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"Death do us part" is based on the assumption that you both will be putting in a good faith effort to do what is best for your partner.
He hasn't done that.
You're right. It has taken an act of Congress to get him to do any emotional work. It took me 2 years to get him to listen to the 5 Love Languages audio edition!!!
Unfortunately you already know what you need to do but are too afraid to make a move and that's okay to take your time. Sounds like there may be some co-dependency issues going on as well as his addiction to porn and being a pathological liar. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I know from personal experience that nothing changes until we make the change. Good luck!
Yes, I would say that I am co-dependent. Is that a bad thing? We have had a cycle of this before, but I've never gone this far and felt so done before.
I have had some anxiety since all of this mess started. I'm just scared. I question myself and my choices. I envy people who have the gift of decisiveness. I look at every angle of the situation and weigh the pros and cons. I try to accept people as they are because no one is perfect. I have a very hard time giving up on people. This is the first time I've never wanted to put any work in. My husband said, what about the vows, what about working through things? Now your just gonna jump ship?...I feel so guilty.
"Working through things"? After 13 years of lies, porn and very little, if any, affection, he suddenly want's to "work it out"?
You guys were too young and married for the wrong reasons. You're not a good match. It's ok to say, "We made a mistake 13 years ago, no point in dragging it out any longer".
He wants to "work it out" because he's afraid no one would have him. He's afraid of being alone.
"Working through things"? After 15 years of lies, porn and very little, if any, affection, he suddenly want's to "work it out"?
You guys were too young and married for the wrong reasons. You're not a good match. It's ok to say, "We made a mistake 13 years ago, no point in dragging it out any longer".
He wants to "work it out" because he's afraid no one would have him. He's afraid of being alone.
I would say...yes to everything that you've said. You are on it lady! My confidence level now is on the decline, but that will improve over time. Do you have any financial suggestions for getting out? I thought about staying for awhile to save money, but i don't know it's that's the best option.
People do change. If they sincerely want to and work on it.
However, I don't think that he will change into a completely different person and suddenly all your issues are gone. He might change a little but not 180 degrees.
You really want to spend the rest of your life with that person? You are still pretty young, get out now and you can still find happiness with a man you have a really good connection with. You have another 40+ years to life, don't waste it on the wrong guy, who keeps up your hope with empty promises.
I have had some anxiety since all of this mess started. I'm just scared. I question myself and my choices. I envy people who have the gift of decisiveness. I look at every angle of the situation and weigh the pros and cons. I try to accept people as they are because no one is perfect. I have a very hard time giving up on people. This is the first time I've never wanted to put any work in. My husband said, what about the vows, what about working through things? Now your just gonna jump ship?...I feel so guilty.
The thing is, he wants you to feel guilty. He is probably trying to manipulate you into thinking that all the troubles are YOUR fault. I totally understand. Been there, done that. With my first marriage, I was married for 6 years. I won't go into the gory details about what was wrong with my marriage. I didn't want to admit that I made a mistake by marrying the wrong person. But, I had reached the point where it was intolerable and I didn't want to continue living the way we were. I did give him an ultimatum and I KNEW if he didn't live up that ultimatum, I was gone. I HAD to stick to that. If I didn't I would have lost any self respect I had. Well, he didn't and I remember leaving the house, getting into the car with tears in my eyes and seeing him come out of the house watching me leave. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I knew I HAD to do that for my own sanity. One thing that I kept telling myself, "That which doesn't break you, makes you stronger." And it didn't break me and it did make me stronger.
The thing is, he wants you to feel guilty. He is probably trying to manipulate you into thinking that all the troubles are YOUR fault. I totally understand. Been there, done that. With my first marriage, I was married for 6 years. I won't go into the gory details about what was wrong with my marriage. I didn't want to admit that I made a mistake by marrying the wrong person. But, I had reached the point where it was intolerable and I didn't want to continue living the way we were. I did give him an ultimatum and I KNEW if he didn't live up that ultimatum, I was gone. I HAD to stick to that. If I didn't I would have lost any self respect I had. Well, he didn't and I remember leaving the house, getting into the car with tears in my eyes and seeing him come out of the house watching me leave. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I knew I HAD to do that for my own sanity. One thing that I kept telling myself, "That which doesn't break you, makes you stronger." And it didn't break me and it did make me stronger.
Cat
Wow. Sounds like it was tough. Sorry you had to go through that. I just found out today that I'm out of a job for next year. I just don't know what to do. To be honest I didn't really enjoy the job that much, I just really liked the flexibility and time off. I could tell my husband is enjoying my misery just a bit. He's trying to be Mr. Charming, but I see through him. I really want to give in. I feel like I need to be taken care of. My life seems like it's falling apart! My faith is being tested.
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