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My girlfriend and I have been together for 14 years but it's kind of open relationship. The rules always were that we would never live together since I'm very protective of my personal space and we could see other as long as it was just casual and we kept it discreet.
It basically means that our relationship is the main thing but it doesn't prevent either of us from going out of having a fling with someone. I've had sex with lots of other women during the years even though on a personal level my girlfriend is the woman I want to be with.
We were always careful but accidents happen to even the most cautions people and she got pregnant. I wanted her to have an abortion at first but she said it was our baby and she didn't want to. I eventually warmed up to the idea even though I reminded her our rules would still be in place and we would never live together.
She didn't feel okay last week and called me. We went to the doctor only to find out the baby had died. She was 23 weeks pregnant and she had to go through an horrible process to expell the fetus. She hasn't stopped crying since. I've moved in to her house to support her but she wants me to leave...she says I'm probably happy this happened.
I'm not sure if it's just the hormones and emotions speaking or if she's really serious. I mean, everything has been perfect over this 14 years, we can't simply call it a day after something that can happen to pregnant women.
She has said I'm insensitive and have never truly loved her but I tried not take this to heart since she's very distressed.
Yes, you absolutely can call it a day, because she's angry and grieving. She wants you out of her house, where you explicitly said you never wanted to be anyway. Get out and give her the space you hold so dear for yourself. You don't get to dictate how she grieves. This happened last week? Jesus, get over yourself.
It's been a week. This is one of the most traumatic experiences for most people to go through. Let her mourn. Let yourself mourn.
Yes, I know this is all very recent and she was quite advanced in her pregnancy, which probably makes it even worse.
One thing I didn't say is that we had a big argument a few days before the miscarriage. It was over a minor thing but my temper is hot and the discussion blew out of proportion. She said something like "this is not good for the baby" and I said "I don't even know if that bloody kid is mine".
A completely stupid thing to say and I apologised right after I calmed down but she stayed upset anyway.
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The rules always were that we would never live together since I'm very protective of my personal space and we could see other as long as it was just casual and we kept it discreet.
So um...you are suddenly interested in changing the rules? She is supposed to accept that that is all she wants too, for the rest of her life, without ever cutting you loose?
What? I'm confused?
She is allowed to change her mind, and look for something more than the wonderment of you, you know. If you haven't changed your mind, move along and find someone else that in this moment doesn't want all that much from you. Its no biggie.
For women, that child is a reality at all levels when they find out they are pregnant. For us men, it "really" doesn't become a reality until the day they are born. As such, I do not think guys fully understand the just how traumatic this experience can be.... we will never understand.
Is this the first time she has been pregnant? I've noticed that women's views can change drastically after their first pregnancy. They realize their want or need to have a child... as well as recognize their mortality and biological clock. Add this to your notion that you would never live together makes for a situation where she can very well be re-thinking her life and whether or not you are best for her. She may now want to have a child and have a desire to "nest" (create a good environment for that child)... and you may not be able to provide it.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 14 years but it's kind of open relationship. The rules always were that we would never live together since I'm very protective of my personal space and we could see other as long as it was just casual and we kept it discreet.
It basically means that our relationship is the main thing but it doesn't prevent either of us from going out of having a fling with someone. I've had sex with lots of other women during the years even though on a personal level my girlfriend is the woman I want to be with.
We were always careful but accidents happen to even the most cautions people and she got pregnant. I wanted her to have an abortion at first but she said it was our baby and she didn't want to. I eventually warmed up to the idea even though I reminded her our rules would still be in place and we would never live together.
She didn't feel okay last week and called me. We went to the doctor only to find out the baby had died. She was 23 weeks pregnant and she had to go through an horrible process to expell the fetus. She hasn't stopped crying since. I've moved in to her house to support her but she wants me to leave...she says I'm probably happy this happened.
I'm not sure if it's just the hormones and emotions speaking or if she's really serious. I mean, everything has been perfect over this 14 years, we can't simply call it a day after something that can happen to pregnant women.
She has said I'm insensitive and have never truly loved her but I tried not take this to heart since she's very distressed.
Any advice, especially from the ladies?
She has finally wised up to the fact that you are a selfish jerk. Good for her!
Yes, I know this is all very recent and she was quite advanced in her pregnancy, which probably makes it even worse.
One thing I didn't say is that we had a big argument a few days before the miscarriage. It was over a minor thing but my temper is hot and the discussion blew out of proportion. She said something like "this is not good for the baby" and I said "I don't even know if that bloody kid is mine".
A completely stupid thing to say and I apologised right after I calmed down but she stayed upset anyway.
So, let me get the facts. You've been "with her" for 14 years - even though you have told her that you will never live with her, never marry her, and that even though you were going to have a child with her (after you stopped pressuring her to have an abortion) you still would never live with her and never marry her. And shortly before she miscarried at 23 weeks, you told her that you weren't sure if the baby was even yours.
And she has the NERVE to call you insensitive and to question your love for her? Sheesh.
She said something like "this is not good for the baby" and I said "I don't even know if that bloody kid is mine".
Only one of those two statements shows genuine concern and the other is spiteful. You really need to do something to make up for that... that was pretty darn hurtful.
The rules always were that we would never live together since I'm very protective of my personal space and we could see other as long as it was just casual and we kept it discreet.
So um...you are suddenly interested in changing the rules? She is supposed to accept that that is all she wants too, for the rest of her life, without ever cutting you loose?
What? I'm confused?
She is allowed to change her mind, and look for something more than the wonderment of you, you know. If you haven't changed your mind, move along and find someone else that in this moment doesn't want all that much from you. Its no biggie.
Things had been going great but it all changed when she got pregnant. I don't want to change the rules but regardless of everything, she was pregnant with a child of mine and it's my duty to support her. She's in no condition to be by herself at this point.
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