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I am in a two months relationship with my girlfriend. We are both at university and we have worked at the same restaurant for about a year, been good friends for six months and dated the last two.
She left her ex-boyfriend of 4 years just a couple of weeks before we started dating. To sum up the details: In my field of education there is a majority of females, which means that I have and have always had a few very good females friends. This has always been strictly platonic and they all have boyfriends of their own. My girlfriend is insecure, admittedly has low self esteem and her mother cheated on her father when she was a child. I don't know whether or not she is aware, but I think that her present behaviour is rooted within this traumatic experience.
Her behaviour is basically driving me away. I will sum it up:
- She looks through my phone (texts, call log, apps). She 'only' did this once or twice, but I guess that doesn't make it less wrong.
- She texted a female friend from my phone, asking whether she and I had had sex.
- She calls my female friends 'b****es' and 'hoes'.
- Whenever she has the opportunity, she makes fun of and laugh at people behind their backs for any given reason. This seems to be especially prevailing when the 'victim' has had something bad/unlucky happen to them. To give you an example: She laughed at a friend of hers behind her back, because the friend was devastated that her boyfriend had just broken up with her.
- She is sometimes demeaning towards me; saying that I shouldn't bother working out, because I'm not the 'bodybuilding type of guy' and laughing at me, if I am nearing a deadline at university and hasn't finished yet instead of supporting me. Wheneever she does this and I point out that her sarcastic ways doesn't make things better, she claims she was just joking.
- Her inappropriate jokes also contains passive-agressive threats at times: She would tell me that we'll never see each other again and when I don't answer she will claim she was joking.
- Whenever I do spend time with the afore-mentioned female friends, she asks how 'our date' went.
- She only has one real friend besides her little sister. I'm starting to think that she may have pushed her friends away aswell if she behaved the same way with them.
And I'm sure there are a lot of other things that I forgot to mention, but these are the things that came to mind first and foremost.
Whenever she does these things, I get a knot in my stomach and my gut feeling/intuition is telling me that something is completely wrong. Her behaviour is driving me away and its making me want to spend less and less time with her, which I think is fueling her poor behaviour even further like a vicious circle. This has made me think that her way of acting is somehow my fault.
I feel sick and like leaving but then again, she also does a lot of good things for me: She buys me gifts, sends me love letters, invites me to meet her family etc.
Also, she was in an apparently successful four year relationship prior to this relationship. The fact that I can't even last two months makes me think that somehow I am responsible for the demise of the relationship this early on.
I could use some input on this. What are your thoughts?
It's obvious she has not gotten over her four-year relationship and is carrying a lot of that hurt into this relationship. You can't blame yourself for the fact that she is bitter. And, in case you don't know, the behavior she is exhibiting is not one looking for a successful relationship. You're the rebound.
Maybe things would be different, but the fact you are a rebound doesn't bode well. Time to make your escape and wish her the best.
Someone should probably recommend counseling to her, but not you. That'll go over like a fart in church.
It's only been two months? Listen to your gut and get out. This person is insecure and not very nice.
This. You've only been dating for two months, OP. She worked as a friend, because you didn't know her true character. Now that you've dated a little and had the opportunity to get to know her better, you've found out she's not the kind of person you want to be close to. That's what dating is for; to scope the other person out to see if it could be a good match. In your case, the answer is "no", it's not a good match.
You can simply tell her you feel that your personalities aren't a good match. If she demands to know why, you can tell her point blank (this may be good feedback for her), that you don't like people who laugh at their friends' misfortunes, and that you need someone who's more supportive of you, and doesn't demean you, whether they're kidding or not. Just put it out there, and stick to it. She needs to own her own behavior, and be made aware that it's not ok.
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