Arguments (Fight/fight vs tend/mend). Which are you? (wife, boyfriend, married)
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I noticed that when my wife and I get into escalating arguments, I'm usually the one to try and abruptly walk away/call time out and she's quick to want an immediate resolution. This tends to make her follow me around or continue yelling at me while I need space (and it makes me more angry because its pretty much harassment at that point)
From what I've read, the people that want immediate resolution can't STAND for their SO to be angry with them. But the strange thing is that the very feeling their trying to avoid only gets worse as they press their already angry SO. Other times, I've read they feel abandoned at that moment and need to feel like their SO is coming back. (This again is weird since I'm sure the SO going to cool off didn't pack a bag)
Anyone in the "immediate resolution" camp have a similar situation and care to elaborate on that feeling? I feel like im missing something and my wife is driving me crazy.
I fail to see that. If the argument is escalating, how can any constructive resolving be done. That walk away gives BOTH people time to calmly address the situation. Plus, most times the argument had
at the escalation isn't even about the original topic.
One other thing, maybe I'm wrong, but if I were a woman and these roles were reversed, most people would consider the following and yelling from a spouse some form of abuse.
I fail to see that. If the argument is escalating, how can any constructive resolving be done. That walk away gives BOTH people time to calmly address the situation. Plus, most times the argument had
at the escalation isn't even about the original topic.
Uh-huh.
Works well, does it? She calms right down so she can then constructively resolve?
If not, and you fully know it only makes her more upset, then yeah, you are being PA. Superior tone and all.
However, if this is happening frequently and you feel bullied and so on, and you KNOW it won't change, but you're staying..!then you're getting something out of it.
Is it that you like feeling superior and watching your wife become frantic? How deep are the resentments, anyway? My guess is: deep.
Grow up and deal with the issue or have a heart and leave this poor frantic frustrated woman. Either way, problem solved.
I'm in the tend/mend camp. I hate having arguments linger and prefer having a solution as soon as possible. I appreciate that some people may need a bit of time to calm down. From my own personal experience though, the only boyfriend who would walk away wasn't doing it to cool down, he would give me the silent treatment (sometimes for days. Because, you know, he was still calming down...) as a form of punishment. I'm not cool with the silent treatment.
Works well, does it? She calms right down so she can then constructively resolve?
At the current pace of escalation, its not like shes backing down. I could care less about superiority and the rate times she calls the time out, im quick to zip - even if im fuming and have more to say. Unfortunately, my time outs arent as respected.
If not, and you fully know it only makes her more upset, then yeah, you are being PA. Superior tone and all.
Whats the alternative? Yell at each other for an hour?
However, if this is happening frequently and you feel bullied and so on, and you KNOW it won't change, but you're staying..!then you're getting something out of it.
Im not sure it will and thats why im here. Plus, we're married so i don't want throw everything out without doing some research.
Is it that you like feeling superior and watching your wife become frantic? How deep are the resentments, anyway? My guess is: deep.
Grow up and deal with the issue or have a heart and leave this poor frantic frustrated woman. Either way, problem solved.
If I offended you in some way, I'm sorry, but seriously think about it....the grow up part wasnt neccessary.
I'm in the tend/mend camp. I hate having arguments linger and prefer having a solution as soon as possible. I appreciate that some people may need a bit of time to calm down. From my own personal experience though, the only boyfriend who would walk away wasn't doing it to cool down, he would give me the silent treatment (sometimes for days. Because, you know, he was still calming down...) as a form of punishment. I'm not cool with the silent treatment.
Whats the feeling behind having them linger? Is it anxiety? I guess im trying to understand because maybe i separate the argument from the person/relationship (unless we're talking ideologies). If the argument lingers, its not like its not there. Its just that a current pace of escalating isnt helping the situation and people end up arguing about a completely different matter.
Its like immediately attacking a problem without a plan. You're bound yo screw things up in the process without it.
Before you walk away, do you tell her you want to do so so that you can both calm down and discuss it in , like 10/15 minutes or whatever or do you just leave?
There's a big difference
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