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JFC - I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad. Grief isn't easy to deal with, especially when it is compounded by having your life turned upside-down. When I got divorced (17 years ago) I didn't wait to find anyone to do things with. I went to the theater, movies, museums, etc by myself, or I would take my son if it was something that would interest him. Don't wait until your birthday to start your new life. What's wrong with tomorrow? The sooner, the better.
Even when I didn't feel like doing anything I would force myself because I wanted to show my son that I was responsible for my own happiness. If nothing else motivates you to get out and start creating a new life for yourself, then think about what a great example you will be setting for your kids. Teach them what a smart, independent woman acts like.
I havn't read all the replies, but I think things can not only start over at 40+, but can be possibly more rewarding than our relationships from our younger days. Of course, in addition to the loss of your father, you are coming out of a very long relationship. I believe your feelings are very natural, and are of the type many of us would be feeling. I stayed single for over two decades when my marriage ended. Not because I was broken-hearted over my ex-wife, nor because I couldn't have found someone if I had really tried. I met the woman I'm now with when I was 45 years old, and she is a few years older than myself. We plan to wed later this year. I say you should just try to stay busy, long enough to get through the natural grieving process, and the lenght of time that is, will be different for each of us. You may discover, as I did, that a period of freedom from being involved with another person isn't such a bad thing. But when you're ready for another romantic involvement, DON'T count yourself out. You can find happiness again, and I am confident that you will! I send you my best hopes and wishes!!
My relationship of 25 years came to the end just before christmas. At the same time my dear father passed away and I found my feelings all confused and jumbled up with grief. I was almost numb for a while. People at work confused that for me being able to cope...in a way so did I.
Thats why it was a suprise to find myself feeling so much pain now.
Now the real me is starting to resurface and I realise the pain of the relationship break up was hidden by the grief for my father and its just started to hit me hard.
I am 42 and to be honest quite lonely, I love my 3 children, but as teenagers they have their own lives, quite rightly so as well.
This weekend has been very bad. I Spent the time feeling down, dont know why....well, yes I do. It seems everyone else has a life except me!
Eldest (18) is with his GF (quite rightly so). Middle son (nearly 15) spent his weekend with his friends, Daughter (12) spent the weekend with my mum and her friends..
I just spent it doing housework!
I have come to the conclusion I am lonely, and it will get worse. I need to take a leaf out of my mums book.
She is 70 and yet she goes scottish dancing, badminton, Bowls, bridge etc...
I spend all my time alone and go no where. Hard when you suddenly find yourself single at 42! It was easier before, I had my dear father to think about, now he has passed I have nothing to fill my days, hence doing 20 hours overtime a week!
To make matters worse (and I know this shouldnt bother me...but it does, god how it does!)
My ex is happy, playing golf, going to the gym, out with his friends drinkng, eating. He is off to Portugal in May and then off to Dubai with friends in September. I resent the fact he dosnt miss the chidlren...or me! I suppose I wanted him to at least acknowledge the fact I meant something to him once (25 years is a lot of life to share with someone...isnt it)
Ok....so that was the weekend, I suppose its understandable I turned to food to help me feel better. Today is a new day, and I will try harder.
I am 43 on 24th March (Easter Monday) so I am making that the day my life will start. I am going to book up something for every saturday from then on. The only thing is I will have to do everything alone..as all my friends are in couples and although mean well, they have no time for a recently single lady...I am seen as a threat in some ways..they either think my unfortunateness will rub off on their relationship or I will poach their hubby! (which I wont!)
Anyway...going out alone is scary but not as scary as spending week after week alone watching the telly
Any advice appreciated
I was about your age, when I left my husband, well, a few years older, and yes indeed, don't you think for one moment life stops at 43 young lady.
While reading your testimony, couldn't help but think, God, I was there, I felt all those things...I actaully was so stressed at being alone...especially b/c I no longer had a child in my life...he was off living his own life...and rightfully so, as you say.
But, I will tell you something that someone told me and I thought at the time, they are absolutely nuts. "The longer your alone, the more you'll enjoy it". And it is so true.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized, I don't need a mate to make me happy...I'm the one that has to do that....now, how do I do that.
well, I started off with baby steps....first, stopping for dinner on the way home from work with a good book. then, I got the courage to go to a music fest by myself....then to movies....then, I started realizing, what I'd been missing. Not only going to movies and concerts, to Philly to see the Philadelphia Orchastra, but then I started renting rooms for the weekend at the shore....and then, I booked my own first vacation to the Bahamas "Alone". My God, I realized what I'd been missing in life...and now I didn't have to compromise and go where he wanted to go...I could choose, I actually got to choose, and actually started to realize, I need to give myself something to look forward to...I've gone on bus trips....by myself...and met the most marvolous fun couples...one of them are now my best friends....
I no longer look back...I make picnics for myself...I do exactely what couples do, only by myself....yes, at first it is difficult...but you've got to force yourself to do it...you see, it wasn't only starting to do things, go places and experience, through all this, I found myself, peace, knew who I was, and actaully started to love who I was, the independence the freedom, and with that, came a whole lot of other insight as well, like self awareness, why I made the choices I made....you stop blaming the other person, no matter how bad he was, and realize, hey, I chose him....no, I didn't ask to be treated like that, but I chose him....and my choice was bad....cause there were flags, many of them. Now, I took it one step further, I had to realize why I chose him...and on, and on.
you become so confident, cuz you know what you want, what makes you happy...you stop looking to others for approval to be happy...and ahhhhh yes, indeed there were people trying to hold me back, from going on vacation by myself....but I wouldn't listen...and I'm so thankful to God I didn't. I realized, the people who were trying to scare me and hold me back were people who never traveled in their lives...really...
if you sit back and wait for someone to come along and make you happy, it will never happen. It is no one's job to make you happy but yours. If you sit back and try and find a friend to go along with you, you'll never go, cuz most of your friends are married and live they're own lives and don't want to spend a girls weekend away.
You'll also find, that your married friends might back off, stop inviting you cuz your no longer married...that is their loss....if you were a man, they'd invite you to every blasted party they had....
Bottom line is, you will make new friends, find new interests and being single at 43 years old, is actually a God sent, b/c your older, wiser, more cautious...not as naieve, but still a kid at heart....you'll be surprised how happy you can be.....if you just start doing things on your own and not fear experience....go ahead, it's ok to be happy....we humans spend so darn much time looking for the negatives of why we should not do a thing...and for the approval of others to do it...to be happy....?????? Why...go make a list of things you've always wanted to do, small things at first, but start doing them and checking them off slowly, then reach a little higher with a new list....and just experience the God given life you were gifted...you don't need a man in your life to be successful....or to live.....
hugs and good luck
I surely hope I've been of some insight to you...
Please don't waste your 40s - you will be 50 soon enough!
You have to learn do to things by yourself, as others have suggested -- just get out there and do it! It's not easy going to a party by yourself, especially if you don't know anyone -- but just get into a group conversation and go from there..
Also, being alone can be wonderful, as creme said.
Please don't waste your 40s - you will be 50 soon enough!
You have to learn do to things by yourself, as others have suggested -- just get out there and do it! It's not easy going to a party by yourself, especially if you don't know anyone -- but just get into a group conversation and go from there..
Also, being alone can be wonderful, as creme said.
Libraries usually have the greatest book discussions....the group chooses a book, and then reads the book, then they get together to discuss it...it's so much fun.
I can't tell you how many times I've splurgged and gone to absolutely high end restaurants, hotels, motels and had a ball....I take a bottle of wine, or two....this past Christmas, I rented an ocean front home...made my own prime rib....and spent a lot of time talking and meeting the locals...you'll be shocked at how friendly people can really be....especially if you ask them questions about themselves...I've met couples who have invited me to dinner with them...people on the beach....and I've traveled all up and down the east coast....not to mention, out west, Arizona, Colorado, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas....I mean, you cannot believe how wonderful life CAN be....it's full of surprises and joy...so much joy....if we can only break away from the conditioning and I do mean conditioning, that we have to be married or a couple to do these things? Sheesh, it's so easy, yet, so darn complicated when you think about how loyal we always try to be for everyone else...Be loyal to you....be good to you, and enjoy who you are and where you can actually go. What, you say, you don't have the money, well, I will tell you, where there is a will, there is a way, and if you have to, get a part time job and stash the money just for travel. It's astounding.
I love to find beach cottages out of the way....rented by their owners...so much nicer then those touristy resorts....and so much more quiet.
you should give the kids to him. why when they leave they never seem to get the responsibilities of the children? ever watch she devil with rosanne barr? then you could do what you wanted. i amnot saying abandoning them, but really the men never get "stuck" with the kids. sure you would miss them but you could see them. it would just hinder him from doing all those things and make him responsible. a-hole!
Lots of great advice here. I'd like to add that this is an opportunity to pursue your dreams and passions. You don't have to wait until they leave home. The time to start is when they become self sufficient. And it seems they are all at that stage now. Ease into it, and when they're gone, you will have other things to help assuage the empty nest blues.
While the OP may not see it, it's valuable information for some of the rest of us. I'm 48 and single, and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I do know that I'd like to smack many of the hotels and resorts because of their ridiculous extra charges for staying as a single! It's as if "double occupancy" is the Holy Grail!
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....this past Christmas, I rented an ocean front home...made my own prime rib....and spent a lot of time talking and meeting the locals...you'll be shocked at how friendly people can really be....especially if you ask them questions about themselves...I've met couples who have invited me to dinner with them...people on the beach....and I've traveled all up and down the east coast....not to mention, out west, Arizona, Colorado, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas....I mean, you cannot believe how wonderful life CAN be....it's full of surprises and joy...so much joy....if we can only break away from the conditioning and I do mean conditioning, that we have to be married or a couple to do these things? Sheesh, it's so easy, yet, so darn complicated when you think about how loyal we always try to be for everyone else...Be loyal to you....be good to you, and enjoy who you are and where you can actually go. What, you say, you don't have the money, well, I will tell you, where there is a will, there is a way, and if you have to, get a part time job and stash the money just for travel. It's astounding.
