculous), etc.
I'd at least have coffee with you if you lived here, but you're too tall for me.
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Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Some women have a height requirement just like some men have a physique requirement. So not *that* different.
Yep, every man here seems to want a fit woman no older than 30, preferably 29 regardless of his age or the last time he stepped into a gym. I just chuckle when I see a morbidly obese man's profile that states you have to be HW proportionate and go to the gym at least 5 times a week. I suspect that my not having a perfect body and being over 40 is why I am virtually invisible online.
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Originally Posted by wanderlust76
A woman that is well off and can support herself has the absolute best options for finding a relationship. She should be swamped with dates because she can take one huge barrier out of the equation and just look for true love.
I am not finding this to be true. As a woman who can support myself, I am viewed as "too independent." If my life depending on being able to get a date, I'd be seriously screwed.
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Originally Posted by BellevueNative
Most of us would just like a man to be taller than us, because, again, it makes us feel womanly.
Yep. I find 5'8"- 5'9" to be ideal for me. My late hubby was 5'5."
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Originally Posted by Atlguy39
It may just be that I want it too bad and I need to just stop trying. Although I don't think that will get me anywhere either. Hmm...
This is where I am at. The few men I have dated, I have met when I wasn't trying or looking. I have never been successful at meeting someone when I tried.
OP, you listed reading as one of your hobbies. Why not try to find a coffee shop to hang out in on Saturday mornings instead of reading at home all the time? Or a bookstore like Barnes and Noble that has a cafe. I agree Meetup is a good way to make friends, but I wouldn't use it for dating purposes.
I would also suggest speed dating. Again, it's not likely the best way to meet someone (at least it isn't here, but we have a weird dating culture, to put it mildly), however, being an introvert myself, I find it a great way to practice talking to men. Date Switch is a good company - very well-organized and I know they operate in Atlanta if you move back there as I considered that as something to do while I was there on vacation.
Is there anything you are passionate about? Take up volunteering. That will get you out of the house and that is primarily dominated by women. I do not recommend doing it just to pick up someone however; if you meet someone that way, she's likely going to assume you are up for volunteering at future events so be genuine about it.
As others have said, maybe start watching games at a sports bar again. It's been awhile from the sounds of it, the crowd may have changed.
Co-ed rec leagues like kickball, softball, etc when your back feels better (soon, I hope!). Kickball is huge here.
I can agree with you on traveling. My idea of "solo" traveling is to meet up with a tour group when I get to my destination. And even that made me incredibly homesick the last time I did it, but I was gone for almost 3 weeks and when I envisioned my dream vacation, I never envisioned I would be taking it alone.
I believe at one point you were considering Seattle as an option. I think you would find a similar attitude there as you do in OKC. Portland as well.
If the dance scene there is anything like here, you'd probably do well. Decent leads are few and far between here - at least with swing. I haven't ventured into salsa - but with swing, more and more women are learning the lead role so they have a chance to dance. However, given that any event I go to is about 80/20 w/m ratio, I suspect salsa is likely the same.
I'd at least have coffee with you if you lived here, but you're too tall for me.
This is where I am at. The few men I have dated, I have met when I wasn't trying or looking. I have never been successful at meeting someone when I tried.
OP, you listed reading as one of your hobbies. Why not try to find a coffee shop to hang out in on Saturday mornings instead of reading at home all the time? Or a bookstore like Barnes and Noble that has a cafe. I agree Meetup is a good way to make friends, but I wouldn't use it for dating purposes.
I would also suggest speed dating. Again, it's not likely the best way to meet someone (at least it isn't here, but we have a weird dating culture, to put it mildly), however, being an introvert myself, I find it a great way to practice talking to men. Date Switch is a good company - very well-organized and I know they operate in Atlanta if you move back there as I considered that as something to do while I was there on vacation.
Is there anything you are passionate about? Take up volunteering. That will get you out of the house and that is primarily dominated by women. I do not recommend doing it just to pick up someone however; if you meet someone that way, she's likely going to assume you are up for volunteering at future events so be genuine about it.
As others have said, maybe start watching games at a sports bar again. It's been awhile from the sounds of it, the crowd may have changed.
Co-ed rec leagues like kickball, softball, etc when your back feels better (soon, I hope!). Kickball is huge here.
I can agree with you on traveling. My idea of "solo" traveling is to meet up with a tour group when I get to my destination. And even that made me incredibly homesick the last time I did it, but I was gone for almost 3 weeks and when I envisioned my dream vacation, I never envisioned I would be taking it alone.
Yeah, Seattle and Portland aren't really options, except t visit. I'd be a fish out of water in Portland too, I'm sure.
How tall are you? 6'0" is too tall for you?
I'm going to sign up for Salsa this weekend. I will also learn Swing as well in the dance package they're selling me.
I do plan to start trying out various coffee shops on weekends. Good suggestion.
I volunteer on the board of an animal charity. Not the right thing to do as far as meeting people. I need to do more hands on volunteering, but haven't figured out what exactly.
There is no longer any speed dating here. I tried that in the past. I would again if it comes back, but I must get better at small talk!
I think I'm done with the sports bars, but I get your point. Maybe once in a while I'll check them out again. I enjoy watching from home now that I have the NFL package. I got that because I was tired of watching alone at a bar. Better to just do that at home and save a little money. Oh well.
There is no longer any speed dating here. I tried that in the past. I would again if it comes back, but I must get better at small talk!
I've been hearing/reading a lot of people suggest improv classes to get better at conversation. It may seem like a nightmare for an introvert or someone who's anxious, but if you want to put yourself out there and think on your feet, it's great training. (And it follows Eleanor Roosevelt's "do one thing every day that scares you" advice.)
A lot of women like tall men because it makes them feel petite and feminine. ...Most of us would just like a man to be taller than us, because, again, it makes us feel womanly.
I understand the desire for women to feel feminine next to their man, and for men to feel masculine. What baffles me however, is why height so strongly connotes masculinity, while features such as heavy musculature evidently do not.
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Originally Posted by Atlguy39
And you're an extrovert, so conversations with strangers (men or women) is easy for you. Not so for me. America values extroverts the most.
It's not about being an extrovert or an introvert. It's about a feeling of detachment or connection with the human species. If we think of people as meat-machines whose job is to mow our lawns, serve our food, perform assigned tasks in the workplace, draw parts in CAD, write software, drive trucks, pave highways, defend borders, write op-ed pieces in newspapers, snap photographs, invent new integrated-circuits, or write the next great American novel, then whether their job is mundane or intellectually esoteric, whether their worth is nugatory or profound, they are mere means to a end. If we think of them as means to an end – however sophisticated or crucial that end might be – then we're going to struggle in our human interactions. We'll struggle in approaching, in initiating a relationship, in sustaining the relationship. If however we can somehow engender within ourselves the serious belief that people are irreducible to mere ends, we'll be able to build a rapport. Being introverted or extroverted is neither necessary nor sufficient for any of this.
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Originally Posted by homina12
I read her comment to mean that having a job doesn't make you datable, and not having one might be e reason not to date you. ....
Assuredly a man (or a woman) needs to be gainfully employed, self-sufficient, not mired in debt, and with reasonable balance between income and outlay. The lack of any of these places one at a disadvantage.
But my observation has been that if you're literally the wealthiest man in your village, 100 years ago, fathers would have been clamoring and competing amongst each other to marry their daughters off to you. Today that doesn't happen. So if you do manage to rise from middling-life to becoming the wealthiest man in your village, hey, that's splendid, but don't expect it to offer much advantage in dating.
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Originally Posted by Liberty2011
How did you go about meeting your first wife? You don't often see this issue with someone who has been previously married.
A friend of mine was set up by his parents. He recoiled at the very idea of such an introduction. I challenged him on this, and in reply, he handed to me the contact-info of the woman with whom he was to have been set up. I married her.
But were I not to have cultivated that friendship (with another guy), I'd never have met my eventual wife (and subsequently ex-wife). That friendship was possible because I was then of an age-bracket well-represented in one of my hobby-activities. Today pursuit of that activity would almost certainly not lead to such a friendship. Oh, and this was while I lived in Los Angeles. Things are more difficult in small-town Ohio.
I've been hearing/reading a lot of people suggest improv classes to get better at conversation. It may seem like a nightmare for an introvert or someone who's anxious, but if you want to put yourself out there and think on your feet, it's great training. (And it follows Eleanor Roosevelt's "do one thing every day that scares you" advice.)
I don't really get that suggestion. I've been involved with theater and improv for a long time, and they can be some of the cliquiest folks around. They can also be super awkward. A person who feels extremely comfortable onstage doesn't necessarily feel comfortable in social situations when the audience barrier is removed.
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"As I said, I don't go out with the intention of going out to meet women. I go out to go out and do stuff. Pretty simple."
