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Hi, this is my first time on this forum and I was hoping to get advice, because I don't know how to handle my current situation. I will try to make the long story short. I really appreciate it if you don't go off bashing me off or telling me I just need help and a bit of support so I do thank anyone who responds.
Long story short. I met a man off an dating site that lives in a different country. We are both middle eastern so we are basically from the same culture. When we started getting to know each other we felt good about each other for he first time and how both of us were happy that we met one another. He had a whole lot of time at that time and he wasn't that busy with his job. So we basically talked, texted, video chatted everyday.
I stepped up a month after telling him how I felt about him. But the feeling wasn't mutual, so I decided to give him more time and our friendship time for it to develop on it's own, but as months went by as it was getting hard for me I did tell him my feelings for him were getting stronger but he always brushed it off. This went of for a couple of months.
It was hard for me being in this friendship with him but I feel hard for him. And still nothing from his side. As a couple of months went by he would pull the dis-appearing act with me and comes back when ever he wants then he would reappear again in my life and I didn't think much of it. He became busy with his job so I tried to be understanding enough and let him be. His disapperaing act continued for a year. He was always on/off with me a lot and I was getting fed up with with. He once dissapared on me for 2 months comes back as if nothing ever happened.
And I did move on once and gotten into a new relationship because I thought he wasn't serious my previous relationship only lasted for a month.
And we weren't talking at that time because he always done this vanishing act with me. And we weren't talking at that time. After my relationship ended we've always find away back to each other. I'm 36 he's 47. As soon as I come and get closer to him he always dissappears on the worst time and takes off for week a month or 2.
What his problem is I don't know. He said he was unstable in his life I just didn't know to what extent. I had gotten so fed up with him because I felt like we were wasting time for nothing and told him in the beginning of summer that he knows how I feel about him and that I love him and if he does not feel the same way then let's go our own seperate ways. I told him I'd give him a couple of days to think about things and let me know. 2-3 day's later he calls me up tells me he has feelings for me, loves, me likes me and think we are a perfect match for one another.
he has hinted about wanting to have future plans with me but never actually get into a real conversation about it. And this isn't something that I want to talk over the phone or text about and would rather have this type of talk face to face once I see him. I suffer from depression and didn't tell him when we started to get to know each other because I had so many reason's and to why I didn't want too. I couldn't get through to him he wasn't taking my phone calls he wasn't answering my texts I was on a verge of a break-down I told him in an the email this is what I suffer from I need a month away from him and I will explain things to him later when thing's have calmed down with me.
He seemed careless, heart-less not the man I once knew when we first started getting to know each other, I started noticing that instead of him making any effort to call me or text me I was dong it more myself than him. And this is a man that told me he's not looking for fun with me. I have trust issue's. I was hospitalized for 2 days for having a nervous break-down, horrible anxiety attack, with 2 weeks out outpatient therapy I've been through hell with him. After I came out of the hospital I emailed him one last time asking him where we stand, nothing, then I got pissed off saying your nothing but a user, that his intentions was never good, that he lead me on thinking something was there, that he played me for a fool, that he never cared and so much more.
I found out that he went back on the same dating site where I met him on and became a full member I was horrified that how he moved on that fast without a heads up. And that he dropped me like a cold turkey. I was making plans to go and visit him at his home country and I honestly didn't mind doing that. When I was making plans he turns around and tells me something really childish and something stupid and I said forget it. It took me a month and a half to recover from everything and till this point I still am. But this is not fair with the way he treated me because no one ever deserves to go through something like this. You tell a person you have feelings for them and love them and this is the way you leave things. I honestly was shocked to my very core. Why, would you tell someone that and drop them like cold turkey and turn you back away from them ?
I don't know what I did wrong. I honestly don't. We have not spoken in 1 month and 19 day's and if he were to come back around I honestly wouldn't know how to handle it. My folks do know I am talking to someone they don't know the recent problems I have with this man. And that it has gotten this far. I don't know why I'm even protecting him. I know I shouldn't. I guess what I'm asking for is some sort of advice if he ever does comes back what should I do but he has done it once to many times. Thanks to anyone who's reading.
First rule of thumb: The longer it takes to explain a relationship problem, the less likely you'll be able to solve it. If this is your 'long story short,' it isn't going to get any better.
But to help out, remember these things:
1) I don't care how busy someone is. If he really care for you, he'll find ways to talk to you, however briefly that might be.
2) A person who doesn't reciprocate on confessions of love, even months later, does not love you.
3) If he says he doesn't care about you in that way, take that at face value.
4) Follow your heart, but bring your head along for the ride.
In short, cut your losses. I don't care how long you've invested in the relationship. Spending one more day worrying about this guy won't make things any better.
Yea, and I mentioned to him in an email once that I feel like I'm his last option in everything and thinks that I'm always around and that its okay with him to go as he comes and comes back when ever he wants. Again, I told him in an email once that I hope you know how it feels like now when someone keeps telling you they want nothing to do with you anymore and gave him a taste of his own medicine. If he doesn't know what he want's then he should had been honest with me and told me to get out of his life and would had done that. I would had but not string me along for a year. And has 1 da....... nerve to tell me he has feelings for me and loves me. Really, what type of love is this ? I knew he was lying and told me what I wanted to hear.
Lesson learned: Don't get emotionally invested in someone who can just hit the x at the top of a computer screen when they don't want to deal with you.
Hi, this is my first time on this forum and I was hoping to get advice, because I don't know how to handle my current situation.
Hi,
I am just going to respond to a few key points that you've mentioned.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
*He had a whole lot of time at that time (beginning of the online relationship) and he wasn't that busy with his job. So we basically talked, texted, video chatted everyday.
*I stepped up a month after telling him how I felt about him. But the feeling wasn't mutual...
*but as months went by as it was getting hard for me I did tell him my feelings for him were getting stronger but he always brushed it off.
Perhaps you should have accepted that he did not feel the same and let it go at that vs. telling him again months later only to have him brush it off a second time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
*As a couple of months went by he would pull the dis-appearing act with me and comes back when ever he wants then he would reappear again in my life and I didn't think much of it.
He said the feelings were not mutual and even brushed you off when you continued mentioning it to him, perhaps his disappearing act was his way to put a stop to your continued non-mutual attraction to him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
*He became busy with his job so I tried to be understanding enough and let him be.
How exactly did you try to be understanding?
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
*His disappearing act continued for a year.
Just curious as to why you would continue participating in this online relationship when he tells you that his feelings are not mutual and he continually disappears?
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
He said he was unstable in his life I just didn't know to what extent.
When a person tells you they have an unstable life this should tell you that they are not interested in forming a meaningful relationship with anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
I had gotten so fed up with him because I felt like we were wasting time for nothing and told him in the beginning of summer that he knows how I feel about him and that I love him and if he does not feel the same way then let's go our own seperate ways. I told him I'd give him a couple of days to think about things and let me know. 2-3 day's later he calls me up tells me he has feelings for me, loves, me likes me and think we are a perfect match for one another.
You were certainly wasting your time on a person who had told you in more ways than one that they were not mutually interested in you.
I find it odd that you would give him an ultimatum, when he had already established the fact that he was not interested.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
he has hinted about wanting to have future plans with me but never actually get into a real conversation about it.
He only hints but then refuses to have an actual discussion about it? Are you starting to see a pattern here?
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
I suffer from depression and didn't tell him when we started to get to know each other because I had so many reason's and to why I didn't want too. I couldn't get through to him he wasn't taking my phone calls he wasn't answering my texts.
I am sorry you suffer from depression, however it might be best to refrain from dating until you find better ways to cope with your depression.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
I was on a verge of a break-down I told him in an the email this is what I suffer from I need a month away from him and I will explain things to him later when thing's have calmed down with me.
This is not good behavior to display with anyone you are trying to establish a romantic relationship with. What adult male would want to get involved with a women who is emotional to the point of having a nervous breakdown simply because she can not reach him? Especially when he has indicated through his behavior, and avoidance to have real discussions about your future together, that he's not interested?
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
He seemed careless, heart-less not the man I once knew when we first started getting to know each other, I started noticing that instead of him making any effort to call me or text me I was dong it more myself than him. And this is a man that told me he's not looking for fun with me.
I hope by now you are starting to see a very clear pattern in his behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
I have trust issue's. I was hospitalized for 2 days for having a nervous break-down, horrible anxiety attack, with 2 weeks out outpatient therapy I've been through hell with him.
This sounds like much more than trust issues. You have never even met this man.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
After I came out of the hospital I emailed him one last time asking him where we stand, nothing,
Are you really surprised at this point that you did not hear anything back from him?
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
then I got pissed off saying your nothing but a user, that his intentions was never good, that he lead me on thinking something was there, that he played me for a fool, that he never cared and so much more.
You certainly have a right to feel pissed off, but more importantly, I hope that you can take responsibility for your participation in this situation. You should have walked a year ago as soon as he told you that his feelings for you were not mutual and even more so after he brushed you off with your continued vying for his affection.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
I found out that he went back on the same dating site where I met him on and became a full member I was horrified that how he moved on that fast without a heads up. And that he dropped me like a cold turkey.
I am surprised that you were horrified at him becoming a full member on the site where you met. He dropped you like a cold turkey most likely due to your nervous breakdown when you let it be known to him that you lose it when you can't reach him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
I was making plans to go and visit him at his home country and I honestly didn't mind doing that. When I was making plans he turns around and tells me something really childish and something stupid and I said forget it. It took me a month and a half to recover from everything and till this point I still am.
I am sorry to say but you brought most of this bad experience on yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
But this is not fair with the way he treated me because no one ever deserves to go through something like this.
I hate to break it to you but he could not have treated you this way if you had not allowed it. If you had walked away a year ago when he said the feelings were not there you would have avoided all of this. Hopefully this is a huge lesson learned.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
You tell a person you have feelings for them and love them and this is the way you leave things. I honestly was shocked to my very core. Why, would you tell someone that and drop them like cold turkey and turn you back away from them ?
There are all kinds of cruel, heartless, lost souls out there...the best thing you can do for yourself is learn how to identify them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
I don't know what I did wrong. I honestly don't.
I hope after reading my responses you now realize what you did wrong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
We have not spoken in 1 month and 19 day's and if he were to come back around I honestly wouldn't know how to handle it.
You would be wise to avoid him at all costs. There is nothing good that will come from communicating with him again. Let the pattern speak for itself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolgirl123
My folks do know I am talking to someone they don't know the recent problems I have with this man. And that it has gotten this far. I don't know why I'm even protecting him. I know I shouldn't. I guess what I'm asking for is some sort of advice if he ever does comes back what should I do but he has done it once to many times. Thanks to anyone who's reading.
What you should do is work on your self esteem, and never allow yourself to continuing pursuing a man who tells you that his feelings are not mutual, brushes you off when you continue mentioning it, and disappears for months at a time.
What I got from your post is he never said he felt romantic about you, only a friend.
Is that true?
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Thanks for replying. I get with what your saying. Then why do I think I've done something wrong? I always think it's me. I'm not counting the day's. Really am not, the problem is every time I move on he always show's back up. That's my main problem with him.
It's not you. You're wasting time waiting around for him to become the person you want. You have no idea what is causing his absences. It could be anything:
Seeing other women
alcoholism
toying with you, because he may have an abusive nature toward women
travel relating to work
indifference, simply using you for amusement when he's bored
periods of depression
It could be absolutely anything in the world. You only know him by what he's chosen to reveal to you online. Better seek out someone more clearly interested, and consistent. You don't need the emotional torment this is causing you. You deserve someone who's more forthcoming.
The #1 problem women have when it comes to romantic relationships is they are in love with the idea of being in love, you are no different my dear. How do you rationalize falling in love with a internet buddy & having a nervous breakdown over someone you never even laid eyes on? He didn't lead you on, you lead your own self on. It boils down to you were his pen pal that's all. For all you know he might be married & the internet is simply a way to entertain his idle time like it is for most of us. Look for a flesh & blood man next time, you're old enough to know better than to allow your emotions to run away like that.
Thanks for replying. I get with what your saying. Then why do I think I've done something wrong? I always think it's me. I'm not counting the day's. Really am not, the problem is every time I move on he always show's back up. That's my main problem with him.
"Shows back up", but just online correct? You have never actually met in person? It's not a real relationship. I understand your feelings can still be real, but you do not actually know this person.
As the great philosopher Oprah once said, "when people show you who they are, believe them." This is a person who has made it abundantly clear that he's unreliable and he doesn't want what you want out of your relationship. He shows back up when his Plan A doesn't work out because he knows you'll pay attention to him. The only thing you've done wrong is to not delete his contact info and to keep him on the hook. Throw him back.
That's Maya Angelou. If Oprah said it, she was quoting.
He could be the rooster of the middle-east, if you catch my drift. You are his toy.You have been living ina fantasy world and it has now caused you pain.
Get off online dating: shut off your computer is what you need to do. Get a hobby and find a real life guy in your hometown. Give yourself one week to be sad and cry and eat sweets. Then pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You will be as depressed as you want to be and waste your life continuong with that character.
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