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I'm getting a sense of trolling or an outright dislike for me from you and I'm not sure why. You can agree when someone else puts their perspective, but when the information is in front of you, you think I'm some jerk.
Secondly, its not my mom and it wasn't just my decision. She brought it up and I agreed for us to speak with both our parents. As I said, parents can be critical of their own children before they go defending them and that's what we're BOTH hoping for. I'm getting real trolly vibes from you....
Eh. That is not a great idea. Most parents actually don't criticize their children in the face of such a situation. That is a pretty bad idea, actually. The last thing you are going to get from parents is objectivity. Furthermore, the habits and behaviors that are natural to THEM are likely the ones that have become natural habits for each of YOU, therefore you own position may seem "right" to them. Add to that that whether you work it out or not, you have brought outsiders into your united front. Married people need to be united to the family for the future. When one of the MILs start coming at one of the spouses with criticism, you do NOT want to be giving them ammunition.
The absolute best suggestion so far...IMO...has been to disuss this with her sometimes when you are NOT arguing.
Explain why you feel the need to take a break and how it makes sense to you.
Listen to her argument for why she thinks continuing on in the heat of the moment is better.
Explain that this is what you need to do to keep things sane and what she can expect you to do without giving it any other motives
Although I can't personally see how continuing on when one or both parties are unreasonably angry, perhaps she can explain so you see her point.
Eh. That is not a great idea. Most parents actually don't criticize their children in the face of such a situation. That is a pretty bad idea, actually. The last thing you are going to get from parents is objectivity. Furthermore, the habits and behaviors that are natural to THEM are likely the ones that have become natural habits for each of YOU, therefore you own position may seem "right" to them. Add to that that whether you work it out or not, you have brought outsiders into your united front. Married people need to be united to the family for the future. When one of the MILs start coming at one of the spouses with criticism, you do NOT want to be giving them ammunition.
that is something that crossed my mind. I know that my mother is all about "walk away" and could make things a bit difficult for objectivity. again, definitely something to revisit this evening.
Yes that is the real underlining problem here and why the bases of their interactions is based on passive aggressive behavior. He's controlling and thinks he knows it all and doesn't like to be challenged by her or anyone else for that matter. Therefor she goes to extreme measures to make sure she's being heard and listened too when in the end he still tunes her out if she doesn't defer to his way of doing things.
I'm willing to bet throughout their relationship he has bossed her around and told her what to do and now she's fed up with it and purposely challenges him on everything just because of his my way or the highway attitude. He can find issues with everything and everyone but himself and his behavior and I'm sure it's why he doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't want to be told that he's responsible for the pile of crap that are in. He runs to family as he knows he'll have someone to defend and validate his actions.
This is getting comical. I'm a very laid back person and also why I don't like to fight. The fact that it was my wife's idea to talk to family make this even funnier. I'm just trying to understand the basis for your thoughts here after everything I've posted.
Eh. That is not a great idea. Most parents actually don't criticize their children in the face of such a situation. That is a pretty bad idea, actually. The last thing you are going to get from parents is objectivity. Furthermore, the habits and behaviors that are natural to THEM are likely the ones that have become natural habits for each of YOU, therefore you own position may seem "right" to them. Add to that that whether you work it out or not, you have brought outsiders into your united front. Married people need to be united to the family for the future. When one of the MILs start coming at one of the spouses with criticism, you do NOT want to be giving them ammunition.
Yeah. I am getting a big "intervention" vibe here. Like they have all witnessed this controlling/gaslighting behavior, they realize how on the edge the wife is by now between this and the new baby and they have all discussed it or something...I don't know...just a feeling. Because under 99.9% of circumstances it would no way, no how be considered normal or even mildly appropriate to have Mom come over to help her grown child and husband fight.
This ought to be interesting...I wonder whether OP is in for a big surprise...I'm cringing.
Maybe its because I didn't want to inundate with details, but when I said "by the time we're done with the conversation on the phone" I mean that I explained EXACTLY what you described. I have said those exact words, which acknowledges/validates her feelings and that I feel differently. The only reason the situation was resolved is because the baby was now asleep. Had the baby not been asleep, we would be on the x round of "we'll talk about it when I see you" and then when I see her we're still talking about the same thing!
Calling me a child for wanting to walk away when a person is clearly not listening doesn't make me one. The crazier part is that I'm not even looking for validation, but the example YOU gave is exactly what I've been trying to get you guys to see. Now how do you go about resolving something like that when suggestions you've mentioned are followed?
It doesn't end after validating that feeling. It ends when I defer/submit. At this point, you're just trying to paint me as some "brick wall" that doesn't get it.
But that's the thing you're not deferring/submitting, you're choosing to view it in that manner. Once you told her you would indeed go get the baby if it was still fussy should be the end of the conversation. You don't have to stay on the phone arguing and as someone else said why haven't you talked about these issues when the issue is not happening.
The convo is way overdue and it's because it has been ignored and has festered for way too long. You should have long before now talked about why she refuses to let things go if you are indeed trying to provide a amicable solution and not just trying to be "right" The walking away/being dismissive is still not the solution however she certainly needs to know/learn when to let it go. However most of the time that behavior stems from someone feeling like they're not being heard/acknowledged and you're coming across as a know-it-all in this thread so I can see how this can translate to your interactions with her. You doing whatever to keep the peace is not you submitting to her, its knowing that whoever gets the last word and is "right" is not important. The interactions appear power and ego driven between you instead of actually resolving or addressing conflict, find a counselor ASAP and leave family out of it.
The absolute best suggestion so far...IMO...has been to disuss this with her sometimes when you are NOT arguing.
Explain why you feel the need to take a break and how it makes sense to you.
Listen to her argument for why she thinks continuing on in the heat of the moment is better.
Explain that this is what you need to do to keep things sane and what she can expect you to do without giving it any other motives
Although I can't personally see how continuing on when one or both parties are unreasonably angry, perhaps she can explain so you see her point.
I think counseling is the best idea and I wonder why OP doesn't want an objective outsider to view the dynamics.
Why should counseling be necessary with two adults that can sit down and talk this out?
Sheesh, according to 3/4 of the suggestions about counseling on this board, nobody has the [bleep] ability to think for themselves.
I don't know how the[bleep] we managed to stay married and work differences out all the years that we did without intercession!
Gee, could it be that we talked???
Is there a commission schedule for referrals I don't know about?
Last edited by PJSaturn; 12-23-2016 at 08:01 AM..
Reason: Inappropriate language.
You, clearly, are reading a different thread than I am. I see no gaslighting or controlling from the OP. Is this projection, perhaps?
Hmm, actually, this makes a good point - it is very very hard to get an objective "read" on someone else's relationship just going off a few posts on the internet, and all we can do is guess, go off things we've seen, get a feel, ask questions that might not be the right questions, etc. This is why a trained, objective individual witnessing the couple's interactions in realtime is really the only solution here, IMO.
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