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There's a girl that I've known for a few years who is confusing the hell out of me. I've always been there for her. I've helped when she's gone through breakups, when her mother had cancer and when her house was vandalized and all her stuff was stolen.
I care about her a lot and I've done many things for her, like dropping off soup when she's sick or sending her flowers. She knows that I care for her and we've talked about dating, but when it comes up, she's either not looking to date anyone, or she's already dating someone. But she says that she would date me when the time is right. What does that even mean?
Recently, I told her that I feel like I'm always second best because she only spends time with me when she doesn't have other plans. She says she's busy, and wishes I could understand that she can’t spend time with everyone. The thing is, she gets along with me far better than she ever has done with any of her boyfriends. From everything she's told me about them, they're no good at all. They're not even good people.
It came to a head recently. She went for a pre-dawn bike ride and had a mechanical problem. She called me and I rode 10 miles out on the trail to bring her a spare part and coffee.
We watched the sunrise together. I invited her out for breakfast, but she told me the guy she's dating was still asleep at her apartment and she didn’t want him to wake up without being there.
I said it was the last straw. The last thing I said to her was, “The next time you’re in trouble, call the guy you’re sleeping with, not me. Or better yet, just don’t call me again.” I haven't returned her calls, texts or emails.
It's not that I don't want to have anything to do with her but I can't continue being the guy that she uses whenever she has a problem. I've shown her time and time again that I care about her and that I'd be a great boyfriend, but now I'm starting to feel like a fool for ever thinking that someone who dates losers and who uses me to "fill in the gaps" (as I put it to her) would take me seriously.
I've spoken to a couple of her friends about this, but all they do is try to find ways to make out like I'm in the wrong. No matter what I say or how I put it, it's somehow got to be my fault.
And what does she mean by "when the time is right"? Why is now not the right time? The more I think about that, the more it sounds like she feels that one day there will be a time when it's right, but if I'm still the same person then what is she doing with people who are unsuitable? Why would she waste time with them when she's got me right on her doorstep? What is she waiting for?
What is she getting from these other guys that she's not getting from me? Whatever it is that she would get from me, why doesn't she want it now? And the question that really makes me wonder is, if I'm such a great guy (as she says) then why would she risk me finding someone else by the time she's "ready"? Does she really think I'm going to stick around? She's been sending me emails and texts, but in none of them has she expressed any desire to be with me romantically, which tells me that she's not scared of losing that possibility. It just seems like she wants to keep me around as a pet or something.
While it is good that you spoke up about your feelings regarding her as well as that you would like to be her boyfriend, it is time that you moved forward. Do not let her to put you on the back burner.
Let her come to you if she wants to date you. Put the ball in her court.
Continue not answering her e-mails.
Live your life. Get involved in other activities. If she contacts you, and you area busy, let her know that. Her reaction as well as her actions will let you know exactly what she wants and how she feels about you.
Sounds like she sees you as a friend and nothing more. If that's not ok with you then you need to cut all ties. If you are ok with it, then be her friend maybe ask her to set you up with one of her friends.
There's a girl that I've known for a few years who is confusing the hell out of me. I've always been there for her. I've helped when she's gone through breakups, when her mother had cancer and when her house was vandalized and all her stuff was stolen.
I care about her a lot and I've done many things for her, like dropping off soup when she's sick or sending her flowers. She knows that I care for her and we've talked about dating, but when it comes up, she's either not looking to date anyone, or she's already dating someone. But she says that she would date me when the time is right. What does that even mean?
Recently, I told her that I feel like I'm always second best because she only spends time with me when she doesn't have other plans. She says she's busy, and wishes I could understand that she can’t spend time with everyone. The thing is, she gets along with me far better than she ever has done with any of her boyfriends. From everything she's told me about them, they're no good at all. They're not even good people.
It came to a head recently. She went for a pre-dawn bike ride and had a mechanical problem. She called me and I rode 10 miles out on the trail to bring her a spare part and coffee.
We watched the sunrise together. I invited her out for breakfast, but she told me the guy she's dating was still asleep at her apartment and she didn’t want him to wake up without being there.
I said it was the last straw. The last thing I said to her was, “The next time you’re in trouble, call the guy you’re sleeping with, not me. Or better yet, just don’t call me again.” I haven't returned her calls, texts or emails.
It's not that I don't want to have anything to do with her but I can't continue being the guy that she uses whenever she has a problem. I've shown her time and time again that I care about her and that I'd be a great boyfriend, but now I'm starting to feel like a fool for ever thinking that someone who dates losers and who uses me to "fill in the gaps" (as I put it to her) would take me seriously.
I've spoken to a couple of her friends about this, but all they do is try to find ways to make out like I'm in the wrong. No matter what I say or how I put it, it's somehow got to be my fault.
And what does she mean by "when the time is right"? Why is now not the right time? The more I think about that, the more it sounds like she feels that one day there will be a time when it's right, but if I'm still the same person then what is she doing with people who are unsuitable? Why would she waste time with them when she's got me right on her doorstep? What is she waiting for?
What is she getting from these other guys that she's not getting from me? Whatever it is that she would get from me, why doesn't she want it now? And the question that really makes me wonder is, if I'm such a great guy (as she says) then why would she risk me finding someone else by the time she's "ready"? Does she really think I'm going to stick around? She's been sending me emails and texts, but in none of them has she expressed any desire to be with me romantically, which tells me that she's not scared of losing that possibility. It just seems like she wants to keep me around as a pet or something.
Dysfunction seeks dysfunction.
You are both dysfunctional. She is only attracted to guys who don't treat her well. This is because she had some messed up things going on when she was a kid. She can't really help it. Those are just the kinds of guys she is attracted to . She would like to be attracted to you, which is why she says sometime in the future if things are right. She's not attracted to you however. You are good on paper, but she just can't get herself worked up over you because you just don't do it for her.
Your part of the dysfunction is waiting around and being interested in a girl who is not interested in you. Something happened in your childhood, more than likely something your mom did to mess you up, that makes you attracted to a girl like this. Normal guys with healthy mindsets would have sent her loose a long time ago.
This is a losing proposition for you if you want to be anything more than just a convenient friend for her. You need to develop the ability to go for girls who like decent guys and who are available to be with those kinds of guys.
Guys like you are what happens when boys grow up without strong, healthy male role models in their lives.
For whatever reason, it sounds like she is not attracted to you.
You are right to move on. But don't be angry at her for taking advantage of a relationship you also had a part in just because it wasn't exactly the type of relationship YOU wanted.
For whatever reason, it sounds like she is not attracted to you.
You are right to move on. But don't be angry at her for taking advantage of a relationship you also had a part in just because it wasn't exactly the type of relationship YOU wanted.
You said don't be angry at her for taking advantage of me.
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