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Our relationship started out great. On a night out, I offered to walk her home and on the way home she kissed me for the first time. Then we started going out, to the cinema, etc. Real, genuine dating.
As I mentioned, she left her boyfriend of four years just a few (2-3) weeks before she kissed me the first time. Because of that I was very aware that I didn't violate any of her boundaries too fast. At the end one of our dates two-three weeks into the relationship, where we had been watching a movie at my place, she told me that she'd rather sleep at home, because she wanted to respect her ex-BF (by not sleeping with anyone too soon, I figured). Of course, I wanted to respect her choice and I told her that. She came to my place again a few days later (maybe 3-5 days, I don't remember clearly) and we ended up cuddling and kissing. It clearly pointed towards having sex. At one point, I stopped our interaction, as I wanted to respect what she had expressed just a days earlier (or at least what I had perceived that she had expressed). A little later she left and in a text message she said the she had felt rejected by me. Then followed an eery silence from her part for a few days. My gut feeling told me that something was completely wrong as even though I told her that I had only done it because I thought she wanted to wait, she apparently wouldn't accept it.
When we finally met again, was the night when she looked through my phone and we ended up having a fight about it, as she found a message which she both over- and misintepreted.
Since then things have gone downhill.
I know that the way she relates to friends, laughs at them, the language she chooses to use as she speaks of my friends are not my fault, but I know that they come from a place of hurt and that really you should feel pity for her, as she only does this because of her raging insecurities. Although I don't think that this justifies her behaviour in any way.
Basically feeling like it my fault originates from two places:
1) She has had earlier relationships that were much longer and apparently successful. They lasted for four years, I can't even make it past two months. In my mind this points to me being the faulty one. That I am responsible in some way.
2) She does a lot of good things for me aswell (as described in the original thread) and it makes me feel like 'the bad guy'. It makes me think that she really tries to make it work, but I am not being very co-operative as her poor behaviour pushes me further and further away.
I hope this all makes sense. English is not my native language, so I apologize for any misspelling.
So, basically, the two of you never had sex?
You both have dysfunctional roles in this (dysfunction always seeks dysfunction).
Because of her messed up upbringing with her dad cheating on her mom, her role is to sabotage a relationship in which a guy will not treat her poorly.
Because of your messed up upbringing (single mom, absent dad/substance abuse in the family, etc?), your role is to take the responsibility for her bad behavior.
Yes, we have sex. Actually the best sex I've ever had. As I described I postponed the sex a bit in the beginning of the relationship as I thought that that was what she wanted, because she had just come out of another relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy
Because of her messed up upbringing with her dad cheating on her mom, her role is to sabotage a relationship in which a guy will not treat her poorly.
Do you think so? She definitely is sabotaging the relationship, but I'm quite clueless as to why..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy
Because of your messed up upbringing (single mom, absent dad/substance abuse in the family, etc?), your role is to take the responsibility for her bad behavior.
I somehow think this is right. My parents are divorced and I stayed with them a week at a time. I've had a very different upbringing depending on who I stayed with. My father was controlling and often raised his voice when he got angry at me and my mother was much the opposite. Very calm and collected.
I think you're right about the bad behaviour - I just don't know why!
Yes, we have sex. Actually the best sex I've ever had. As I described I postponed the sex a bit in the beginning of the relationship as I thought that that was what she wanted, because she had just come out of another relationship.
Do you think so? She definitely is sabotaging the relationship, but I'm quite clueless as to why..
I somehow think this is right. My parents are divorced and I stayed with them a week at a time. I've had a very different upbringing depending on who I stayed with. My father was controlling and often raised his voice when he got angry at me and my mother was much the opposite. Very calm and collected.
I think you're right about the bad behaviour - I just don't know why!
People who grow up in dysfunctional households often have a subconscious need to re-enact those dysfunctions as adults.
For her, she needs to have guys who cheat on her or otherwise don't treat her so well. When she doesn't have that in a guy, she needs to invent that cheating my making things up and/or doing things that mess up a relationship with a guy who actually doesn't cheat.
For you, because you were in the middle of the dysfunction between your parents and you had a controlling dad who didn't really respect you, you feel the need to appease someone who is acting out in dysfunctional ways. The reason you were so into her and the sex was so good was because she pushed all the right buttons with your need for that particular dysfunction.
This. You've only been dating for two months, OP. She worked as a friend, because you didn't know her true character. Now that you've dated a little and had the opportunity to get to know her better, you've found out she's not the kind of person you want to be close to. That's what dating is for; to scope the other person out to see if it could be a good match. In your case, the answer is "no", it's not a good match.
You can simply tell her you feel that your personalities aren't a good match. If she demands to know why, you can tell her point blank (this may be good feedback for her), that you don't like people who laugh at their friends' misfortunes, and that you need someone who's more supportive of you, and doesn't demean you, whether they're kidding or not. Just put it out there, and stick to it. She needs to own her own behavior, and be made aware that it's not ok.
This 100%, OP this is very good advice and as someone mentioned before you are possibly the rebound of a past toxic relationship.
For her, she needs to have guys who cheat on her or otherwise don't treat her so well. When she doesn't have that in a guy, she needs to invent that cheating my making things up and/or doing things that mess up a relationship with a guy who actually doesn't cheat.
Because that's what's familiar to her? I can see that's where she is coming from regarding her family, but I have no idea if that's her own relationship(s) have been.
Because that's what's familiar to her? I can see that's where she is coming from regarding her family, but I have no idea if that's her own relationship(s) have been.
Not just familiar, but traumatic. Many people have an deep need to re-enact traumatic events that happened to them in childhood in a subconscious attempt to have a better resolution.
I'm betting her relationships previous to you were either very chaotic, like yours has been, or she has sabotaged them.
You should ask her what her previous boyfriends were like. I'll bet she doesn't have very glowing reviews of them.
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