Do men freak out when a woman ask them out? (relations, reason)
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Look, I work in a profession where I get shot down all the time. Rejection doesn't bother me. I've been rejected in my profession many times, I've been rejected for things in other areas of my life. THAT is not the issue. In fact, I think if you were to interview most women, they would tell you that rejection isn't the real issue. Women don't think like men. I think when BOTH genders realize this very simple fact, the easier things will be.
I may not speak for most women, but I can tell you this little secret. It all goes down to biology, and human nature. What women look for in a mate is slightly different from what men look for in a mate. If women are looking for a protector, provider, someone who has "good strong genes" to pass on to her offspring, she is going to be attracted to a guy who can go after what he wants. Men also look for "good genes" to pass on to their offspring, so they try to find the most attractive women they can snag, ones with good hip to waist ratio, etc. It's all biological.
Not only that, but women have different emotional needs. Look, I'm going to drop some bombs here.... Perhaps you know this already, or maybe you don't. But women WANT to feel wanted. They want to feel noticed. Men like to feel needed (I presume). Men also like to feel respected. Sounds sort of similar, but the needs are different. When a woman has to be the one to go after a man, it sort of sets the balance off right from the get-go. I'm not saying it won't work...some women actually LIKE to be the more dominant one, or prefer to make the 1st move. But most women don't feel like it is right. Some may even feel like they are in "masculine mode". It can sometimes bring their feminine energy down, and a woman likes to be with a man who she feels can bring OUT her feminine energy...not suppress it. Why do you think some women are attracted to jerks? Not excusing that phenomenon, but it's the masculine traits these guys usually possess. Women not wanting to approach men doesn't always have to do with rejection fear. In fact women probably can take rejection easier than guys. It all has to do with biology. It just doesn't FEEL right to us. Like I said, if it worked, I would do it in a heartbeat. I have just found that this bold tactic just doesn't work for ME. Nor do I feel comfortable in this role. I almost feel like I'm taking something away from the guy in a way.
In addition, most women are desiring a serious relationship. Just because a guy is wanting to take you up on a woman's offer for a date doesn't necessarily mean he wants anything serious. Sure, it doesn't mean he's looking for anything serious if the GUY initiates either, but at least the woman knows that this guy was confident enough to ask her out. He already is a step above most men who didn't have the confidence to ask, or who were waiting for HER to ask HIM out.
You can either hate "the game", or just realize that this is how the game is played and follow suit. #shrug
I understand this is the way it is. It is a combination of biology and culture. That's why it is in guys' best interests to not expect women to be the initiators.
It still doesn't change the fact that the majority of women are petrified of direct romantic rejection from guys to whom they are attracted, as well as being being afraid of looked down upon by their peers for being to aggressive.
What many men don't realize is that women usually ARE making the first move...but it's quite subtle. If a woman is looking at you, usually that's a good sign. If she is smiling at you, that's an even BETTER sign. So, if a woman is friendly, engaging, flirting, making conversation, etc.....I STILL don't see why a man wouldn't be able to make a move if he really wanted to.
There are many, many women who act this way without being interested in actually wanting something romantic.
Quote:
Most women know that a man will go after what he wants...if he really wants it.
There are also many, many men who do not assertively go after what they want.
I understand this is the way it is. It is a combination of biology and culture. That's why it is in guys' best interests to not expect women to be the initiators.
It still doesn't change the fact that the majority of women are petrified of direct romantic rejection from guys to whom they are attracted, as well as being being afraid of looked down upon by their peers for being to aggressive.
While I don't think it's true that women don't approach because they're terrified of rejection (nobody likes rejection, but it's part of life,) there are a couple of societal relics that give some women pause. It's less and less true, but many people still think that women who make the first move are "easy" or "skanky"--the assumption is that nice girls wait. As a result, there are some guys who will take a woman up on her offer of a date not because he's truly interested, but because she's offering and he might get laid with very little effort(who's easy now?) Like I said, these attitudes are relics, but they're still out there.
I too have had the experience that when I pursued, things were sort of "meh" and pretty much petered out, and when I was pursued, there was way more of a chance things were going to get off the ground and be satisfying. I mean it is what it is; that's just one woman's experience, so take it for what it's worth.
Now, that discounts me initiating a conversation, flirting, casually mentioning getting together some time and so on as "pursuing." When I've done those things but didn't make the first "official" move (i.e. actually asking to go out and calling it a date), I don't consider that "pursuing." And that has always been pretty successful.
Again, JME. That doesn't mean pursuing wasn't fun. Actually, it was. So I don't regret it the times that it happened. Was I afraid of rejection? Not really. Certainly that was a possibility but it wasn't like I was going after the last guy on earth.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
I too have had the experience that when I pursued, things were sort of "meh" and pretty much petered out, and when I was pursued, there was way more of a chance things were going to get off the ground and be satisfying. I mean it is what it is; that's just one woman's experience, so take it for what it's worth.
Um, no offense, but it isn't worth much. OF COURSE it was more likely for things to work out when you were pursued and liked the person back as it was guaranteed (pretty much) the person pursuing you liked you too. Whereas when you're pursuing they may or may not like you as much back.
This isn't comparing apples to apples. For an equal comparison one has to compared all instances of you (or a woman) pursuing and the results vs all instances of them being pursued (whether there was any interest or not) and the results. One has to include the times you were pursued as a woman and had little interest for it to be an equal comparison.
Some women, myself included, don't approach for a couple of reasons. My number one reason for not asking men out is that they often prove to be too passive for me. I like a man who's not afraid to take a risk.
If a guy doesn't want to date me because I won't approach him, then we're equally disinterested in each other so it works out.
I'm just curious if a guy I'm interested in would be flattered or think I'm a crazy.
I went to highschool and college with him and noticed on fb he is still single.
I recently went out with a guy friend at the casino's and everyone thought we were a couple. It boost my confidence that I still got it.
Guys would you think horrible things or think wow she's bold I like some one who is assertive?
A lot of men do like to be the pursuer. Start with showing your interest and see if he takes it from there. If he doesn't, then go ahead and do the asking.
I too have had the experience that when I pursued, things were sort of "meh" and pretty much petered out, and when I was pursued, there was way more of a chance things were going to get off the ground and be satisfying. I mean it is what it is; that's just one woman's experience, so take it for what it's worth.
Again, welcome to the world of men. Men experience this all the time. It doesn't mean that it was the initiating that was the problem. It just means that some people aren't interested. Correlation does not mean causation.
One thing that is true, however, is that the person who overtly initiates is definitely interested. That means if you sit back and wait, you can be pretty sure that the people who initiate are interested.
I too have had the experience that when I pursued, things were sort of "meh" and pretty much petered out, and when I was pursued, there was way more of a chance things were going to get off the ground and be satisfying. I mean it is what it is; that's just one woman's experience, so take it for what it's worth.
Now, that discounts me initiating a conversation, flirting, casually mentioning getting together some time and so on as "pursuing." When I've done those things but didn't make the first "official" move (i.e. actually asking to go out and calling it a date), I don't consider that "pursuing." And that has always been pretty successful.
Exactly, and like Raena did, she had a conversation, asked to get together in a friend-like way, and he agreed. It's not until they meet up in person will either be able to tell if there is chemistry.
But neither would know if she hadn't made the first move!
The same kind of 'pursuing' men do. They don't say "would you like to get naked and married", they ask if you'd like to go out for a drink, coffee, whatever.
But again, Welcome to the World of Men JerZ. (I'll just watch and learn from over here).
This is yet just more proof that men and women are different. Guys don't realize that even when a woman flat out rejects them, they may still have a chance later on down the line if they just remain cool and friendly. I'm telling you, it happens more often than you would believe.
Whereas, I doubt the reverse is true with guys. Usually when a guy has rejected a woman, he typically means it lol. I don't think he will have a "change of heart" in the future. But I could be wrong.
What many men don't realize is that women usually ARE making the first move...but it's quite subtle. If a woman is looking at you, usually that's a good sign. If she is smiling at you, that's an even BETTER sign. So, if a woman is friendly, engaging, flirting, making conversation, etc.....I STILL don't see why a man wouldn't be able to make a move if he really wanted to.
Most women know that a man will go after what he wants...if he really wants it.
To me, if she makes it clear she's rejecting me, I'm not going to take the chance that she'll end up changing her mind months down the line or so. I take rejection at face value (life's too short to pine after someone who's clearly made it clear that she doesn't want you). I'd much prefer meeting a woman who automatically feels attraction to me, and me her (most ideally anyway).
As for women making the first move. The problem is it's often TOO subtle, and that doesn't always meet they're interested, but just being friendly. This is why a lot of guys do it correctly in my eyes. They don't beat around the bush, and just flat out tell you they're interested and ask you out.
This might also be one reason I've had much more success and feel comfortable with OLD. In real life, it seems that when I thought a woman could be interested, I found out she was just being friendly, already had a boyfriend, or wasn't as interested as I thought. With OLD, you know most women are on there to date (for the most part anyways).
Last edited by NewYorker11356; 07-27-2016 at 05:05 PM..
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