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This of course sucks. No two ways about it..... But how does it occur??? You don't see any of this in the courtship phase and then say "I do" and the guy becomes a jerk???
There was another odd thing about it [like it wasn't all weird enough already]. He was from CA, I was from MO. I didn't meet any of his family until after we were married. His parents were total sweeties, and his brothers - 4 older ones - were all apparently what I'd expected him to be: steady, reliable, hard-working, trustworthy. My first hint there was something off was this, he'd told a lot of stories about his teen years, racing motorcycles. He knew all the right words, the right tracks, yada yada. Just before we arrived at his parents place, he said not to mention anything about the bike racing around them, it had worried them so much and they hadn't liked it but didn't want to 'interfere' with his life. Turned out he didn't want me to say anything because it was one of his brothers who'd been the racer, parents were proud as punch of him and still had his trophies on display. It wasn't that there weren't things my husband was good at, he just wasn't interested in doing the things he COULD do - they were boring.
Wow, you ladies just made me re-live my 2nd marriage and all the horrible feelings I used to have. The emotional led to physical abuse. All I could do was keep myself sane by saying "someday I will be able to get out of here." After 15 years that day came when my mother died and I told the "ex" I was going to go take care of my dad no matter what he the ("ex") said. I was able to enlist the aid of a co-worker to help me move my stuff out one weekday that the ex was at work and never looked back. I was safe at last! Dad was here to protect me and everyone at work knew what the situation was so when he called or showed up, I was "not there". Even my dad said he had no idea where I was. I filed for divorce, he never showed...divorced! Happy day!
I ended up marring my co-worker who helped me. A wonderful guy with no baggage, a batchelor!!! My dad loved him! I fortunatly have a pretty happy ending to the most rotten time I had being married to #2!!! I wish every abused spouse whether it be mental, physical or both, the good fortune that I have been blessed with. Some day, some way I hope you find your way to "escape".
I was raped by my first ex and yet the second one, who emotionally abused me, was worse IMO. It took me a lot longer to accept and like myself again after leaving #2.
And like was said here earlier, "spousal rape" didn't exist till recently. So where do you go to get help for a non-problem?
The first one also said I was too non adventurous in bed, he liked inviting someone over and I said no to that. Any good wife would have said yes, is what I was told. They make you believe the failure of the relationship is completely your fault over and over, till you relent and agree with them or get beaten into agreeing. I think if you talked to everyone out there who has been or is in an abusive relationship, you'd find many things that match. There are patterns and similarities but yet when you tell someone they should not be with a certain type person, no one listens. I suppose we like to learn the hard way. I'm afraid spousal abuse will never end and there are women who do it to men and it must be even harder for men to get help or to leave an abusive relationship.
I was raped by my first ex and yet the second one, who emotionally abused me, was worse IMO. It took me a lot longer to accept and like myself again after leaving #2.
And like was said here earlier, "spousal rape" didn't exist till recently. So where do you go to get help for a non-problem?
The first one also said I was too non adventurous in bed, he liked inviting someone over and I said no to that. Any good wife would have said yes, is what I was told. They make you believe the failure of the relationship is completely your fault over and over, till you relent and agree with them or get beaten into agreeing. I think if you talked to everyone out there who has been or is in an abusive relationship, you'd find many things that match. There are patterns and similarities but yet when you tell someone they should not be with a certain type person, no one listens. I suppose we like to learn the hard way. I'm afraid spousal abuse will never end and there are women who do it to men and it must be even harder for men to get help or to leave an abusive relationship.
Yes, indeed there are patterns....and to boot, anyone, who jumps in and out of relationships constantly, has serious problems.
the tool of a skilled divorce lawyer attempting get a heavy settlement?
sorry i just read "how to eat your mate for fun & profit" by Judy J. Tarantula,
loved it. but i must admit it does get lonely on the leaf all by myself
from time to time.
I felt so bad after "rolling in the hay" with 3 guys I had judged as passive-aggressive control freak. My close relatives were so pist off at me for doing it too and they were very concerned about how burnt and damaged I had become. Thankfully I am feeling much better. It took about 9 months to get over most of the toxic feelings.
It really isn't a surprise that a passive aggresive person doesn't send you message of rejection the first time around. You know they drop clues to make you feel guilty or ashamed of yourself. They keep you thinking you are friends or in a relationship and find all sorts of psychological ways to make you feel like a bag of dirt.
Suddenly the worst is brought out in you. And you might even think wow, I was such a pleasent and normal person before I got involved with so and so.
Control freaks can change you. But when you leave them or avoid them you revert back to your old self again but that takes time and healing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grasonville
No sane person BEGINS a relationship with the passive/aggressive control freak emotional abuser.
It starts slowly.
The pattern of behavior on the part of the abuser is designed to draw the abused deeper and deeper into the relationship - another aspect of this is the "crazy making" that the abusers implement (so that the abused is constantly questioning there OWN sanity)
And NO ONE said it is a strictly male abuser/female abused situation.
Yes, indeed there are patterns....and to boot, anyone, who jumps in and out of relationships constantly, has serious problems.
Relationships aren't what one jumps in and out of, those are more commonly known as one night stands. A relationship is generally defined as a monogamous pairing, with the intent to stay paired. It doesn't actually matter how long it lasts or doesn't last, what matters is the intent. It's entirely possible to intend to remain with a particular person the rest of one's life, and suddenly find oneself running like a scalded cat to the nearest shelter and a divorce lawyer. Unfortunately, by the time it gets to that point, the victimized spouse has usually been brain-washed into thinking it's all their fault, and has been cut off from all friends and family that might help.
I met a woman a few years ago who'd caught her husband getting it on with their 14 year old baby sitter. She wasn't the kind to put up with that and threw him out, and went outside to tell him not to come back. Big mistake. He drove over her with his truck and broke her back, and said later if she'd just let him alone things would have been fine. As soon as she got out of the hospital and finished with physical therapy, she packed up the kids and moved across the country. That wasn't exactly a relationship she just jumped out of, it was initially intended to last until death did them part. He just tried to hurry it along. And I don't think the problem was hers, either.
Emotional abuse is sometimes subtle. Like "Ah, I was just kidding, you are too sensitive".
If soemone repeatedly says things to you that hurt, THAT is abuse. It can sometimes be worse than physical for a person's self-esteem. That is why people should think before they speak, talk less, listen more.
WOW, I have to say how fast some of us jump to judge, from a story given by a 3rd person perspective. The person posting has given one side of this whole story, and it is not even that of the wife in this... and some of you jump straight to calling this man, everything from a wife beater, to a immature jerk. I think you need to leave your baggage at the door and come into this sorta thing wanting to know more facts.. from what we have its very vague, and does not in any way show emotional abuse.
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Ugh...
Relationships aren't what one jumps in and out of, those are more commonly known as one night stands. A relationship is generally defined as a monogamous pairing, with the intent to stay paired. It doesn't actually matter how long it lasts or doesn't last, what matters is the intent. It's entirely possible to intend to remain with a particular person the rest of one's life, and suddenly find oneself running like a scalded cat to the nearest shelter and a divorce lawyer. Unfortunately, by the time it gets to that point, the victimized spouse has usually been brain-washed into thinking it's all their fault, and has been cut off from all friends and family that might help.
