Is it really possible to start over in your 40's (how to, marriage)

[jfc]

My relationship of 25 years came to the end just before christmas. At the same time my dear father passed away and I found my feelings all confused and jumbled up with grief. I was almost numb for a while. People at work confused that for me being able to cope...in a way so did I.

Thats why it was a suprise to find myself feeling so much pain now.

Now the real me is starting to resurface and I realise the pain of the relationship break up was hidden by the grief for my father and its just started to hit me hard.

I am 42 and to be honest quite lonely, I love my 3 children, but as teenagers they have their own lives, quite rightly so as well.

This weekend has been very bad. I Spent the time feeling down, dont know why....well, yes I do. It seems everyone else has a life except me!

Eldest (18) is with his GF (quite rightly so). Middle son (nearly 15) spent his weekend with his friends, Daughter (12) spent the weekend with my mum and her friends..

I just spent it doing housework!

I have come to the conclusion I am lonely, and it will get worse. I need to take a leaf out of my mums book.

She is 70 and yet she goes scottish dancing, badminton, Bowls, bridge etc...

I spend all my time alone and go no where. Hard when you suddenly find yourself single at 42! It was easier before, I had my dear father to think about, now he has passed I have nothing to fill my days, hence doing 20 hours overtime a week!

To make matters worse (and I know this shouldnt bother me...but it does, god how it does!)
My ex is happy, playing golf, going to the gym, out with his friends drinkng, eating. He is off to Portugal in May and then off to Dubai with friends in September. I resent the fact he dosnt miss the chidlren...or me! I suppose I wanted him to at least acknowledge the fact I meant something to him once (25 years is a lot of life to share with someone...isnt it)

Ok....so that was the weekend, I suppose its understandable I turned to food to help me feel better. Today is a new day, and I will try harder.

I am 43 on 24th March (Easter Monday) so I am making that the day my life will start. I am going to book up something for every saturday from then on. The only thing is I will have to do everything alone..as all my friends are in couples and although mean well, they have no time for a recently single lady...I am seen as a threat in some ways..they either think my unfortunateness will rub off on their relationship or I will poach their hubby! (which I wont!)

Anyway...going out alone is scary but not as scary as spending week after week alone watching the telly

Any advice appreciated

[future1]

My condolences on your change in status-BUT this is a time to design your future-

My abusive marriage ended after 32 years with him giving nary a backwards glance-yep it would be nice if there was acknowledgement of the past history but it didn't happen in my case. My choices were to shrivel up or head into my future. I chose to build a future with MY choices based on My hopes and dreams. My children are grown and gone with busy lives of their own, yours are still home for a while but you need outlets for you.

Think of this time as painting a picture with a full palette-you get to choose what parts of your old world to keep and what new things to add. I found smiling attracts people and loneliness can lessen. Will it be easy? Probably not, but so very worthwhile. You will discover strengths you didn't know you had and smile at the silly things you didn't notice last year. My very best wishes for your journey, you will find lots of support and ideas from many here on the board. Come back often, someone is usually around to console and challenge you

[MainStreet]

jfc-

There are a few items in your dialogue that are concerning.

First, some background. I turn 46 the day after you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!!!! Seven years divorced, mother of one teen.

The first thing I would like to point out is that you are not starting over...this is a continuation, a new chapter of your life. This is just a section of the same journey and it's time to start thinking about it as that.

You need to completely over haul the way you think.

I can't address this loneliness because that has never been an issue with me. I thrive alone. Give me a yurt and an outhouse in the woods (and perhaps a no trespassing sign) and I would be fine. I've come to terms with people disappointing me over the years and have honed in on a customized life of absolutely no expectations. With no expectations, you are never disappointed and actually happily surprised on occasion.

When my daughter is with her father, or working, or with her friends. I read, read, read, and love my Netflix subscription; exhilarated by British comedies and old romances. Last night, it was Shirley Temple, lol.

I have a tiny studio in my laundry room with a sewing machine and craft table; although neglected now, Spring is around the corner and I get an itch to create something.

If you don't read anything else in my post NOTE THIS: The single most important thing that has helped me be my happiest is my constant acknowledgment of what I am grateful for.

"I am grateful for this wonderful day and warm temperature."
"I am grateful for my fantastic job and the income it provides me."
"I am grateful for this beautiful home and the shelter, safety, security and SOLITUDE it provides me."
"I am grateful for the health, happiness and safety of (and then I just go down the list of everyone I know and care about.)"

I am grateful for the happy and loving marriages of my loved ones.

I recited a long list, the same list every night when I lay down and it has completely removed insomnia from my life.

Instead of turning to food for comfort, make that food the best food. I have a slow cooker for stews and soups, a panini press for incredible hot sandwiches, and the most amazing Kitchen-Aid standing mixer. Buy nothing pre-prepared, make it all. Spring mix, humus, Greek flat bread, feta, pecans, fresh fruit; GET A JUICER! Take vitamins, supplements, thank the milk for being cold!

Don't compromise yourself....feel good saying no.

Volunteer.

No room for jealousy...your ex is traveling?....ah, hello!!!! Pack up those kids and visit college towns....there is a billion things you could be doing right now that don't require companionship.

Read your kids English assigned reading (currently we are on the Great Gatsby.)

I could go on and on and on and on.........

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by future1

My condolences on your change in status-BUT this is a time to design your future-

My abusive marriage ended after 32 years with him giving nary a backwards glance-yep it would be nice if there was acknowledgement of the past history but it didn't happen in my case. My choices were to shrivel up or head into my future. I chose to build a future with MY choices based on My hopes and dreams. My children are grown and gone with busy lives of their own, yours are still home for a while but you need outlets for you.

Think of this time as painting a picture with a full palette-you get to choose what parts of your old world to keep and what new things to add. I found smiling attracts people and loneliness can lessen. Will it be easy? Probably not, but so very worthwhile. You will discover strengths you didn't know you had and smile at the silly things you didn't notice last year. My very best wishes for your journey, you will find lots of support and ideas from many here on the board. Come back often, someone is usually around to console and challenge you

I completely agree with what I've bolded. Smiling is important. My daughter can tell me the most insignificant thing and we both end up belling laughing. Life is like one long stand up routine, you just have to be getting most of the oxygen you're taking in and open that mind up.

Smiling and 12% AlphaHydrox face cream! That's the ticket!

[Global Friend]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad and even though you are feeling sad and lonely over your split with you ex, I feel you can start new at anytime in your life. My grandmother past away when my grandfather was in his seventies and he started new and got remarried. I didn't like the woman but she made him happy and that's what counts.

Just remember things will get better over time and it's hard but keep fighting against letting yourself be depressed. It's a battle you can win but you have to think of the positives. When I start to feel down, I try to think of how lucky I am compared to others. Then think about all the great things in my life and in your case you have your kids and what sounds like a fun mom. You might not feel up to it but force yourself to do activities, find hobbies you enjoy, join groups etc...Volunteer, that always makes a person feel good and you can help others at the same time. I would take a break from men for awhile to find yourself and what makes YOU happy without depending on another person for that. Don't think about what your ex is doing, spend your time thinking about what you can be doing and then do it. Life is short and there's a lot of fun to be had, it's just up to you and believe me, you can have tons of fun in your forties and up. Good luck to you.

[RH1]

Originally Posted by jfc

I have come to the conclusion I am lonely, and it will get worse. I need to take a leaf out of my mums book.

She is 70 and yet she goes scottish dancing, badminton, Bowls, bridge etc...

I haven't been in your position, but from the above I think you know what you need to do, and Mainstreet's post is full of good ideas. This is all pretty new still though, so maybe you just need to give yourself a little bit more time. Some people bounce back quicker than others.

I don't think it will get worse at all, I think it'll get better.

[jfc]

Thank you for all your responses, I found them very uplifting and inspiring.

I long to travel and look forward to a day when I can do that, the problem with doing it now is that along with seperation from my partner comes debt. I really am living my life in such a way no money is wasted, but there is little over for fun.

I know that when the children have flown the nest I will have more financial freedom.

I am normaly a very optimistic upbeat person, in fact a few years ago I could have advised someone else to do the same as the posts on here. Its always harder to listen to your own advice though isnt it.

What I am finding particularly hard at the moment, is valentines day is round the corner, cards, flowers romantic suggestions of how to spend that day are everywhere...it somehow exagerates being alone. I will find it the same on fathers day too...missing 2 of the most important men in my life

I know I will wake up one morning and feel its ok..and no longer hurts but its still too fresh at the moment.

Thanks again everyone

I will catch up on some of the other threads on here...looks a nice place to hang out and make friends

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by jfc

Thank you for all your responses, I found them very uplifting and inspiring.

I long to travel and look forward to a day when I can do that, the problem with doing it now is that along with seperation from my partner comes debt. I really am living my life in such a way no money is wasted, but there is little over for fun.

I know that when the children have flown the nest I will have more financial freedom.

I am normaly a very optimistic upbeat person, in fact a few years ago I could have advised someone else to do the same as the posts on here. Its always harder to listen to your own advice though isnt it.

What I am finding particularly hard at the moment, is valentines day is round the corner, cards, flowers romantic suggestions of how to spend that day are everywhere...it somehow exagerates being alone. I will find it the same on fathers day too...missing 2 of the most important men in my life

I know I will wake up one morning and feel its ok..and no longer hurts but its still too fresh at the moment.

Thanks again everyone

I will catch up on some of the other threads on here...looks a nice place to hang out and make friends

Valentine's Day....again...remember what I said about expectations...

I've treated myself better alone than any man has ever treated me on a holiday. Maybe I didn't deserve it....HECK YES I DID! Unfortunately, anyone in my life that valued me, wasn't in the position to be my Valentine.

It's a matter of valuing yourself.

[jfc]

BBC - MESSAGE BOARDS - Radio 1 - Sons been kicked out so we all followed - Conversation

How it all came about makes me too sad going over it all again

[jfc]

BBC - MESSAGE BOARDS - Radio 1 - Sons been kicked out so we all followed - Conversation