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Old 10-11-2016, 02:42 PM
3 posts, read 2,115 times
Reputation: 12


Hi all,

I'll try and keep the back story brief.

Met a girl almost two years ago, 8 years younger than me (I'm 32). Blew me away. I have pretty high expectations of the type of girl I want a relationship with, and she hit them all. Incredibly witty, identical sense of fun, morals and sense of humor, incredible chemistry, amazing sex, perfect looks etc. We went on maybe 4-5 dates and I was hooked. From the get go it was always me making the moves to hang out. She is super popular with friends, and I'm sure gets guys hitting on her every time she leaves the house, and shes young, and she'd just broken up from her first long term boyfriend when I met her (alarm bells already I know).

She often would flake on plans, or move the goal posts to the point where it wasn't quite possible to hang on the day we'd suggested, but she ALWAYS had a perfectly reasonable excuse, always apologized, and always said enough to make me believe she genuinely liked me. She would like all my posts and comment on social media daily, send me suggestions of things we could do etc. The words and the actions were usually so different however, and she always ensured I was in her Universe, but never inside her World.

I eventually got the message and completely backed off, and as expected, she would tell me she missed me, wanted to hang out etc. I called her out a few times, basically saying it wasn't fair the way she treated me (which I regret doing), and I would get the 'this feels heavy, I never wanted this to be anything other than a gift' etc. Anyway, I had to head back from California where I live to the UK for a few months in between jobs/VISAs. Before I left we actually talked about sorting things out and getting together on my return. While I was away, I worked out from social media, she'd got back with her ex. I asked her if that was the case, and she confirmed, said she was confused because she knows what she has in me but needs to give it another go with him to be sure etc. I did the only thing I could from 5k miles away, and wrote her a song (a bloody good one too), specific to the things we did together, and lyrics were made up of song titles of songs we listened to together etc. She was blown away, but it didn't change the fact that she wanted to give it another go with her ex. Which I respected despite the sadness.

I dusted myself off and moved on, but never let her out of my mind (no-one compared), this was last summer. Around March this year, I worked out from social media that they had broken up again, and I got in touch with a 'hey, how's life?'. She was stoked that I reached out, told me that her and he were finally over, and was excited that I was still thinking of her. We hung out, and it was like we'd never been apart. All the feels were there from before. She kissed me at the end of the date, told me the feeling was mutual etc. in how we still felt. Then I went back to the UK for two weeks. On my return we were both super busy, but as before I was prioritizing her and would drop everything if she wanted me to, and she wouldn't. So many times she couldn't make a meet up (because of perfectly understandable reasons number 44,45,46), and said all the right things to keep me in the loop (I know you're screaming - SHE'S STRINGING YOU ALONG FOR AN EGO BOOST, LET IT GO), but she was so good at the words I didn't think that way. Her Birthday comes along, and I bought us tickets for Desert Trip (a huge old rocker vibe in the desert), cost me a thousand bucks. I told her I wanted to see her on her bday and give her the gift I got her, she text me that night so as to let me know plans, and when I replied asking where to meet, I got nothing back, next morning as expected I got the "I'm sooo sorry, I lost my phone in my friends car and it was on silent" (perfectly understandable excuse no. 47). I said no worries it happens, but the gift has a bit of a time limit on it and so I need to give it to her soon. She reeled off the 50 plans she had over the next couple of weeks, but planned to meet maybe 10 days later. The night before I text "are we still on for dinner tomorrow", and in the morning I got a "Of course, I can't wait to see you, whats the plan?". I responded with one. An hour later I got "You're not going to believe this..... boss.. work.. last minute dinner with clients.. can't skip.. can't believe I have to cancel on you again etc.". I replied just saying "no worries, another time". She responded "thank you for the gift anyway, it was a really sweet gesture". I didn't respond. A week later (as usual), she reached out, with this long, and seemingly very honest text, about how she's so sorry for how she's been - she's never met a guy as nice as me and she feels this chemistry that's kind of intimidating, that she would want all of my time if she did start to commit to seeing me more.. "i can't catch a second with my feet on the ground with all the chaos that surrounds my life at the moment.. i'm struggling to meet everyones expectations etc. etc., and I just don't feel like I have room on my plate for another person right now, despite how much I like you.. when I'm mature enough to deserve you I can only hope you're available because I would be so lucky to have you etc.". I told her I couldn't allow myself to keep waiting in the hope that she'll start to give me more of her time, and that I have to let her go, she was seemingly upset, but understood, and again said she hoped I'd be available when she was ready. I also told her I got her the tickets for the festival, which she was taken back by, but I knew from social media a day previous that a friend had given her tickets to go to Desert Trip, "so blessed" etc.

I didn't see her at the festival. But I have worked out (to probably a 90% degree of certainty), that while she tried to keep it off social media, she went with her ex. The guy I had no idea she was still in touch with, and the guy she already went back to a year ago when we were kinda dating.

Annyway, the question is this - I obviously now realize that all the words (as convincing as they were) were bs, that I was being treated like an option while she was waiting to get back with him, and I now see the reality. But she doesn't know that I know, she thinks everything's great as she's still being perceived in a favorable light by me (ahh she's just finding herself and she really likes me and will let me know when she's ready), and she'll undoubtedly reach out when things don't work out with him again. Do I call her out and tell her I know the truth now, or just let it slide and not even acknowledge it? I understand her motives, she has a history and an emotional familiarity with him that is obviously more favorable than being with someone who is an unknown when it comes to that, so I respect it (forgetting for a moment that she's already gone back once and it lasted another 9 months).. but the fact that she's strung me along for so long, putting so much effort into convincing me of her feelings for me, when in the end it just seems like hot air, that's what hurts, and part of me thinks she needs to know, and part of me wants to just take the high road and let it slide.

Thoughts? Sorry for the mammoth post.
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Old 10-11-2016, 02:47 PM
8,776 posts, read 8,919,857 times
Reputation: 9533
if you feel someone is not putting the same amount of effort in to you as you are them and that's what you NEED to remain happy and interested, there really isn't much point to putting yourself back in that position over and over again with them.

Your intent and actions for being together are not matching the words being spoken to one another, that says everything you need to know about where you are being put in position and priority.
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Old 10-11-2016, 02:49 PM
Location: southwestern PA
20,416 posts, read 44,073,762 times
Reputation: 40064
You just need to move on...
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Old 10-11-2016, 02:51 PM
Location: Dallas Texas
1,265 posts, read 888,561 times
Reputation: 2439
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
You just need to move on...
This is actually a pretty common sentiment for a lot of threads on here.
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Old 10-11-2016, 03:07 PM
Location: San Diego, CA
1,202 posts, read 900,048 times
Reputation: 3514
Originally Posted by greenboy83 View Post
Hi all,

I'll try and keep the back story brief <snip>
That didn't seem very brief to me...
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Old 10-11-2016, 03:09 PM
Location: southwestern PA
20,416 posts, read 44,073,762 times
Reputation: 40064
Originally Posted by Hand McLovin View Post
This is actually a pretty common sentiment for a lot of threads on here.
Do you think there is better advice in this instance?
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Old 10-11-2016, 03:21 PM
4,815 posts, read 4,012,305 times
Reputation: 4749
This is nothing more than someone who's not getting an emotional need from their partner, so they seek it from another person, knowing well that they'll never really leave their partner.

I was in this situation with a woman in the past. She strung me along telling me all the things I wanted to hear, but in reality, she just liked getting the emotional highs with me. She never intended to go any further than that. Well, her partner at the time committed suicide back in March of this year. That's when I started putting things together, because we became friends on facebook shortly after he killed himself. Fact is, I was a secret and was always going to be a secret. That's likely going to be your future with her as well.
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Old 10-11-2016, 03:26 PM
6,804 posts, read 4,574,059 times
Reputation: 8582
What were the issues with her and her boyfriend? Why did they break up? Who broke up with whom? The answers to these questions will tell you what your options are.
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Old 10-11-2016, 03:52 PM
28,901 posts, read 52,058,453 times
Reputation: 46555
What is it with first-time posters writing the equivalent of War and Peace when it comes to relationship problems?

If you're legit:

1) The longer it takes to describe a relationship problem, the more convoluted it is and the less likely it can be resolved.
2) Yeah, accusing a woman of being a liar and a tease is the surefire way to win her affections.
3) You used the word "flake" when it comes to plans. As in multiple plans. As in more than one time. Once is an accident. Twice is a red flag. Three times is a pattern. Women don't flake on guys they care about.
4) If you really give a damn about yourself, walk away from it. If she's interested, she'll reach back out. If not, you at least have your dignity.

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Old 10-11-2016, 03:54 PM
28,047 posts, read 30,057,072 times
Reputation: 25476

Just let it go.

She is young. She is having fun and not committing and enjoying attention...why? Well, refer to statement # 1 right there at the beginning of this paragraph... <--

Most, or at least many, people do at least a few dumb, not really thoughtful, just for fun things when they're young. That doesn't mean they're deliberately being malicious. It means they don't really know how to do all this yet, and they're exploring.

You won't accomplish anything if you accuse her of stringing you along. You'll just look (sorry) a little unhinged/over-the-top (IMO). You'll feel worse about yourself, she'll feel worse about her opinion of you and you still won't have closure or any of that good stuff. All of that can only come from you.

Just let it go. I am sorry you're hurting.
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