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Hello. I've been with my husband for 13 yrs and I want a divorce. We have had intimacy issues and trust issues for most of our marriage. We've never really made love before. Our relations were always shaped porn. My husband has always had a heavy habit. That habit turned into trying more things wasn't good for our relationship. He also has always had a bad habit of lying...about anything. He just lies to lie. So I don't really trust him. I'm just tired of this. He doesn't want a divorce , but I fear things will never change. I'm still yiung (early 30s) and want a real connection. He says he will change. My experience says he won't. Am I being to pessimistic?
Change is difficult. .. not impossible. .. but difficult. He is going to have to want to change and motivate himself to do so. Most cannot....
Myexperience is that communication is fundamental for a relationship. He lies which is counter to that.... how do you know he is not lying about wanting to change. I would be more concern about the lack of trust and the lying than the porn.
He won't change. It sounds like he has an addiction that he's not willing to face. At this stage in life, he won't be able to become a completely different person, unless he sincerely wants to make a radical change and get a lot of counseling to make it happen. Even so, it would take years.
OP, people on this forum will ask you why you married him in the first place, and whether you saw any of these characteristics before you married him. Was sex like porn during the courtship? I just thought we might as well get that out of the way, since it inevitably comes up on threads like this.
But I don't think you should give in to his promises of change. It doesn't seem realistic given all the circumstances you've outlined. He could even fake being serious, by signing up for counseling and pretending to behave better, or whatever, but I doubt that fundamental, meaningful change could take place in this case.
Change is difficult. .. not impossible. .. but difficult. He is going to have to want to change and motivate himself to do so. Most cannot....
Myexperience is that communication is fundamental for a relationship. He lies which is counter to that.... how do you know he is not lying about wanting to change. I would be more concern about the lack of trust and the lying than the porn.
Ah, right--the compulsive lying. He's the kind of guy who would game the therapist, if he did go into counseling. IMO he's too messed up a case to work with. He would need to acknowledge his habit of lying, as well as everything else, and deeply, genuinely, want to change and resolve the deep-seated causes of all this dysfunctional behavior in order to make a real go of the marriage, and that's not likely to happen.
He won't change. It sounds like he has an addiction that he's not willing to face. At this stage in life, he won't be able to become a completely different person, unless he sincerely wants to make a radical change and get a lot of counseling to make it happen. Even so, it would take years.
OP, people on this forum will ask you why you married him in the first place, and whether you saw any of these characteristics before you married him. Was sex like porn during the courtship? I just thought we might as well get that out of the way, since it inevitably comes up on threads like this.
But I don't think you should give in to his promises of change. It doesn't seem realistic given all the circumstances you've outlined. He could even fake being serious, by signing up for counseling and pretending to behave better, or whatever, but I doubt that fundamental, meaningful change could take place in this case.
We married really young. We didn't have anyone else except each other. We became dependent on each other for survival. We got married because it just seemed like the next step, not because we knew each was the one. He has very good qualities like being a hard worker, making sure all the repairs are made, being responsible with money, he's considerate, polite, friendly, patient etc.
However, he did lie when we got together. He would lie so I would like him or so I wouldn't be mad at him. The sex was awkward. I never really felt like he wanted me in a got to have you way. He was never overly affectionate. If we were on the couch, he would be on one end and me on the other. He would tell me affection was like a snickers bar, its nice, but he doesn't need it.
I overlooked alot because I thought he was just shy and I could help him be more exploratory and I could help him out of his shell, which I did some. Fast forward to now, he said he didn't need counseling because he didn't think there was a problem. I have spent alot of my mental and emotional effort trying to help this man and school him in being a real partner. Unfortunately, I'm tired and just don't want to do it anymore.
He said he doesn't want me to leave because he didn't want to be alone or broke. Today he says he loves me and we made vows ( I think his brother told him to say that). I think the former is more accurate.
Change is difficult. .. not impossible. .. but difficult. He is going to have to want to change and motivate himself to do so. Most cannot....
Myexperience is that communication is fundamental for a relationship. He lies which is counter to that.... how do you know he is not lying about wanting to change. I would be more concern about the lack of trust and the lying than the porn.
Exactly, I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. He's a chameleon. Its sad u question everything. I've been so naieve.
Ah, right--the compulsive lying. He's the kind of guy who would game the therapist, if he did go into counseling. IMO he's too messed up a case to work with. He would need to acknowledge his habit of lying, as well as everything else, and deeply, genuinely, want to change and resolve the deep-seated causes of all this dysfunctional behavior in order to make a real go of the marriage, and that's not likely to happen.
Yes!!!!! Everyone loves him and thinks he such a nice guy.
People can change. Everyone is in constant change, none of us are capable of refusing it.
What you're asking is if this person is capable of changing themsleves...to which, you obviously feel their is an unwillingness on their part to want to accept change at all.
...which if that was the answer you where looking for, It was already answered...by you.
I will say sudden, immediate or drastic change is not usual...I would actually argue it's just plain unhealthy to be that way for a number of reasonings.
People are not wired in a way where changing the fundamentals of who they are and what is nature to them is like a switch to be turned off and on.
It's a process to change though understanding, inflection and reasoning. not just the willingness to be different, that is only where the process starts
Last edited by rego00123; 04-10-2016 at 03:42 PM..
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