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This conflicted mentality of what to want as a women when now we have so many options was discussed in it. As a female with a well paid professional job I always struggle with this issue.. can I have it all and survive with out going nuts? I got this forwarded to me from a freind who is also married with kids and has a professional job. I think choice is a great things, but I think a lot of women like myself who have tired to have both are getting burned out and in my case I get the waves of partial resentment a wife can have towards her husband when the she really wants to and/ or needs to be the bread winner, the best wife and mother too. I juggle a lot of roles too and some days you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. It can honestly been overwheliming as the perceived expectation as you need to be perfect at everything you do as you are always being judge... ex the house wives think you roles in that area are not up to their standards, the professionals you work with that are not married or have kids don't get that your priorities and lifestyle is different. It can be like you have your husband, children/child, work, freind and extended family all tugging at you at the same time. It is moments when all these areas of your life seem to be spining out of control that your true ability to thrive as a human being pull threw and you might need stop for a moment to remember it can and could always be worse !
Something else is speaking for you here, and it's whatever makes you call your husband dude.
Interesting, I had to re-read my post to see where I wrote "dude". Good eye. AS many have pointed out, our spending ideals are different, I didn't say habit but ideals. That's where my ugly feeling of "you can't afford it, I can but I am not getting it for you". I know sounds bad but the only thing that helped, allowed me not to lose respect and still maintain our love is, he doesn't actually spend the money on unrealistic expense. He just dreams about it and talks about it but he doesn't actually indulge in it. I have learned to accept he is a dreamer & not to get worried about him wanting an Audi while I think an used Toyota is perfect for us. At the end of the day he won't actually waste money. He will just waste research hours & won't help me research the use car.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
I would focus on the highlighted part.
If he wants something expensive, focus on the "US" part. "WE can afford it" and don't just think "YOU ARE BROKE". You are married, it is "WE" now. If you keep thinking "dude, you cant even afford average" you'll lose respect (if you haven't already) and it is hard coming back from there. So if you want to stay in love, better don't allow those thoughts.
Interesting, I had to re-read my post to see where I wrote "dude". Good eye. AS many have pointed out, our spending ideals are different, I didn't say habit but ideals. That's where my ugly feeling of "you can't afford it, I can but I am not getting it for you". I know sounds bad but the only thing that helped, allowed me not to lose respect and still maintain our love is, he doesn't actually spend the money on unrealistic expense. He just dreams about it and talks about it but he doesn't actually indulge in it. I have learned to accept he is a dreamer & not to get worried about him wanting an Audi while I think an used Toyota is perfect for us. At the end of the day he won't actually waste money. He will just waste research hours & won't help me research the use car.
Dreaming is healthy, it's what sparks our imagination and makes us want to achieve things in life.
Let him dream as long as he keeps realistic expectations involved.
I would ask if he is considerate to spending habits and doesn't interfere with your own philosophy where the distaste and resentment is coming from though.
To me, with what has been posted it appears you feel like you are being taken advantage of in some way.
Last edited by rego00123; 04-15-2016 at 01:12 PM..
Maybe it has to do with the fact she's worried if they want to have kids, what if she loses her job how can they live on his salary, will she have to shoulder the brunt of their retirement, will his salary ever increase, will she be basically supporting him financially all her life, etc etc etc etc.
Too many reasons why it bothers her. She probably should have never married him in the first place and listened to her friends and family.
Exactly. And she is not 'wrong' for thinking this way.
I grew up dirt poor. Money, and the security that comes with it, is important to me. My husband knows that. I don't think that many on this board have experienced that sinking feeling when you are between a rock and a hard place, and money is the only thing that could help. I have - you don't forget it.
I out earn my husband (until he was recently promoted) and I had a LOT of issues with this. He is more practical than I when it comes to saving/investing. And, he also doesn't want expensive things and is unable to afford them, like the OP's husband. I, like the OP, dealt with it by reminding myself of what a great man I have.
The reasons that Stockyman gave are valid. I don't know why people are bashing the OP.
"If the situation were reversed...." But, it isn't. She can't pay her bills with 'what if'. She can't stay home and raise her kid with 'what if'.
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Originally Posted by Garfunkle524
Make no mistake that the uneasiness is there regardless. I have to constantly remind my wife that we cannot afford to have her stay home with our soon-to-arrive child. I only started earning more than her in the past few years. Even if I were making six figures we wouldn't be able to afford it. Quite honestly it SUCKS to constantly remind her that she agreed to work to be able to afford our house and this child. It also sucks knowing that my earnings both current and in the foreseeable future are inadequate to provide the life that my wife wants for herself and our child. She makes it very clear, intentionally or otherwise, that this is a huge deal.
The truth is that this type of irrational emotional thinking really ruins the best-laid plans and creates a lot of tension.
Yeah, cuz your wife being upset about your inability to provide is the problem.
No, dude. Her feelings are what they are. If they are valid and important to her, then they should be valid and important to you.
You are really mad at yourself and blaming her. Not cool.
I knew his salary and hear bare bone life when I married him. I knew what I signed up for. My thought process then & even now is, as long as I have my income it doesn't matter what he makes. Thru the last 2 years we kept our finance separate. We both pitch in on house hold expense without an issue. Typically I don't think about his income or even know about it.
Like tax season when I see our income side by side & I feel uneasy. I am sure he does too
Like when we disagree on big purchase (car or house), he wants something expensive nothing but the best vs. I think we should get something average or slightly below average. Then in back of my mind I am thinking "dude your broke, you can't even afford average, forget cream of the crop. If I want expensive things it makes sense." Then I realize how wrong this thought is and push it back. I never voiced it. This is the first place I am acknowledging it
Is his income low because he isn't working full time? Or does his full time job not pay well?
If I had a spouse who was hanging around house not contributing in a satisfactory way, I wouldn't be able to tolerate that. It wouldn't have to be about a paycheck, he could keep bees or make Amish furniture or tend to Grandma's needs for all I care, just do something productive.
If I had a spouse who was satisfied with a low paying full time career, I could probably live with that. I'd feel sorry for our pathetic income (I am a public servant, will never make more than 60K)
But, regardless of income, I could not tolerate a spouse who insisted on the most expensive of everything. If you can't pay cash for it, you don't need it that badly. I once broke up with a very nice man who adored me because he was in debt up to his eyeballs and couldn't keep his wallet in his pants.
He just dreams about it and talks about it but he doesn't actually indulge in it. I have learned to accept he is a dreamer & not to get worried about him wanting an Audi while I think an used Toyota is perfect for us. At the end of the day he won't actually waste money. He will just waste research hours & won't help me research the use car.
LOL!!!
My husband does this too. This is a man who can walk around the mall and truly "window shop". He can walk around for hours and see stuff that is amazing and wonderful and NEW (and sometimes we can afford it and sometimes we can't) but he won't buy it!
For fun, in his lots of spare time he designs houses for us that would easily cost half a million. It used to scare me too. But after 10 years I've grown comfortable with his dreams and hopes and while I would like to make them come true for both of us, it may or may not happen. He knows it's not always realistic but he also knows that much of what he really wants is out of our reach. And he's okay with that.
And you know what? We talked about this early on in our marriage when his dreams of grandeur kinda started scaring me. I'll bet if you have some of this conversation with your own husband you might feel better about it too.
You guys sound like roommates not a husband and wife.
I've always made a lot more money than the women I've been with, but never pulled this nonsense that the OP is doing.
I've never looked down on a woman because she made significantly less money than me, but like when men cry, woman say they are ok with crying or men making less money then them, but at the end of the day it's BS. I've seen thread after thread here where women aren't comfortable with either of those things.
I don't have a problem with it, just cop to it is all I ask.
Yeah, cuz your wife being upset about your inability to provide is the problem.
No, dude. Her feelings are what they are. If they are valid and important to her, then they should be valid and important to you.
You are really mad at yourself and blaming her. Not cool.
Not sure what you're implying here, but I'm not "blaming" my wife for how she feels. I wouldn't give it a second thought if I felt my wife's feelings weren't valid. Her feelings are incredibly important to me, which is why it creates tension that I don't have the ability to make them happen yet.
I'm offering sympathy to the OP, saying that these issues (rationality and promises vs emotions) are common in many scenarios and can originate from both sides of the coin. I'm saying that the equal-earning paradigm is wrought with its own tension.
I
Question to the ladies who make significantly more than your husband: How do you manage your emotion regarding the difference? As I said, we don't have any financial issue so far but time to time emotional complication shows up that I push back. but it creeps out.
I'm fine with it. If you love and respect your husband, then those emotions don't come creeping out.
You guys sound like roommates not a husband and wife.
I've always made a lot more money than the women I've been with, but never pulled this nonsense that the OP is doing.
I've never looked down on a woman because she made significantly less money than me, but like when men cry, woman say they are ok with crying or men making less money then them, but at the end of the day it's BS. I've seen thread after thread here where women aren't comfortable with either of those things.
I don't have a problem with it, just cop to it is all I ask.
You are right ... it is not fair to have a double standard in this regard. I know in my case I am working on it. Our decision to be together never had anything to do with money or source of incomes. I think I might have failed the lesson on sharing in elementary school. Sharing comes easy when you are the one that has less to start with !
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You are right ...
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