How do I tell a woman that I am autistic? (long-term, married)

[ironpony]

Well... that's how like someone talks in a business meeting or something... It just goes against my experience, cause in my experience, a woman wants the guy to be fun, and not so disclosure like, like that. I guess I just feel that if I say it right away, I feel like I am giving up something that is too personal too fast. It's like a guy telling a woman he has been circumcised, right on the first date, thinking that he has to pass some kind of test. It shows a lack of confidence, and seeking of a approval, which a lot of women might not find attractive, if that makes sense.

[LittleArnold]

You don't have to. I never tell girls a lot of things including disabilities I have that I hide from people.

Interesting I was diagnosed as a kid with a reading disability and what they called a non-verbal learning disability which can be considered a form of autism. The school psychologist always said I scored very well on intelligence tests and scored better on those tests than he ever could, but I never did believe him as I kid. I thought he was just saying that to make me feel good. I did manage to get a masters degree though and for the fun of it I am going back to grad school to get an MBA with a concentration in Accounting, but I am only going to Purdue anyone can get an MBA from Purdue I would think if they put enough effort into it. I think I am a pretty dumb guy, I just make up for it by being a workaholic.

[ironpony]

Well it's interesting how a couple of people on here said that it's deceitful if I don't tell them I am autistic before sleeping with them. I mean how much information should a person share about themselves before sex really?

For example, the last woman I had sex with is on anti-anxiety medication, but she didn't tell me that before I slept with her, she told me after on a later date. Not that it bothered me at all, I was just using that an an example to compare.

But as for the notion that I should tell them if I want a relationship, I am actually not comfortable saying that, really. Lately I've been operating under a don't ask, don't tell policy, out of not wanting to be judged for it.

[Sassybluesy]

Originally Posted by ironpony

Thanks, but after how many dates do you tell a woman. Aside from women finding out that something is wrong the hard way, I only ever told one so far. But I waited till after I slept with her, cause I thought that sleeping with her first, would make her more likely accept it, since we had already gotten past that stage. She accepted it fine, and that was that, until things didn't work out later on.

However, how long or how many dates should I wait?

If it were me, I'd tell her on the 3rd date. That way, you know you've already had 2 successful dates, and you know she's into you at least that much.

[MinivanDriver]

Originally Posted by ironpony

I was told before to never tell a woman this while dating her and that I should just keep it a secret. I can see what people mean as it's very hard for women to want to date a guy if they find that out about them.

However, I find that in my past experiences, a lot of women may have found out the hard way with me and then feel possible cheated after, where as maybe things would have gone better if I had been more upfront about earlier, sometimes I feel. What do you think?

Make a joke out of it and move on. The more of an issue you make it, the bigger an issue she'll make it. It's not as if you have cancer or herpes.

[Runninglikethieves]

Autism is not contagious, you aren't going to spread it to someone through sexual contact. Therefore, you aren't obligated to tell women that you have it at all. It's really no one's business at all, except for yours. No one else is entitled to this information, or should have this information based on some kind of a "Courtesy ". It's really irrelevant.

Just going by your other posts, I find it more than strange that you don't feel like you have to tell some women you sleep with your real name (if I recall correctly) but you feel like you have to tell them you have autism?

[zentropa]

Originally Posted by Runninglikethieves

Autism is not contagious, you aren't going to spread it to someone through sexual contact. Therefore, you aren't obligated to tell women that you have it at all. It's really no one's business at all, except for yours. No one else is entitled to this information, or should have this information based on some kind of a "Courtesy ". It's really irrelevant.

Just going by your other posts, I find it more than strange that you don't feel like you have to tell some women you sleep with your real name (if I recall correctly) but you feel like you have to tell them you have autism?

Ha ha that's a good point!

[BayAreaHillbilly]

Originally Posted by BayAreaHillbilly

Here's how I would do it:

"I believe in full transparency and disclosure. I must disclose my disability. I am autistic."

Done.

Some other things.

In the OP's shoes, I would be steering clear of marriage unless a number of very unlikely boundary conditions were met. I would also be utterly opposed to ever having kids. While the root causes of Autism are still under a degree of research, it's all but certain that there is a genetic element. Really, a set of genetic elements. And even if one has kids and they don't express Autism, it could skip generations. Until or unless society changes to accept a much vaster span of neurodiversity, I would not want to bring lives into this world who might have to incur Autism. That's just me. Others may have other takes on this.

I must admit to a bias, since Autism runs in my own family.

[Runninglikethieves]

Originally Posted by BayAreaHillbilly

Some other things.

In the OP's shoes, I would be steering clear of marriage unless a number of very unlikely boundary conditions were met. I would also be utterly opposed to ever having kids. While the root causes of Autism are still under a degree of research, it's all but certain that there is a genetic element. Really, a set of genetic elements. And even if one has kids and they don't express Autism, it could skip generations. Until or unless society changes to accept a much vaster span of neurodiversity, I would not want to bring lives into this world who might have to incur Autism. That's just me. Others may have other takes on this.

I must admit to a bias, since Autism runs in my own family.

I'm disappointed to see this, coming from someone who has autism that runs in their own family.

I'm going to assume that the OP is a high-functioning autistic person. Many people with a high-functioning autism, grow up to lead very normal and functioning lives. Some have even become really successful. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought even simple things like ADD/ADHD now fall under the autism spectrum? I'm sorry if I'm wrong on that one, but if I'm right, more people are ''Autistic'' than many even realize.

I say this as an autistic (high-functioning) person, myself. My best friend, who wasn't diagnosed until much later in his life, while I was at about 13 or 14, is also a high functioning autistic person. We're both self-sufficient people. His IQ is also off the charts, while mine is probably just above average. I know a few others, who are well into adulthood and suspect they may have a high-functioning autism, but were never tested.

As far as children go, I'm not worried about it, neither is my wife-to-be.

[Mikala43]

If you are already dating them and they are fine with your personality, I'm not sure why finding out you had autism would change anything. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't primarily a socialization thing?