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How would their finances be any different than any other divorced couple? Him being gay probably wouldn't have an impact on the money. They would work it out as best they could, make it contentious if they wanted to, and deal with the leftovers.
I just had an unusual conversation with an old friend of mine.
Our last names were close in spelling, so we usually sat together at school. Over the years, we became good friends, but have lost touch some in recent years. In high school, we spent a good bit of time together after school. His dad was a minister and an insurance agent, with four children (buddy of mine, his older brother, and sister about ten years younger than us) and was always extremely friendly toward men. I figured he was just outgoing from being a salesman and a pastor.
Anyway, the man got caught with a high school boy about a decade ago when he was in his mid 40s. He avoided jail time, but had to register as a sex offender. Insurance business went down the drain and he ended up driving a forklift at a distribution center. Wife forgave him and they patched things up, or so it seemed.
I talked to my buddy tonight, who has gone through various marital issues himself, and he mentioned that his dad divorced his mom, and was now out of the closet and living with a man around his age. Friend said he'd been out of the closet for about a year now and divorced for two.
He said he was proud of his father for living true to himself. I think his dad is 57, and is completely restarting his life over from a father of multiple children and Baptist pastor to that of a gay man who recently came out and partnered up. I have no idea how the finances/property were divided up between him and his wife, etc., but it sounds like an absolute nightmare, especially with the criminal record. I can't imagine he has much, if anything, left for retirement, though his father is basically Virginia royalty and paid for the top attorneys in the legal case.
He has come out as a senior citizen and is trying to build a fresh life, it seems, with his newly acknowledged orientation. Do you know any senior citizens who came out? How did their stories go? Were they formerly perceived as straight then had to reestablish themselves? Were they "lifelong singles" that everyone may have suspected? If you knew their finances, how did all that shake out?
I don't think age 57 qualifies him as a senior citizen, but I get your point.
The short version of the story is often as you've said: The divorce (even without arrests being involved) tends to be a mess. Finances a mess (as is often the case after any divorce).
A friend of mine came out at 37, also from a religious background. 4 kids. Didn't know he was gay (I can't conceive of this, but I don't think he's lying.) He found a bf from a similar background who had 3 kids. They both had better than average jobs but their finances were somewhat strained because of paying child support for their kids. The one thing that saved them financially was their condo they owned in California. They sold it and moved to a lower cost state a few years before the real estate crash. Then my friend's partner dumped him for a younger guy after they'd been together for over 13 years. My friend didn't see it coming, so it sucked for him. But the sale of their condo in CA meant that he was able to pay cash for his condo in the lower cost state. He also got trained for a new, but lower paying career. Now, at age 63, I'd say he's in slightly better than average financial shape. He will have a small pension coming from his former employer in 2 years, plus he can start collecting Social Security at any time at this point. Plus he still works 3 or 4 days per week, earning a modest income. And I know he did have some modest 401k savings that he put into an annuity (bad decision! should've left it in a 401k or rolled into an IRA) that he can draw on at any time. The big thing is he paid cash for his condo, so he doesn't need to bring in a lot of money to make ends meet. His ex always earned more and was more financially shrewd, so I think the ex is relatively well off.
Since they broke up over a decade ago, he hasn't found anyone who's stuck long term, although the ex is still with the younger guy.
I'm sure they were both perceived as straight as both can pass for straight.
The kids are pretty much cool with the fact their dad is gay. All his kids are functioning adults (i.e. have half decent jobs, not sponging off relatives or welfare, etc.). My friend says that he doesn't think his being gay hurt the kids per se. But he does think the divorce hurt them emotionally and their outlook/attitude toward relationships.
He and his ex wife are cordial but don't talk much, mostly because his ex wife married a rednecky type guy.
My friend has acted as a mentor to many older gay (religious) men married to women. It's definitely messy and complicated. The men are often desperate and addicted to porn. Ick, no.
It's definitely always better to just admit who you are. You're going to pay a high price either way. Ultimately, admitting who you are is the easier and more sane path in the long run.
It's definitely always better to just admit who you are. You're going to pay a high price either way. Ultimately, admitting who you are is the easier and more sane path in the long run.
I think that in a great many cases, when a man comes out gay in a marriage, he is around 50 and the main reason they come out then is because they can't "do" it anymore, if you know what I mean. A young man can get it up for a sheep but older men have pickier penises. And yes, I was the wife when my 50 yo wasband came out gay.
It's hard to say what a typical scenario would be--everyone is so different in their reaction to it and fortunately for me I have a fairly liberal attitude towards it and I don't believe it's a choice. It was, however, his choice to marry me when he knew from age 12 and up that he was gay. Our daughters were 100% supportive of their dad and I wouldn't have it any other way but I don't talk to him much. Not because I'm mad about the gay part, but b/c he's been pretty much of a jerk since he left. A person can't help being gay but they can control the way they treat people. As for finances, I don't know that it was an issue any different than it would be if we divorced for other reasons, but one: he required a tummy tuck after he left so he wouldn't feel so self conscious in his new lifestyle. I know that he was terrified of the coming out process but enormously relieved when that was over and everyone just went on with their lives, starting about 10 minutes after he came out. PS--I adore his new spouse.
I just had an unusual conversation with an old friend of mine.
Our last names were close in spelling, so we usually sat together at school. Over the years, we became good friends, but have lost touch some in recent years. In high school, we spent a good bit of time together after school. His dad was a minister and an insurance agent, with four children (buddy of mine, his older brother, and sister about ten years younger than us) and was always extremely friendly toward men. I figured he was just outgoing from being a salesman and a pastor.
Anyway, the man got caught with a high school boy about a decade ago when he was in his mid 40s. He avoided jail time, but had to register as a sex offender. Insurance business went down the drain and he ended up driving a forklift at a distribution center. Wife forgave him and they patched things up, or so it seemed.
I talked to my buddy tonight, who has gone through various marital issues himself, and he mentioned that his dad divorced his mom, and was now out of the closet and living with a man around his age. Friend said he'd been out of the closet for about a year now and divorced for two.
He said he was proud of his father for living true to himself. I think his dad is 57, and is completely restarting his life over from a father of multiple children and Baptist pastor to that of a gay man who recently came out and partnered up. I have no idea how the finances/property were divided up between him and his wife, etc., but it sounds like an absolute nightmare, especially with the criminal record. I can't imagine he has much, if anything, left for retirement, though his father is basically Virginia royalty and paid for the top attorneys in the legal case.
He has come out as a senior citizen and is trying to build a fresh life, it seems, with his newly acknowledged orientation. Do you know any senior citizens who came out? How did their stories go? Were they formerly perceived as straight then had to reestablish themselves? Were they "lifelong singles" that everyone may have suspected? If you knew their finances, how did all that shake out?
I know some guys in the late 60s / early 70s (or would have been if still alive) who came out in their 50s. I think the older the cohort the more common this is. Back before the late 1970s there were many gay men living a double life.
He has come out as a senior citizen and is trying to build a fresh life, it seems, with his newly acknowledged orientation. Do you know any senior citizens who came out? How did their stories go? Were they formerly perceived as straight then had to reestablish themselves? Were they "lifelong singles" that everyone may have suspected? If you knew their finances, how did all that shake out?
This is way more common than you or a few of the narrow-minded posters on here know.
For the most part, people who are older than 60 had to conform to society's norms. Especially those from small towns and rural areas. They married, had kids, sat in church every Sunday, etc., but harbored their secret lives away from society.
I have personally met hundreds of "straight acting" men who were secretly gay. Contrary to some people's beliefs, , not all gays are nelly, limp-wristed fairies. In fact most of the elderly gays I know do not act like the stereotype "twinks".
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Originally Posted by TuborgP
Thank you, that is probably the most intelligent thing you could have posted.
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Originally Posted by Nightengale212
I think they are characters from a Jerry Springer episode
No, the OP was not talking about your family. Sorry. That is another thread.
There's a Netflix show, Grace & Frankie, built on this very premise. Martin Sheen and Sam Waterston have been law partners and secret lovers all these years, and finally come out in their 70s now that gay marriage is legal. At the same time they come out, they inform their wives of 40 years (Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin) that they are leaving them so they can marry one another. Shenanigans ensue for two seasons (and counting). Great show.
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